Why Do I Like Masochism? Beats Me!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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And for those masochists among you here is another selection of word plays, or puns.

You know what’s coming.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

As an avid gardener,

I got so excited by summer coming,

I wet my plants.

wet my plants

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The jar I put money into every

time I use profanities

has really helped me cut back.

I swear by it.

swear jar

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I was just told by someone

to stop being so unsavory.

I thought that’s sweet.

sweet

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Apparently it’s really easy to cook Monkfish,

Just stick it on the Friar….

Monkfish

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What do you call a girl

who keeps disappearing?

Heidi.

girl_hiding_behind_door

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I’ve just paid $10 for a 19th century painting

of a cow from the local charity shop.

I think it might be Art Mooveau.

painting of a cow

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What do you call

a Muslim doctor?

Amed.

Muslim doctor

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My dentist has accused me

of non-cooperation during appointments.

I’m keeping my mouth shut.

A man scared of dentists has taped his mouth shut.

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Having considered buying a couple of

calves at a livestock auction for $200,

I ended up purchasing two lambs for $100

which were sheep at half the price

sheep at half the price

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I thought it was weird when my friend

told me he’d fallen in love with a puppet.

Now he’s planning on marionette.

marionette

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I only enjoy carbonated drinks..

Soda speak.

carbonated drinks

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My wife said if I took one more

picture of her she’d leave me.

That’s when I snapped.

and_thats_when_i_snapped

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What’s better than

a cake on the table?

A tart on the floor.

cake on the table

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Our identical twins are impossible to tell apart.

They even wear the same aftershave.

Well, it’s not so much aftershave,

it’s more like Eau de Clone.

Eau de Clone

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My friend got me a poster of my

favourite 70’s Glam Rock band.

Sweet!

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It’s The Quiz Of The Week!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Hi and welcome to another week and another quiz.

Twenty more random questions to test you knowledge, some easy and some difficult, but there are a few multi-pointers in to help you with your score.

As usual the answers can be found waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but please NO cheating.

Enjoy and good luck.

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quiz confused1

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Q.  1:  How many ‘contiguous’ states are there in the United States of America?

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Q.  2:  In which movie would you find the robot or cyborg known as the ‘T-800’?

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Q.  3:  The 2014 Winter Olympics are being held next month (February 2014) in what country? (A bonus point is available if you can also name the City.)

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Q.  4:  Where were the previous (2010) Winter Olympics held and what location has been chosen for the next Winter Olympics in 2018? (A point for each and bonus points if you can also name the Cities.)

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Q.  5:  Which company built the ‘1972 911 Carrera RS’ classic automobile?

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Q.  6:  In what country did the soup known as ‘Miso’ originate?

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Q.  7:  Name the fictional detective associated with ‘Mrs. Hudson’.

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Q.  8:  What kind of mixed drink takes its name from the Hindi or Sanskrit word for ‘five’?

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Q.  9:  What is the common name for the garden flower ‘Helianthus’?

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Q. 10:  ‘Thimpu’ is the capital of what country?

            a) Nepal        b) Bhutan        c) Bahrain

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Q. 11:  Where was Super Bowl XLVII played on February 3, 2013?

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Q. 12:  In the late 1960s and early 1970s Leonard Nimoy starred in two classic television series, what were they? (Yes, a point for each correct answer and bonus points for the names of the characters he portrayed.)

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Q. 13:  ‘Rosalind’, ‘Portia’ and ‘Ophelia’ are moons of which planet?

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Q. 14:  A picture of Betty Grable wearing a white bathing suit made her the most popular pin-up of which war?

            a) WWI        b) WWII        c) Korea        d) Vietnam

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Q. 15:  Scandinavia is a large region of Northern Europe. What are the four mainland countries and one island nation that are generally collectively known as ‘Scandinavia’? (A point for each correct answer.)

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Q. 16:  As of the end of 2013, who has won the Academy award for Best Actor the most times? (Bonus points if you can name the movies too.)

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Q. 17:  What sort of creature is a whinchat?

            a) fish        b) insect        c) bird        d) mammal

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Q. 18:  ‘Columbo’,  ‘Morse’,  ‘Magnum’,  ‘Bergerac’,  and  ‘Nash Bridges’ were all television detectives and policemen who had one thing in common apart from their jobs, what was it?

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Q. 19:  With one word complete the following Acme Corporation inventions in ‘The Roadrunner’.

           a) dehydrated  _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _    and, b) portable  _ _ _ _ _

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Q. 20:  Released in 1954, a single by Bill Haley & His Comets became one of the best selling songs of all time with sales of 25 million. What was it?      

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  How many ‘contiguous’ states are there in the United States of America?

A.  1:  48.

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Q.  2:  In which movie would you find the robot or cyborg known as the ‘T-800’?

A.  2:  Terminator.

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Q.  3:  The 2014 Winter Olympics are being held next month (February 2014) in what country? (A bonus point is available if you can also name the City.)

A.  3:  The 2014 XXII Winter Olympics will be held in Sochi, Russia.

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Q.  4:  Where were the previous (2010) Winter Olympics held and what location has been chosen for the next Winter Olympics in 2018? (A point for each and bonus points if you can also name the Cities.)

A.  4:  Vancouver, Canada in 2010 and Pyeongchang, South Korea in 2018.

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Q.  5:  Which company built the ‘1972 911 Carrera RS’ classic automobile?

A.  5:  Porsche.

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Q.  6:  In what country did the soup known as ‘Miso’ originate?

A.  6:  Japan.

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Q.  7:  Name the fictional detective associated with ‘Mrs. Hudson’.

A.  7:  Sherlock Holmes.

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Q.  8:  What kind of mixed drink takes its name from the Hindi or Sanskrit word for ‘five’?

A.  8:  Punch.

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Q.  9:  What is the common name for the garden flower ‘Helianthus’?

A.  9:  Sunflower.

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Q. 10:  ‘Thimpu’ is the capital of what country?

            a) Nepal        b) Bhutan        c) Bahrain

A. 10:  b) Bhutan.

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Q. 11:  Where was Super Bowl XLVII played on February 3, 2013?

A. 11:  At the Mercedes-Benz Superdome in New Orleans, Louisiana.

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Q. 12:  In the late 1960s and early 1970s Leonard Nimoy starred in two classic television series, what were they? (Yes, a point for each correct answer and bonus points for the names of the characters he portrayed.)

A. 12:  Mr. Spock in Star Trek (1966-1969, 79 episodes) and Paris in Mission Impossible (1969-1971, 49 episodes).

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Q. 13:  ‘Rosalind’, ‘Portia’ and ‘Ophelia’ are moons of which planet?

A. 13:  Uranus.

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Q. 14:  A picture of Betty Grable wearing a white bathing suit made her the most popular pin-up of which war?

            a) WWI        b) WWII        c) Korea        d) Vietnam

A. 14:  b) WWII

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Q. 15:  Scandinavia is a large region of Northern Europe. What are the four mainland countries and one island nation that are generally collectively known as ‘Scandinavia’? (A point for each correct answer.)

A. 15:  Norway, Sweden, Denmark, Finland, and Iceland.

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Q. 16:  As of the end of 2013, who has won the Academy award for Best Actor the most times? (Bonus points if you can name the movies too.)

A. 16:  Daniel Day-Lewis. (In 1990 for ‘My Left Foot’, in 2008 for ‘There Will Be Blood’, and in 2013 for ‘Lincoln’.)

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Q. 17:  What sort of creature is a whinchat?

            a) fish        b) insect        c) bird        d) mammal

A. 17:  c) bird.

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Q. 18:  ‘Columbo’,  ‘Morse’,  ‘Magnum’,  ‘Bergerac’,  and  ‘Nash Bridges’ were all television detectives and policemen who had one thing in common apart from their jobs, what was it?

A. 18:  They all drove classic or distinctive cars.

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Q. 19:  With one word complete the following Acme Corporation inventions in ‘The Roadrunner’.

           a) dehydrated  _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _    and, b) portable  _ _ _ _ _

A. 19:  a) dehydrated boulders   and, b) portable holes

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Q. 20:  Released in 1954, a single by Bill Haley & His Comets became one of the best selling songs of all time with sales of 25 million. What was it?      

A. 20: “Rock Around the Clock”

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I’ve Never Understood Decimals – What’s The Point?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I may be having difficulty understanding the point of decimals, but I understand the point of a good pun or two.

Hope you do too.

Here is the latest word play selection for you enjoyment.

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I just found a note that says “Dial-a-Party” and a phone number.

I believe this calls for a celebration.

phone

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Went to a 70’s disco the other night.

Bought all sorts of cool gear too; platform boots,

brightly coloured flares, an afro wig…

But in retro specs I looked a twat.

mens-1970s-fashion

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Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma.

There’s no menu, they just give you what you deserve.

Karma - restaurant

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I’m an avid campaigner for the preservation of endangered animals.

You should taste my panda jam.

wwf-panda-logo

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My friend’s always boasting how he once had to

shuffle 52 packs of cards and

then distribute them equally between 4 people.

Big deal.

dealing_cards_wapday-com

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You know who I can’t stand?

Intolerant people.

Bastards!

intolerance

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I had some time to kill yesterday.

So I went round to the mother-in-law’s.

cartoon-mother-in-law-card-by-leahg1

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One by one, all of my best friends have started

to become interested in men as well as women.

So I’m just sitting here, watching the world go bi.

darkow bi-ball

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My wife has just texted me asking me to ‘do her’ tonight.

I’m not looking forward to it, I’m useless at impressions.

first-impressions-cartoon-2

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I was taking the freeway out of LA the other day

when the cops pulled me over and said:

‘Put it back’.

freeway

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Guy #1:  “I call my girlfriend ‘Miss Universe’.”

Guy #2:  “Is it because she’s so beautiful?”

Guy #1:  “No it’s ’cause she’s constantly expanding, the fat cow!” 

scared-cat-cartoon-kitty-frightened-of-fat-lady-from-behind

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I used to keep poking myself in my eyes,

but don’t worry,

I can’t see myself doing it again.

poking

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Archaeologists have just discovered

an ancient Egyptian ruler embalmed in chocolate.

Apparently it was Pharaoh Rocher.

choc body

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My tailor has stitched the bottom

of my trousers the wrong way around.

Meh.

fashion681

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I pulled a cracker last Christmas.

There’s a joke in there somewhere.

christmas-crackers-and-decoration

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Can anybody tell me where Jeopardy is?

Apparently there’s 1000s of jobs there.

Jeopardy Logo

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My teacher handed me a blank piece of white paper.

“Make a paper plane,” she said.

“It already is,” I said.

blank paper

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My opinion on fishmongers?

Selfish.

fishmonger

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My friend just showed me a picture of his new girlfriend,

who he says is from Eastern Europe.

I looked at the picture and said

‘she looks nothing like a frog.’

‘What are you on about?’ He said.

‘I told you she’s a Tad-Polish.’

frog-tadpoles

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I think my mum is going senile.

I just told her that my girlfriend is pregnant with my daughter.

She asked me, “Do you have a name?”

I said, “I’ve always had a name, for goodness sake, it’s me, David.”

mother_here_phone

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Strange Rooms

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Just a short post this Sunday. Something that a friend emailed to me a little while ago that I thought was worth sharing. If you have seen it before, my apologies, if you haven’t, I think it is worth a look.

Enjoy.

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PUBLIC TOILET

This is a picture of a public toilet

in Houston

…. from the outside it looks like this:

(scroll down.)

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toilet exterior view>
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Now that you’ve seen the outside view

take a look at the inside view…

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toilet view from interior>
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It’s

made

entirely of one-way glass!

No one

can see you

from the outside,

but

when you are inside

it’s like sitting in a clear glass box!

Now

would you…

COULD YOU….???
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NEXT

A  PAINTED  BATHROOM  FLOOR!!!

The tenth floor of a hi-rise building………

IMAGINE

YOU ARE AT A PARTY ..

AND THEN

YOU HAVE TO VISIT THE BATHROOM….

You open the door….

NOW, REMEMBER

THE FLOOR IS JUST A PAINTED FLOOR 

Scroll 

sloooooooowly.

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painted bathroom floor>
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Would this mess up your mind???
Would you be able to

walk into this bathroom???

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FINALLY!!

THIS

IS A CEILING MURAL……

IN A SMOKER’S LOUNGE.
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smokers lounge with painted ceiling

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