I’m going to run a short series of ‘Witty One-Liners’ from the late great comedian, George Carlin.
I didn’t agree with everything George believed in or everything he said, but the man had a great gift of looking at life from a slightly different, and very humorous, perspective than most people.
I hope you enjoy them too.
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Is there another word for synonym?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why are a ‘wise man’ and a ‘wise guy’ opposites?
Why do ‘overlook’ and ‘oversee’ mean opposite things?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
Have you ever noticed that their ‘stuff’ is shit and your ‘shit’ is stuff?
You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.