Not Even A Sausage.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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We’ve talked about stupid criminals on the fasab blog before and if there was a competition to find the stupidest I think it would be a pretty difficult task.

However, having said that, on the short list would have to be 55-year-old Tempe resident Harry Williams.

You see according to court documents (yes, obviously this master criminal was caught) Williams first tried to rob an Ace Hardware store that was within walking distance of his house.

Having entered the store he put his hand under his shirt, announced to the cashier that he had a gun, and demanded all the money in the cash register.

Williams’ “hand under his shirt thing” must have looked so much like a gun that the employee told him he did not have any money in the register and was not going to give him any money even if he did.

With that, Williams demanded that the cashier open the register to prove he didn’t have any money.

The cashier said “No,” and Williams left.

However still determined to steal something, Williams ran across the road, and into a Safeway store.

Again, he tried to convince a cashier that he was committing a robbery. But, again, nobody was buying his routine.

Williams was summarily escorted out of the building, empty handed again.

But he wasn’t finished yet. That’s how stupid he was.

He waited a few minutes and then sneaked back into the same Safeway store where everybody had already seen him, stuffed a lone sausage in his pants, and sneaked back out.

Police found Williams shortly afterwards and discovered that, as well as the stolen sausage,  he actually did have a 4- or 5-inch knife in his pocket, which he hadn’t thought of using, preferring his non-existent gun instead.

Although Williams was initially booked on charges of attempted armed robbery for using a simulated weapon, the charges were reduced to that of attempted robbery and shoplifting. 

And he made our dumb criminals shortlist! Go Harry!!!

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Hey, I Just Realized That Nothing In The Dictionary Begins With An ‘N’.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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The clue is always in the title.

If you haven’t guessed already, welcome to the first pun day of 2014.

Well, somebody has to stick up for the mighty word play, so it might as well be me.

Love to hate or hate to love here is this year’s first selection – the first of many I hope!

Enjoy.

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I got a new reversible jacket for Christmas.

I’m excited to see how it turns out.

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Whenever I have had a bad day I console myself

by playing with my Playstation.

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Jamaican newspapers have asserted

that certain strains of marijuana can cure migraines.

Clearly propaganja.

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I took part in a bondage contest last night.

I was tied third.

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I think the people at Apple are so lucky.

They still get paid even after they’ve lost their jobs.

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Our little boy was rushed to hospital at the weekend,

after he’d swallowed some Scrabble tiles.

They’ve given him laxatives but as of yet,

there hasn’t been a word out of him.

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I suppose you could say that a voyeur

was a peep hole person.

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When I was a kid I once thought I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my imagine Asian.

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Me and the wife were at the hardware store choosing a new kitchen.

She asked me, “Do you reckon we could fit that sink in the car?”

Stupid woman, doesn’t she know cars don’t have any plumbing?

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I went to a theme park that had the world’s largest pool table.

The cues were massive.

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Say what you will about Columbus,

but he did put America on the map.

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My wife is a vet and a great cook.

But I refuse to eat anything that she puts down in front of me.

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When they eventually colonize Mars

there’s going to be another housing bubble.

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Although it seemed to go on forever

Magnum PI only solved 3.14 crimes.

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“You ok Dave?”

“I’m not sure…

my Doctor did a rectal exam on me this morning.”

“Oh right. Prostate?”

“No, bent over his desk.”

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Raw toast is an ideal bread substitute.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Word play day, or more puns if you like that description better.

Endure or enjoy, preferably the latter!

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“Let’s order some Chinese.”

“To do what?”

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I remember in 1995 when I went to an Oasis gig with my sister and my brother.

When the band came on stage I shouted, “Go Oasis.”

I never saw my sister after that.

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If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

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I went into the hardware store and said,

“These shelves you sold me are useless. I couldn’t even…”

The cashier said, “Put ’em up?”

I said, “Okay, you wanna fight about it? Come on then!”

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I was taking some notes the other day,

when I was arrested and escorted from the bank.

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I’ve just started a new job at the local slaughterhouse, stunning cows.

…And some of the sheep are pretty good looking too.

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Did you hear about the neo Nazi builder?

He liked to drill with the bosch.

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As I stood on the tube this morning I thought to myself,

“My pringles are getting crushed”

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My Pokemon card collection was destroyed in a fire.

I’ve only got Ash now.

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I was perfectly happy in Mississippi,

Then Mr Sippi came back early from his business trip.

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I love watching videos of lakes and rivers on the internet.

I’m viewing a live stream right now.

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My friend said he met a prostitute who connected a battery charger to his bits.

I said, “Woweee, how much did she charge you?”

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Two pencils decided to have a race.

They drew.

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My friend said he’s going to set a new standard in pubs

by opening one on the top of a mountain.

Personally, I think he’s raised the bar too high.

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Tattoos are great for preserving memories,

otherwise I would have totally forgotten about those anchors.

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Then There Was The Dyslexic Man Who Walked Into A Bra….

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Another short selection of punny jokes today.

Strong language warning on one of them for those likely to be offended by such things.

Enjoy! 

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What banned weapon can you use to kill slugs?

A salt rifle.

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If you owned a secret, underground fajita shop, would you keep it under wraps?

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I dated a girl from the Phillippines, she was a contortionist.

I called her my ‘Manila folder’

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I couldn’t understand why my mobile’s battery always seems to be flat.

Then I realized had it been any other shape, it wouldn’t fit in my phone.

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I knew a man who killed himself with a cyanide capsule.

That was a bitter pill to swallow.

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Some people think animal puns are not funny in any neigh, sheep or farm.

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I hate puns about perforated things – they’re tearable.

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You would think that these herbs & spices puns would have died out by now.

But no, they just keep on Cumin.

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Paddy goes into a hardware store & asks to buy a sink.

“Would you like one with a plug?” says the assistant.

Paddy replies, “Don’t tell me they’ve gone electric!”

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Woman goes into a butcher’s…

“I’d like an oxtail please”.

“Certainly”, replies the butcher,

“Once upon a time there was an ox…”

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One day I phoned with the spiritual leader of Tibet.

He sent me a large goat with a long neck.

Turns out I phoned Dial- a- llama.

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Coffee isn’t my cup of tea.

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I took my wife to the doctor yesterday, he examined her and said, “I’ll be perfectly honest… I don’t like the look of her.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean,” I said, “but she’s a good cook and the kids think the world of her!”

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I bought a Valentine’s Day card for everyone at our local Tourette’s Society.

It’s the thought that cunts.

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“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’’

“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”

“Is it common?”

“Well, it’s not unusual.”

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A Man Walked Into A Hardware Store….

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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In case today’s title was a little bit obscure for you, it’s pun day again.

Yes even more of those bad jokes and word plays.

Enjoy!

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A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray.

“Is this good for wasps?” he asked the assistant.

“No, it kills them,” was the reply.

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My Doctor told me I’m a Paranoid Schizophrenic.

We think he’s out to get us

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I went into the pharmacy last week and said to the woman behind the counter, “Packet of three, please, Miss.”

“Don’t you Miss me, young man,” she replied.

I said, “Okay, better make that four then!”

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I used to go out with a midget but we broke up.

We just couldn’t see eye to eye.

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I went to the missing persons bureau,

but there was no-one there.

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Four fonts walk into a bar

The barman says, “Oi – get out! We don’t want your type in here.”

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Why do they call it ‘raw’ sewage?

Is someone somewhere cooking it?

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I am very much into DIY.

Every time the wife asks me to do anything, I say, “do it yourself.”

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Ted Kennedy got told off for not opening the door for his girlfriend when he was on a date.

Instead he just swam to the surface.

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Computers are like air conditioners.

They work fine until you start opening windows.

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Food has supplanted sex as the main driving force in my life

– now I can’t even get into my own pants.

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I had a horrible childhood.

My father was a Pontoon dealer in Vegas,

that’s why he used to hit me till I was 21

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I conducted an orchestra the other day.

It’s more fun than you can shake a stick at.

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They say being a hostage is difficult…

…But I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

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What’s got four legs and goes “boo”?

A cow with a cold.

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The Interstate was blocked for an hour yesterday

after a car driven by a hunchback crashed into a car driven by a bearded lady.

Police are describing it as a freak accident.

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Bloody feminists.

They should all be put behind bras.

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What kind of bees make milk?

Boobies!

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Don’t Join Dangerous Cults: Practice Safe Sects! – Yes, More Puns!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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What could be better than a bit of sound advice mixed with a little pun?

Appearing today probably to mixed reviews, here is another of puns, bad jokes or word plays, whatever you like to call them.

Enjoy!

(BTW, the last one is a classic!)

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Did you know that every two in one people are schizophrenic?

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I hear that the credit crunch is even affecting fairgrounds.

My friend’s a dodgems operator and he lost his job this morning.

He’s suing for funfair dismissal.

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Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table,

because he only recognizes the element of surprise

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I got a new anorexic girlfriend.

It’s not going too well.

These days, I’m seeing less and less of her.

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I went into the hardware store yesterday.

I went up to the counter and asked the bloke for some nails.

He said, “How long do you want them?”

I said, “I want to keep ’em.”

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My late mother-in-law was a clairvoyant and a contortionist.

As a result she was able to foresee her own end

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Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

Mary Poppins said  he was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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Could you say a gossip is someone with a sense of rumor?

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Why was the ink drop sad?

Because her dad was in the pen and she didn’t know how long the sentence would be!

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My mate is addicted to brake fluid.

But he reckons he can stop at any time.

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When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.

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How do you kill a circus?

Go for the juggler.

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What do you call a French man in sandals?

Phillippe Flop

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PUN: A Play On Words….

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I looked in the dictionary for today’s post.

It said, PUN: a play on words; the humorous use of a word or phrase so as to emphasize or suggest its different meanings or applications; the use of words that are alike or nearly alike in sound but different in meaning.

And, do you know, it was right.

Enjoy!

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I’ve never been to our basement.

I think it’s is beneath me

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Did you hear about the scarecrow that won an award?

He was outstanding in his field.

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First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.

Funny sense of humor my plumber has.

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When I was younger my Grandma used to rub lard into my Grandpa’s back when he was ill.

He went down hill fast after that.

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I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue.

I couldn’t put it down.

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I went in to a pet shop.

I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?”

The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”

I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”

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Just seen a sign outside the hardware store:

“Stainless Steel Sinks”.

Bit obvious, I thought.

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I went to the Video Shop the other day.

I said, “Can I take out Batman Forever?”

They said, “No, you have to bring it back tomorrow.”

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God is talking to one of his angels.

He says, “Boy, I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth.”

“What are you going to do now?” asks the angel.

“Call it a day,” says God.

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A Freudian slip is one where you say one thing but mean a mother.

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I recently took up meditation.

It beats sitting around doing nothing.

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I was chopping up carrots with the Grim Reaper yesterday…

….You could say I was dicing with death.

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I went to the doctors.

He said, “You’ve got hypochondria.”

I said, “Oh no, not that as well.”

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My dog is a blacksmith.

Every time I open the front door he makes a bolt for it.

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I don’t understand how people call me homophobic.

I love my house.

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Did you hear about the guy that trashed a Chinese restaurant?

He’s being charged with Wonton Destruction.

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