I Really Can’t Stand Sitting Down.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I bet you can’t stand sitting down either. It’s not easy.

But what is easy is having a look at some more puns.

So here you are.

Enjoy or endure!

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I just bought a Monopoly set which had no instructions.

What are the chances?

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Sony. Panasonic, Technics, Bang Olufsen, Teac.

They’re just stereotypes.

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A contestant accused me of being an unfair quiz host.

Point taken.

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I was walking down the street.

This guy waved to me, then came up to me and said,

“I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.”

I said, “I am.”

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Bilbo Baggins has died.

I read it in the hobbituary column.

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Two mountaineers reach a huge, deep fissure in a glacier.

“Careful here,” says one of them.

“My mountain guide fell down there last year.”

“I bet you feel bad about that,” says the other.

“Not really, it was pretty old and missing a few pages.”

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My friend just finished watching Kill Bill, volume 1;

He said he couldn’t hear it very well, though.

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I was reading this book on the anatomy of a pig.

It was pretty standard, but I got to the end

and found there to be a twist in the tale.

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I’ve been out of work for a while but have just got

a job at a factory making periscopes.

Things are looking up.

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Our Marriage Guidance Counsellor said my wife and I

needed to talk about the elephant in the room.

I turned to my wife and said

”see, even she thinks you’re fat”

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It took me ages to change all my clocks.

There’s an hour of my life I’ll never get back!

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I’ve decided to have a party in my vegetable garden tonight.

Lettuce turnip the beet.

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I haven’t used my eBook reader for a while.

Maybe it’s time to rekindle our relationship.

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How does the barber cut the moon’s hair?

Eclipse it.

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And speaking of hair, The Beatles’ song,

“Love Me Do” was written by John Lennon

after he’d had a really good haircut.

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Apparently 5/3rds Of People Can’t Do Fractions.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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5/3rds? That’s almost half, isn’t it?

But never mind all that, today isn’t about mathematics, it’s about puns.

Enjoy or endure!

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Recently got myself a symphony orchestra but for some reason

all they eat is lemons and strawberry shortcake.

They’re called the Bittersweet Symphony.

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My brother just got his exam results

for his Double Equine Studies.

He got a G G.

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My friend’s wife started her job on a cruise ship last week.

I asked him, “How is she getting on?”

He replied, “I’m not sure, I think they use a crane.”

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Did you hear about the two clams

who went out on a cheap date?

They were just being shellfish.

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Two geologists were staring

at a huge fissure in a cliff face

and one was overheard to say

‘It’s not my fault’.

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I once tried telling a joke about bad postmen,

the delivery was all wrong.

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When an actress saw her first strands of

gray hair she thought she’d dye.

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Paddy took two stuffed dogs he had

on to the Antiques Road Show

“Ooooh,” says the presenter.

“This is a very rare breed.”

“Do you have any idea what they’d fetch

if they were in good condition?”

“I dunno.” says Paddy.

“Sticks?”

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My doctor reckons I’m paranoid.

He didn’t say it,

but I know he’s thinking it.

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An elderly man with Alzheimer’s walks into a bar

and sees a rather tasty elderly woman.

He walks over and sits beside her and says,

“Do I come here often?”

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It’s really difficult to find what you want on eBay.

I was searching for cigarette lighters

and found over 15,000 matches.

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Scientist:

“My findings are pointless when taken out of context.”

Media:

“Scientist claims ‘findings are pointless’.”

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My friend was sacked yesterday

for sexual harassment.

No one understands why,

he was always hard at work.

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My friend just told me he saw a midget climbing

over the wall of the prison on a bed sheet.

I told him he was a little con descending.

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So the young teenage girl says to her mother,

“I think I’m pregnant.”

“What?” exclaims the mother.

“But we had a talk about this.”

“I told you if a boy touches your breast you are to say ‘STOP’

and if he tries to touch you down there your are to say ‘DON’T’.”

“But Mom,” the girl replies.

“He touched them both at the same time.”

“And I shouted ‘DON’T’  ‘STOP’.”

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