All The Good Puns About The Periodic Table Argon!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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In case you hadn’t guessed from the title, it’s Pun Day again.

Another selection of great jokes or terrible jokes depending on your point of view.

So get those groans ready.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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The time will never be wrong.

Not on my watch.

Omega watch

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I used to live in a normal house,

but then steps were taken to make it into a bungalow.

Bungalow

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My dog has just eaten my entire James Bond DVD collection.

Luckily I managed to beat The Living Daylights out of him.

The Living Daylights

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I got an answering machine today but I think it’s broken.

I’ve asked it loads of questions and nothing’s happening.

answering machine

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My wife lost her Tampax and got really angry.

I hate it when she loses her rag.

Tampax

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I’ve finally remembered the word that

I’ve been thinking about for two weeks.

It’s ‘fortnight.’

fortnight

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Me and my mate are having a competition

to see who can steal the most dog related stuff

from next door’s house.

I’ve just taken the lead….

DOG_LEAD

 

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They call me Mr Rhetorical.

Can you guess why?

Rhetorical question stems

I’m looking to start up my own business,

recycling discarded chewing gum.

Just need help getting it off the ground.

discarded chewing gum on sidewalk

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My whisky kept going missing so I confronted the wife.

She told me that the guilty party was the family dog.

I found it staggering.

drunk dog

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I lost my job today because I said the office is full of assholes.

Bit of an overreaction to my opinion about a TV program I think.

the office

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What’s black and gets abused 24/7

on social networking sites?

Punctuation!

Punctuation

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I’m a much better fighter now that I have a blackbelt.

I was hopeless when my trousers kept falling down.

trousers kept falling down

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Shopping for antiques won’t make you gay,

but it will make you buy curios.

Shopping for antiques

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A lady at the supermarket asked me if I’ve ever drunk orange juice with pulp.

I said, “No, but I once had coffee with The Bluetones.”

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Hope You Know Your Countries And A Lot Of Other Stuff – It’s Quiz Day!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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As the title suggests today there are a lot of questions concerning countries.

But don’t worry, they are related to different subjects, not necessarily geography.

And there is the usual random selection to go along with them, so why not have a go?

As usual the answers are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but NO cheating!

Enjoy the challenge.

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quiz 2

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Q.  1:    In Venice, what is a ‘vaporetto’?

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Q.  2:    What is the difference between venom and poison?

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Q.  3:    Which country appeared in a record 23 consecutive Davis Cup finals between 1946 and 1968?

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Q.  4:  ‘Milk’, ‘Oyster’, ‘Magic’, ‘Death Cap’, ‘Hedgehog’, ‘Maitake’ and ‘Paddy Straw‘ are all examples of what?

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Q.  5:  What are the five largest countries in the world with a population density of 15 people or less per square mile? (One point for each correct answer.)

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Q.  6:  Kurgan is the bad guy in which movie?

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Q.  7:  How many rows of stars are there on an American flag?

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Q.  8:  The name of which world famous ship translated means ‘short chemise’ or ‘short undergarment’?

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Q.  9:  Which country is the largest wine producer in South America?

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Q. 10:  Campanology is very popular on festive occasions. What is campanology?

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Q. 11:  What was designed by Childe Harold Wills and was colloquially known as the “Tin Lizzie” and the “Flivver”?

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Q. 12:  ‘Trapper’, ‘Hawkeye’ and ‘Radar’ appear in which TV program?

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Q. 13:  What does the Greek root ‘adelph’ mean?

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Q. 14:  What was the name of the 1783 treaty that formally ended the American Revolutionary War?

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Q. 15:  The answer to this one is just three letters and they mean a river of southern Italy, an Indo-Chinese language and the initials of a very popular and long running American police procedural legal drama television series, What are the three letters?

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Q. 16:  How many normal size wine bottles would you have in a Methuselah?

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Q. 17:  What would the waiter bring to your table if you ordered ‘priest choker’ in an Italian restaurant?

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Q. 18:  Which accurate sport term is also the name of Bill Sikes’ vicious dog in the novel ‘Oliver Twist’?

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Q. 19:  What number do the Roman numerals ‘XL’ represent?

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Q. 20:  And finally, spell that atrocious and precocious word from the movie ‘Mary Poppins’.

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:    In Venice, what is a ‘vaporetto’?

A.  1:    A ‘vaporetto’ is a Venetian Waterbus

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Q.  2:    What is the difference between venom and poison?

A.  2:    Venom is injected, poison is ingested or inhaled.

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Q.  3:    Which country appeared in a record 23 consecutive Davis Cup finals between 1946 and 1968?

A.  3:  Australia

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Q.  4:  ‘Milk’, ‘Oyster’, ‘Magic’, ‘Death Cap’, ‘Hedgehog’, ‘Maitake’ and ‘Paddy Straw’ are all examples of what?

A.  4:  Mushrooms

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Q.  5:  What are the five largest countries in the world with a population density of 15 people or less per square mile?  (One point for each correct answer.)

A.  5:  Mongolia (4 people per sq. mile), Canada (8), Australia (8), Libya (9) and Kazakhstan (15)

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Q.  6:  Kurgan is the bad guy in which movie?

A.  6:  Highlander

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Q.  7:  How many rows of stars are there on an American flag?

A.  7:  9

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Q.  8:  The name of which world famous ship translated means ‘short chemise’ or ‘short undergarment’?

A.  8:  Cutty Sark

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Q.  9:  Which country is the largest wine producer in South America?

A.  9:  Argentina

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Q. 10:  Campanology is very popular on festive occasions. What is campanology?

A. 10:  Bell ringing.

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Q. 11:  What was designed by Childe Harold Wills and was colloquially known as the “Tin Lizzie” and the “Flivver”?

A. 11:  The Ford Model-T automobile

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Q. 12:  ‘Trapper’, ‘Hawkeye’ and ‘Radar’ appear in which TV program?

A. 12:  M*A*S*H

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Q. 13:  What does the Greek root ‘adelph’ mean?

A. 13:  Brother (as in Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love)

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Q. 14:  What was the name of the 1783 treaty that formally ended the American Revolutionary War?

A. 14:  The Treaty of Paris

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Q. 15:  The answer to this one is just three letters and they mean a river of southern Italy, an Indo-Chinese language and the initials of a very popular and long running American police procedural legal drama television series, What are the three letters?

A. 15:  LAO (Law and Order)

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Q. 16:  How many normal size wine bottles would you have in a Methuselah?

A. 16:  8

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Q. 17:  What would the waiter bring to your table if you ordered ‘priest choker’ in an Italian restaurant?

A. 17:  Pasta (Strozzapreti pasta, means ‘priest choker’)

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Q. 18:  Which accurate sport term is also the name of Bill Sikes’ vicious dog in the novel ‘Oliver Twist’?

A. 18:  Bulls Eye

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Q. 19:  What number do the Roman numerals ‘XL’ represent?

A. 19:  40

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Q. 20:  And finally, spell that atrocious and precocious word from the movie ‘Mary Poppins’.

A. 20:  SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS

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Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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In case the title didn’t give it away, today is pun day!

Hurrah and enjoy!!

But first a quick medical alert….

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Medical Alert:

When you play golf iron deficiencies

can lead to a risk of increased strokes.

golf-bad-cartoon

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I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from.

Then it dawned on me.

dawn

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I was devastated when my girlfriend left me for a dwarf.

I never thought she would stoop so low

tall-woman

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“I only have diamonds, clubs and spades,”

said Tom heartlessly

cardplayers

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Ever wonder why the person who invented the door knocker

wasn’t awarded a No-bell prize.

DoorKnocker

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I walked down a street where the houses were numbered

64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane.

MEMORY_LANE

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If anyone ever says to you that they’ve lost their voice,

They’re lying.

lost voice cartoon

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Tires are fixed for a flat rate.

flat tire cartoon

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If you suffer from kleptomania,

should you take something for it?

Kleptomania

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I’ve taken up a part time course in counterfeiting.

I’m forging ahead.

boris-drucker-every-dollar-we-counterfeit-costs-us-a-buck-and-a-half-cartoon

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I broke up with my girlfriend last night.

It happened on the forecourt of a gas station.

Very emotional breakup.

She was in tears and I was filling up….

pumping-gas

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The latest market research shows a growing trend

for eating high-fibre cereal for breakfast,

with the result that people are experiencing

greater regularity in their bowel movements.

With trends like that,

who needs enemas?

enemas

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Did you hear about the bird that sat on an axe?

It was trying to hatchet

Hatchet

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A boy came into the house with a sofa on his back.

His mother said,

“How many times have I told you not to accept suites from strangers!?”

suites from strangers

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I was watching a tv program about the people in Holland who make their traditional clogs?

I thought, I’d like to try that

Wooden shoe?

wooden-clogs

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A fishing boat is working the North Sea, when suddenly it starts shipping water.

It puts out a Mayday message:

“Help! Help! We are sinking!”

A few minutes back the reply comes through:

“Zis is ze German coastguard. Vot are you sinking about?”

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I’ve eaten steak tartar,

but only on rare occasions

mr-bean-steak-tartare

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un oeuf is enough as they say in France!

tray bien

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My laptop is broken.

It just keeps playing “Skyfall” over and over again.

Probably because it’s a Dell.

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Is A Plateau A High Form Of Flattery?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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You guessed it.

It’s pun day!

Time to love or hate another selection of bad jokes dressed up as word play.

Enjoy!

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Son, “Dad, what’s an antidepressant?”

Father, “It’s your Mums fat sister after she’s weighed herself.”

antidepressant

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I took my tomcats to get neutered today.

No hard felines.

cat

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I am writing a TV program about a woman in the 19th century

who suffered painfully during her time of the month.

It’s a period drama.

period drama

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I joined a club called Amnesiacs Anonymous.

I can’t remember why.

amnesiacs anonymous meeting

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I’ve been trying to come up with a pun about fabrics.

But it’s nylon impossible.

nylon-poster-web

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Sign on the maternity hospital delivery room door.

“PUSH PUSH PUSH”

push push push

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I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah.

I thought – he’s trying to pull a fast one

cheetah

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What is the first thing a cowboy says when he walks into a German car showroom?

“Audi!”

audi

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He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

key

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It was somehow inevitable that the Breast Enlargement company would go bust.

bust

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I can always count on my wife to put things into “hysterical” perspective…

stressed-woman-cartoon

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What do you call a very fat psychic?

A four chin teller.

four chin teller

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The chef was surprised when a dessert came back to the kitchen.

It was a boo meringue.

boo meringues

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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel

and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

“But why?” they asked, as they moved off.

“Because”, he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

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I know it’s not Christmas, but….

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