I’m Starting A One-Man Band – Email Me If You’re Interested.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Welcome to the last Pun Day….

Of this July that is, I hope you didn’t get your hopes up too high.

Anyway here are the latest offerings.

Enjoy or endure!

.

 

 

.

This nice weather doesn’t fool me one bit.

It’s just a front.

.

.

What do you call a couple

who go fishing together?

Rod and Annette.

.

.

I hate jokes about Vietnam.

They really Hanoi me.

.

.

My new book about Poltergeists

is flying off the shelves.

.

.

I was touched by my Granddad

when I was a little boy.

His tear jerking tales of world war two

were simply heartbreaking.

.

.

I was telling the police officer

how local youths had thrown

a milk bottle at me and just missed.

He asked, “Skimmed past your face?”

I replied, “No, full fat over my shoulder.” 

.

.

‘My post box’

has got nine letters in it.

.

.

I told my fiancee and friends that I wanted

to racially segregate our wedding.

They didn’t really warm to it.

I was met with a mixed reception.

.

.

Age isn’t

“just a number”

– it’s quite clearly a word

.

.

People who confuse

the metaphorical and the factual

make my head literally explode.

.

.

My girlfriend was disappointed when

I bought her New York flights for her birthday.

But not as disappointed as I was when

I found out she didn’t even play darts.

.

.

I’ve just stolen loads of swimming inflatables.

I’d better lilo.   

.

.

I went to see my new doctor this morning about my piles.

He told me to drop my trousers and pants and bend over.

As I pulled my cheeks apart, he said,

“I’m going to need your whole name.”

I said, “I just call it my asshole.”

.

.

Gordon Ramsay reminds me of a newspaper.

Only with more headlines.

.

.

Time traveller’s convention next June.

I’m there.

.

========================================

.

Absolute Power Does Corrupt – Always!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

You know, sometimes you just have to laugh at the stupidity and short-sightedness of politicians.

The latest idiot to hit the headlines is US House Representative Jim Sensenbrenner. You might remember him, he was the one who wrote the supposed anti-terror law now known as the Patriot Act.

Now he has asked the European Parliament for help in controlling the obviously completely out of control NSA who have decided this piece of ill thought out legislation gives them carte blanch permission to snoop into everybody’s business, friend and foe.

Apparently Congressman Sensenbrenner has belatedly seen the error of his ways and wants Europe to put pressure on the US to change its legislation to stop the spy agency’s mass communications data collecting activities.

Today Sensenbrenner says that the NSA has abused the trust placed in it by the American people. Powers that were designed to protect them, but powers that have been used to spy on them instead. And the Brits are at it too!

Big surprise Jim?

I think not!

Then there is the damage they have done to America’s standing throughout the world. The Merklegate scandal, where the German Chancellor’s cell phone was found to be bugged, is just one of many instances where America has treated its allies like enemies, creating suspicion and distrust where there used to be friendship and cooperation.

And the poor judgment continues, because Sensenbrenner’s solution to the problem he helped to create is not to get rid of this bad legislation, but instead to create even more bad legislation that purports to curtail the excesses of the former.

Won’t work Jimmy.

No point fitting a new lock on the stable door after the horse is already out and galloping roughshod over the privacy of the American people and their friends.

All very well for Jim Sensenbrenner to say sorry now, but wasn’t it inevitable that the massive ill thought out powers handed to the spooks after 9-11 would be abused?

Absolute power does corrupt – always! That is why checks and balances are necessary, only they need to be put in place in time.

====================================

.

Did They Really Mean To Say That? – Newspaper Headline Nightmares, Part Seventeen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Maybe the last in this series of newspaper headline nightmares – for the moment. They’ve had a long run, buy I hope an entertaining one.

So enjoy this latest batch.

Who knows what will happen next week!

.

. 

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

And finally, a correction

.

.

.

==================================================

.

Did They Really Mean To Say That? – Newspaper Headline Nightmares, Part Sixteen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Believe it or not, part sixteen of the newspapers headline nightmares series.

Just goes to prove that these are not isolated incidents and that stupidity doesn’t go away.

As always, enjoy.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

============================================

.

 

Treadmills Get You Nowhere

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Pun day!

Steel yourselves for some more rather bad jokes.

There must be a few out there with masochistic tendencies because you seem to enjoy puns or word play jokes.

Me too.

So let’s get on with today’s selection.

Enjoy!

.

.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

. 

. 

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.

Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again

that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

. 

. 

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

. 

. 

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

. 

. 

Banning the bra was a big flop.

 

.

. 

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

. 

. 

Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.

. 

. 

A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.

. 

. 

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only shorts made from Bubble wrap.

The psychiatrist says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

. 

. 

Two wrongs don’t make a right.

But three rights make a left.

. 

. 

Thieves broke into the carpet store last night.

Police think it might be rug related.

. 

. 

Corduroy pillows. They’re making headlines.

. 

. 

Why was the dog standing still?

Because it was on paws.

 

.

. 

A woman has identical twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.”

The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.”

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, “They’re twins for goodness sake! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

.

======================

.