I’ve Never Understood Decimals – What’s The Point?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I may be having difficulty understanding the point of decimals, but I understand the point of a good pun or two.

Hope you do too.

Here is the latest word play selection for you enjoyment.

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I just found a note that says “Dial-a-Party” and a phone number.

I believe this calls for a celebration.

phone

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Went to a 70’s disco the other night.

Bought all sorts of cool gear too; platform boots,

brightly coloured flares, an afro wig…

But in retro specs I looked a twat.

mens-1970s-fashion

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Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma.

There’s no menu, they just give you what you deserve.

Karma - restaurant

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I’m an avid campaigner for the preservation of endangered animals.

You should taste my panda jam.

wwf-panda-logo

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My friend’s always boasting how he once had to

shuffle 52 packs of cards and

then distribute them equally between 4 people.

Big deal.

dealing_cards_wapday-com

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You know who I can’t stand?

Intolerant people.

Bastards!

intolerance

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I had some time to kill yesterday.

So I went round to the mother-in-law’s.

cartoon-mother-in-law-card-by-leahg1

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One by one, all of my best friends have started

to become interested in men as well as women.

So I’m just sitting here, watching the world go bi.

darkow bi-ball

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My wife has just texted me asking me to ‘do her’ tonight.

I’m not looking forward to it, I’m useless at impressions.

first-impressions-cartoon-2

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I was taking the freeway out of LA the other day

when the cops pulled me over and said:

‘Put it back’.

freeway

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Guy #1:  “I call my girlfriend ‘Miss Universe’.”

Guy #2:  “Is it because she’s so beautiful?”

Guy #1:  “No it’s ’cause she’s constantly expanding, the fat cow!” 

scared-cat-cartoon-kitty-frightened-of-fat-lady-from-behind

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I used to keep poking myself in my eyes,

but don’t worry,

I can’t see myself doing it again.

poking

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Archaeologists have just discovered

an ancient Egyptian ruler embalmed in chocolate.

Apparently it was Pharaoh Rocher.

choc body

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My tailor has stitched the bottom

of my trousers the wrong way around.

Meh.

fashion681

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I pulled a cracker last Christmas.

There’s a joke in there somewhere.

christmas-crackers-and-decoration

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Can anybody tell me where Jeopardy is?

Apparently there’s 1000s of jobs there.

Jeopardy Logo

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My teacher handed me a blank piece of white paper.

“Make a paper plane,” she said.

“It already is,” I said.

blank paper

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My opinion on fishmongers?

Selfish.

fishmonger

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My friend just showed me a picture of his new girlfriend,

who he says is from Eastern Europe.

I looked at the picture and said

‘she looks nothing like a frog.’

‘What are you on about?’ He said.

‘I told you she’s a Tad-Polish.’

frog-tadpoles

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I think my mum is going senile.

I just told her that my girlfriend is pregnant with my daughter.

She asked me, “Do you have a name?”

I said, “I’ve always had a name, for goodness sake, it’s me, David.”

mother_here_phone

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3 thoughts on “I’ve Never Understood Decimals – What’s The Point?

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