A Good Pun Is It’s Own Reword.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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An English Prince and a German with a problem feature in today’s word play.

Plus a lot more for you to….

Enjoy or endure!!

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I’m really big in Japan.

I’m 5′ 10″.

 

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My friend has a heroin addiction.

He can’t stop reading

Wonder Woman comics.

 

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I’ve just watched a documentary

on TV about belching.

I think it was a repeat.

 

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The camping shop were advertising

their new tent in the window,

They call it the ‘Shakespeare’.

The sign said…

This is the discount of our winter tent.

 

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I just got fired from my job,

where I disposed of dangerous

materials from building sites.

I don’t know why, though.

I did asbestos I could!

 

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I was reading the newspaper to a

friend of mine who is blind.

One notice said there was a faith healer

performing in town tonight who reckons he

can cure anything, even blindness.

My friend said he might turn up to that,

just to see.

 

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Those who believe that love conquers all

have never played tennis.

 

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I went to a party for meteorologists yesterday.

Lovely atmosphere.

 

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I saw a capsized boat today.

It was very small.

 

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What do you call a German whose honest

about their flatulence problem?

A Frankfarter.

 

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I just read that the movie POMPEII is on tonight.

I haven’t even seen the first Pompe yet.

 

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I had an out of body experience yesterday.

I was completely beside myself.

 

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As the chauffeur opened the door

for Prince Charles he said,

“Still raining, sir.”

“Yes,” said Prince Charles,

“but she can’t go on forever.”

 

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Buzz Aldrin’s best pick-up line.

“Hey, I was the second man on the moon.

Neil before me.”

 

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“Son, you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”

“Is it something I said?”

“Yes.”

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You Can’t Just Be Cremated – You Have To Urn It!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Like it says in the title, nothing is free these days.

Except for puns that is.

You just can’t put a price on that level of enjoyment!

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Guy #1:  “I’m stuck with one word on this crossword,

the clue is a 10 letter word, similar to being silly”

Guy #2:  “Oh, that’s ridiculous”

Guy #1:  “I know, I’ve been stuck on it for hours”.

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I’ve put in so many shifts where I work recently

that they’ve decided to fire me.

Making keyboards isn’t as easy as it looks.

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My sister had a baby boy and

she’s gonna name him Mark, but with a “C”.

Who ever heard of someone called “Cark”?

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The manager of the toy shop I work at phoned me and said:

“Steve, our stock records show that we’re missing a space hopper.

I need you to find it for me.”

I said, “Don’t worry boss, I’m on it.”

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Google Chrome

All you’ll get is a description of a metal.

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The head teacher at my school called me in to his office today.

He said, “I’ve just had a rock thrown through my window, are you responsible?”

I replied, “No, I’m irresponsible. That’s why I threw it.”

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Woke up this morning and my joints were really stiff.

I’ve only got myself to blame: I rolled them far too thick.

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For my next trick, I will eat a percussion instrument in a bap.

Drum roll, please.

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I bought a tree at the garden center that was far too big to get in the car,

so we had to cut the top off.

I didn’t really mind though,

I’ve always wanted a convertible.

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My girlfriend said it would be nice if I could maintain an erection.

So I’ve volunteered to clean bird crap off the Statue of Liberty.

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I saw a busker with no arms today singing so badly

I offered him five bucks to stop.

But that was just another note he couldn’t hold.

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I do not have an OCD over tidiness.

I just wanted to clear that up.

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My Korean friend was going to cook his wife a surprise birthday dinner.

But someone let the cat out of the bag.

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I’m planning a camping holiday but, I have to say,

I’m far from impressed with my travel insurance.

It turns out if someone steals my tent in the night,

I’ll no longer be covered.

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What are long, hard and delicious?

Adjectives.

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I find nothing is quite so annoying as having someone

carry on talking while you’re trying to interrupt.

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Apparently 80% of people who have cosmetic surgery

are disappointed by the results.

Which is a bit odd,

because most of them look pleasantly surprised.

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I was waiting in line for a club last night

and the guy at the door was checking IDs.

He was taking ages.

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Is anyone else tired,

or is it just M.E.?

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My friend’s new girlfriend has been around the block a few times…

Like most women, she’s crap at parking.

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Word Play? Bad Jokes? Whatever you call them they’re Still Pun To Me

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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A few more puns to make you laugh or groan.

Enjoy them if you can.

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The cannibal was so nervous he threw up his hands

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He said I was average – but he was just being mean.

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I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

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Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.    

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The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn’t the sole owner – there were strings attached.

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Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you. 

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We never got the tent up because of all the missed stakes we had.

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The book of incantations was useless. The author had failed to run a spell check.

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I finished my trigonometry exam without a secant to lose.

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Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.

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We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn’t even afford to pay attention.

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I once thought about cloning a new, more efficient brain, but then I realized that I was getting a head of myself.

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If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster.        

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Biologists have recently produced immortal frogs by removing their vocal cords. They can’t croak.         

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The police arrested two kids yesterday, one for drinking battery acid and the other one for eating fireworks. They charged one but let the other one off.

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Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

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A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.          

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And finally,

 

Did you know that Macy’s have a contractual obligation to hire an unemployed man every November and December to play Father Christmas? It’s known as the Santa clause.

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