Don’t Beam Me Up Just Yet, Scotty!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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You will get what the title is all about later. Let’s just say for now I’ll still be buying my airplane tickets and enduring the rigors of airport security for a few years longer.

As for now it’s Fact Day so have a look at the current offerings.

Enjoy.

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did you know2

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In cold weather keeping your cell phone

as close to your body as you can,

or in the inside pocket of an insulated base layer

will help keep it warm and prolong battery life.

 warm cell phone case

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In the West women usually start shopping for baby things

as soon as they discover they’re pregnant

but in China a pregnant Chinese woman will avoid

getting a stroller before her baby is born because

according to Chinese tradition it’s considered

bad luck to have an empty stroller in the house

while you’re pregnant.

 stroller

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The world’s oldest-known formula for toothpaste

was created by the ancient Egyptians

who used crushed rock salt, mint, dried iris flowers,

and pepper and mixed them to create a cleaning powder.

Research suggests this ancient toothpaste was more

effective than formulas used as recently as a century ago,

although it did have the unfortunate side effect

of causing bleeding gums.

 toothpaste

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A scientific study has suggested that if you

are stressing over an important test or exam,

writing down your feelings on a piece of paper

before an exam will allow you to achieve higher scores.

 writing down your feelings on a piece of paper

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Contrary to many theories,

the tongue does not have specific receptor areas

for bitter, sour, salty, and sweet flavors.

In fact, there is a fifth taste (umami, for savory/meaty flavors)

and all zones of the tongue can sense all flavors.

 all zones of the tongue can sense all flavors

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After banning the Nobel Prize,

Adolf Hitler developed his own version

– the German National Prize for Art and Science.

Ferdinand Porsche was one of the awardees

for being the man behind the world’s first

hybrid car and for the Volkswagen Beetle.

 German National Prize for Art and Science

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In a statement he gave to the New York Times in 1909,

Nikola Tesla predicted that it would soon be possible

to transmit messages via personal devices.

Today, we have wireless communication devices

that we bring with us anywhere we go.

 Nikola Tesla

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A month after the USSR sent Sputnik 1 into space,

they sent Sputnik 2, which was the first spacecraft

to carry an animal (a dog named Laika) into space.

However, despite the Soviets initially claiming that

Laika had survived in orbit for a week,

decades later official Russian sources revealed

that Laika lived only a few hours

before dying from overheating.

Brave little doggie though.

 Laika

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During WWI “Hello Girls,” as American

soldiers called them, were American women

who served as telephone operators for

Pershing’s forces in Europe.

The women were fluent in French and English

and were specially trained by the American

Telephone and Telegraph Company.

In 1979, the U.S. Army finally gave war medals

and veteran benefits to the few Hello Girls who were still alive.

 WWI Hello Girls

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In its early days YouTube’s founders used

Craigslist to try to popularize the site

by offering $100 to attractive girls who would

post ten or more videos of themselves.

Unfortunately, they didn’t get a single response.

 craigslist logo

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The phrase ‘Don’t judge a book by its cover’

goes back to at least the mid-nineteenth century

as found in George Eliot’s ‘The Mill on the Floss’ (1860),

where Mr. Tulliver uses the phrase in discussing

Daniel Defoe’s ‘The History of the Devil’,

saying how it was beautifully bound.

Its general meaning today, of course, is that

we shouldn’t judge or make a decision about

someone or something based on a brief

impression or outward appearance.

Wise advice.

 Don’t judge a book by its cover

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Just as true champagne must hail from France,

tequila has Denomination of Origin,

meaning that it has to be produced in Mexico,

mainly in the western Mexican state of Jalisco.

The states of Guanajuato, Michoacan, Nayarit,

and Tamaulipas are also acceptable.

 taquila bottles

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Located in the city of Taipei in Taiwan, the

D.S. Music Restaurant has nothing to do with music at all.

In fact, it is a bizarre hospital-themed restaurant

where waitresses are all dressed as nurses,

tables are made from metal hospital beds,

drinks are served in IV bottles and

walls are decorated with X-ray scans.

 D.S. Music Restaurant Taiwan

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Remember the teleporter Star Trek?

Well, it’s no longer science fiction because now

matter can be dissolved into particles, transported

and reassembled at another location.

However, it won’t be available for use on humans

in the near future because at the moment,

whilst it is indeed possible to scan every molecule

in the human body and reassemble it in another area,

according to Quantum physics, scanning and

reassembling changes the entire object.

You can’t make an exact copy.

So don’t beam me up just yet, Scotty!

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Apparently 5/3rds Of People Can’t Do Fractions.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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5/3rds? That’s almost half, isn’t it?

But never mind all that, today isn’t about mathematics, it’s about puns.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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Recently got myself a symphony orchestra but for some reason

all they eat is lemons and strawberry shortcake.

They’re called the Bittersweet Symphony.

Bittersweet Symphony

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My brother just got his exam results

for his Double Equine Studies.

He got a G G.

GG

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My friend’s wife started her job on a cruise ship last week.

I asked him, “How is she getting on?”

He replied, “I’m not sure, I think they use a crane.”

crane

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Did you hear about the two clams

who went out on a cheap date?

They were just being shellfish.

clam-thumb-460x260

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Two geologists were staring

at a huge fissure in a cliff face

and one was overheard to say

‘It’s not my fault’.

fissure in cliff face

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I once tried telling a joke about bad postmen,

the delivery was all wrong.

cartoon-postman-running-away-from-a-dog-he-is-dropping-his-letters

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When an actress saw her first strands of

gray hair she thought she’d dye.

first grey hair

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Paddy took two stuffed dogs he had

on to the Antiques Road Show

“Ooooh,” says the presenter.

“This is a very rare breed.”

“Do you have any idea what they’d fetch

if they were in good condition?”

“I dunno.” says Paddy.

“Sticks?”

roadshow2

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My doctor reckons I’m paranoid.

He didn’t say it,

but I know he’s thinking it.

paranoid

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An elderly man with Alzheimer’s walks into a bar

and sees a rather tasty elderly woman.

He walks over and sits beside her and says,

“Do I come here often?”

old man cartoon

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It’s really difficult to find what you want on eBay.

I was searching for cigarette lighters

and found over 15,000 matches.

match and cigarette lighter

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Scientist:

“My findings are pointless when taken out of context.”

Media:

“Scientist claims ‘findings are pointless’.”

cartoon scientist

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My friend was sacked yesterday

for sexual harassment.

No one understands why,

he was always hard at work.

hard at work

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My friend just told me he saw a midget climbing

over the wall of the prison on a bed sheet.

I told him he was a little con descending.

midget

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So the young teenage girl says to her mother,

“I think I’m pregnant.”

“What?” exclaims the mother.

“But we had a talk about this.”

“I told you if a boy touches your breast you are to say ‘STOP’

and if he tries to touch you down there your are to say ‘DON’T’.”

“But Mom,” the girl replies.

“He touched them both at the same time.”

“And I shouted ‘DON’T’  ‘STOP’.”

mom-daughter-cartoon

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Golf: Putting The Putting Into Putting!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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As if you didn’t know from the title – it’s pun day again!

More word play jokes to be enjoyed or endured depending on your taste.

Try them out.

And enjoy!

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rofl

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My wife and I were happy for 25 years.

Then we met.

wife-husband-cartoon(3)

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I went for an audition the other day.

They were casting 13 people to be clouds.

14 showed up.

It was overcast.

films-standing_in_line-stands-queues-audition-auditioning-tzun414l

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Billy: “Did you that movie yesterday where

the actress that was stabbed by a psycho?

Reese…what’s her name?”

Tommy: “Witherspoon?”

Billy: “No with a knife.”

Reese Witherspoon

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Have you ever had an accident at work?

Yes, my secretary is pregnant.

secretary pregnant

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Rats are under rated.

Just check your dictionary.

dictionary rat

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I woke up this morning and there was a bloke stealing my gate.

I didn’t want to say anything in case he took a fence.

Fence Main

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The fattest man in Britain has recently relocated

from Bath to Poole as he ‘needs more living space’.

bath

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Some terms are really misleading.

I went into the changing room several times.

It was still the same.

Changing-Room-Door

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I used to feed gorillas at the Zoo from a distance using a golf club.

I’d drive them bananas.

monkey_likes_banana_golf_ball

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I was asked to describe my life in a nut shell.

“Very dark and cramped,” I replied.

Nutshell

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I lost my watch earlier.

I would have looked for it but I didn’t have the time.

Watch

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My friend Daniel wouldn’t believe me when

I told him that his name was an anagram.

He’s in denial.

denial

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I was going to start taking self defense lessons

but I decided on a math class instead.

I’m a firm believer there’s safety in numbers.

sums25eq

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I saw a billboard on the way to work this

morning that read “Future Events.”

Well, that’s a sign of things to come.

Future_Events

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A Zulu walking through the jungle comes across a pygmy standing over a dead lion.

“Did you kill that lion?” asks the Zulu.

“Yeah, I beat it to death with my club,” the pygmy replies.

“Wow, you must have a big club,” says the Zulu.

“Yes,” replies the pygmy. “There’s about thirty of us.” 

pygmy

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Did They Really Mean To Say That? – Newspaper Headline Nightmares, Part Sixteen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Believe it or not, part sixteen of the newspapers headline nightmares series.

Just goes to prove that these are not isolated incidents and that stupidity doesn’t go away.

As always, enjoy.

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np_threats

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np_tiger

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np_tiger69

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np_toiletpaper

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np_twotheories

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np_under15s

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np_underwear

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np_urineears

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np_votersjampolls

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np_wang

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np_weightgain

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np_weiner

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I’ve Never Understood Decimals – What’s The Point?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I may be having difficulty understanding the point of decimals, but I understand the point of a good pun or two.

Hope you do too.

Here is the latest word play selection for you enjoyment.

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I just found a note that says “Dial-a-Party” and a phone number.

I believe this calls for a celebration.

phone

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Went to a 70’s disco the other night.

Bought all sorts of cool gear too; platform boots,

brightly coloured flares, an afro wig…

But in retro specs I looked a twat.

mens-1970s-fashion

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Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma.

There’s no menu, they just give you what you deserve.

Karma - restaurant

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I’m an avid campaigner for the preservation of endangered animals.

You should taste my panda jam.

wwf-panda-logo

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My friend’s always boasting how he once had to

shuffle 52 packs of cards and

then distribute them equally between 4 people.

Big deal.

dealing_cards_wapday-com

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You know who I can’t stand?

Intolerant people.

Bastards!

intolerance

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I had some time to kill yesterday.

So I went round to the mother-in-law’s.

cartoon-mother-in-law-card-by-leahg1

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One by one, all of my best friends have started

to become interested in men as well as women.

So I’m just sitting here, watching the world go bi.

darkow bi-ball

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My wife has just texted me asking me to ‘do her’ tonight.

I’m not looking forward to it, I’m useless at impressions.

first-impressions-cartoon-2

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I was taking the freeway out of LA the other day

when the cops pulled me over and said:

‘Put it back’.

freeway

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Guy #1:  “I call my girlfriend ‘Miss Universe’.”

Guy #2:  “Is it because she’s so beautiful?”

Guy #1:  “No it’s ’cause she’s constantly expanding, the fat cow!” 

scared-cat-cartoon-kitty-frightened-of-fat-lady-from-behind

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I used to keep poking myself in my eyes,

but don’t worry,

I can’t see myself doing it again.

poking

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Archaeologists have just discovered

an ancient Egyptian ruler embalmed in chocolate.

Apparently it was Pharaoh Rocher.

choc body

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My tailor has stitched the bottom

of my trousers the wrong way around.

Meh.

fashion681

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I pulled a cracker last Christmas.

There’s a joke in there somewhere.

christmas-crackers-and-decoration

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Can anybody tell me where Jeopardy is?

Apparently there’s 1000s of jobs there.

Jeopardy Logo

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My teacher handed me a blank piece of white paper.

“Make a paper plane,” she said.

“It already is,” I said.

blank paper

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My opinion on fishmongers?

Selfish.

fishmonger

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My friend just showed me a picture of his new girlfriend,

who he says is from Eastern Europe.

I looked at the picture and said

‘she looks nothing like a frog.’

‘What are you on about?’ He said.

‘I told you she’s a Tad-Polish.’

frog-tadpoles

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I think my mum is going senile.

I just told her that my girlfriend is pregnant with my daughter.

She asked me, “Do you have a name?”

I said, “I’ve always had a name, for goodness sake, it’s me, David.”

mother_here_phone

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Awkward Moments – Life’s Great Levelers

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Have you ever had awkward moments when you feel a bit stupider than normal? Thankfully I am not as intellectually challenged as the people who feature in this blog, and, of course, neither are you. But I have had my moments!

For example I have been at serious business meetings in hotels where everybody leaves at the same time. We go outside, say our goodbyes, shake hands  –  and then we all set off walking in the same direction! FFS!!!

There are lots of others too. Here are just some of the classics.

Enjoy!

 

 

That awkward moment when someone says “Hello!” and you say “Good thanks!”

(Okay, so there are times I don’t really listen.)

 

 

That awkward moment when you don’t know whether you should tell someone they have food wedged between their teeth.

(I always leave that job to someone else.)

 

 

That awkward moment when you notice someone’s zipper is down but you don’t want to say anything because you don’t have a good excuse for why you were looking there in the first place.

(So many euphemisms for this one. The awkward bit is when you are talking to someone so dumb they can’t take the hint.)

 

 

That awkward moment when you’re trying to get over someone you weren’t even dating.

(This actually did happen to a friend of mine, the dork!)

 

 

That awkward moment when you don’t know if you should hug someone or not.

(Americans are huggers, continental Europeans are kissers on both cheeks, but the British find the whole idea repulsive and usually recoil in terror – awkward or what?)

 

 

That awkward moment when you try to exit through a closed glass door.

(I’ve posted videos about this one – very funny when it happens to other people.)

 

 

That awkward moment when you pull the push door even though it’s clearly signed.

(I’ve done this one, happens a lot if you are preoccupied with other things.)

 

 

That awkward moment when someone asks you how far along you are, and you are not pregnant.

(Whoops!)

 

 

That awkward moment when someone asks when your baby is due and you had your baby two years ago.

(Double whoops!!)

 

 

That awkward moment when you don’t know which arm rest is yours at the cinema.

(Or which cup holder to stick your drink in. Is there a rule? They haven’t told me??)

 

 

That awkward moment when you get stuck in a bean bag.

(Never a bean bag, but got stuck in a leather chair once, maybe blog about that one.)

 

 

That awkward moment when you arrive at the party and see someone else wearing the same dress.

(Personally I don’t wear dresses, but I can see how it might be awkward.)

 

 

That awkward moment when you’re singing Happy Birthday but you don’t know the name of the person so you just mumble the name part.

(Semi-pro at this one.)

 

 

That awkward moment when you’re talking to someone but you can’t remember their name, so you try to avoid introducing them to the person you’re with.

(Gold medalist if this was an Olympic sport.)

 

 

That awkward moment when you try to sneak a photo of someone but the flash goes off.

(You’d have to know how to work the camera on your phone for this one.)

 

 

That awkward moment when you realize you’ve kept talking after the call dropped out.

(Since the arrival of cell phones who hasn’t had this one happen at least once?)

 

 

That awkward moment when unexpected visitors arrive at 11am and you’re still in your PJ’s.

(Haven’t done this one yet, I just wouldn’t let them in.)

 

 

That awkward moment when you see someone that looks like someone you know, and you scream their name, and it’s not them.

(Well maybe not scream, but I have got names mixed up once or twice.)

 

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