You Can’t Just Be Cremated – You Have To Urn It!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Like it says in the title, nothing is free these days.

Except for puns that is.

You just can’t put a price on that level of enjoyment!

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Guy #1:  “I’m stuck with one word on this crossword,

the clue is a 10 letter word, similar to being silly”

Guy #2:  “Oh, that’s ridiculous”

Guy #1:  “I know, I’ve been stuck on it for hours”.

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I’ve put in so many shifts where I work recently

that they’ve decided to fire me.

Making keyboards isn’t as easy as it looks.

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My sister had a baby boy and

she’s gonna name him Mark, but with a “C”.

Who ever heard of someone called “Cark”?

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The manager of the toy shop I work at phoned me and said:

“Steve, our stock records show that we’re missing a space hopper.

I need you to find it for me.”

I said, “Don’t worry boss, I’m on it.”

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Google Chrome

All you’ll get is a description of a metal.

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The head teacher at my school called me in to his office today.

He said, “I’ve just had a rock thrown through my window, are you responsible?”

I replied, “No, I’m irresponsible. That’s why I threw it.”

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Woke up this morning and my joints were really stiff.

I’ve only got myself to blame: I rolled them far too thick.

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For my next trick, I will eat a percussion instrument in a bap.

Drum roll, please.

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I bought a tree at the garden center that was far too big to get in the car,

so we had to cut the top off.

I didn’t really mind though,

I’ve always wanted a convertible.

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My girlfriend said it would be nice if I could maintain an erection.

So I’ve volunteered to clean bird crap off the Statue of Liberty.

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I saw a busker with no arms today singing so badly

I offered him five bucks to stop.

But that was just another note he couldn’t hold.

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I do not have an OCD over tidiness.

I just wanted to clear that up.

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My Korean friend was going to cook his wife a surprise birthday dinner.

But someone let the cat out of the bag.

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I’m planning a camping holiday but, I have to say,

I’m far from impressed with my travel insurance.

It turns out if someone steals my tent in the night,

I’ll no longer be covered.

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What are long, hard and delicious?

Adjectives.

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I find nothing is quite so annoying as having someone

carry on talking while you’re trying to interrupt.

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Apparently 80% of people who have cosmetic surgery

are disappointed by the results.

Which is a bit odd,

because most of them look pleasantly surprised.

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I was waiting in line for a club last night

and the guy at the door was checking IDs.

He was taking ages.

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Is anyone else tired,

or is it just M.E.?

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My friend’s new girlfriend has been around the block a few times…

Like most women, she’s crap at parking.

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