Golf: Putting The Putting Into Putting!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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As if you didn’t know from the title – it’s pun day again!

More word play jokes to be enjoyed or endured depending on your taste.

Try them out.

And enjoy!

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rofl

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My wife and I were happy for 25 years.

Then we met.

wife-husband-cartoon(3)

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I went for an audition the other day.

They were casting 13 people to be clouds.

14 showed up.

It was overcast.

films-standing_in_line-stands-queues-audition-auditioning-tzun414l

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Billy: “Did you that movie yesterday where

the actress that was stabbed by a psycho?

Reese…what’s her name?”

Tommy: “Witherspoon?”

Billy: “No with a knife.”

Reese Witherspoon

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Have you ever had an accident at work?

Yes, my secretary is pregnant.

secretary pregnant

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Rats are under rated.

Just check your dictionary.

dictionary rat

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I woke up this morning and there was a bloke stealing my gate.

I didn’t want to say anything in case he took a fence.

Fence Main

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The fattest man in Britain has recently relocated

from Bath to Poole as he ‘needs more living space’.

bath

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Some terms are really misleading.

I went into the changing room several times.

It was still the same.

Changing-Room-Door

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I used to feed gorillas at the Zoo from a distance using a golf club.

I’d drive them bananas.

monkey_likes_banana_golf_ball

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I was asked to describe my life in a nut shell.

“Very dark and cramped,” I replied.

Nutshell

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I lost my watch earlier.

I would have looked for it but I didn’t have the time.

Watch

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My friend Daniel wouldn’t believe me when

I told him that his name was an anagram.

He’s in denial.

denial

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I was going to start taking self defense lessons

but I decided on a math class instead.

I’m a firm believer there’s safety in numbers.

sums25eq

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I saw a billboard on the way to work this

morning that read “Future Events.”

Well, that’s a sign of things to come.

Future_Events

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A Zulu walking through the jungle comes across a pygmy standing over a dead lion.

“Did you kill that lion?” asks the Zulu.

“Yeah, I beat it to death with my club,” the pygmy replies.

“Wow, you must have a big club,” says the Zulu.

“Yes,” replies the pygmy. “There’s about thirty of us.” 

pygmy

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Witty One-liner Wednesday – Some Sayings Of The Late George Carlin

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I’m going to run a short series of ‘Witty One-Liners’ from the late great comedian, George Carlin.

I didn’t agree with everything George believed in or everything he said, but the man had a great gift of looking at life from a slightly different, and very humorous, perspective than most people.

I hope you enjoy them too.

George Carlin
George Carlin

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If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

 

Is there another word for synonym?

 

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

 

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

 

Why are a ‘wise man’ and a ‘wise guy’ opposites?  

 

Why do ‘overlook’ and ‘oversee’ mean opposite things?

 

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

 

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

 

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

 

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!

 

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

 

Have you ever noticed that their ‘stuff’ is shit and your ‘shit’ is stuff?

 

You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.

 

If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

 

No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.

 

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”

 

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

 

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

 

Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

 

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