I’ve Never Understood Decimals – What’s The Point?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

I may be having difficulty understanding the point of decimals, but I understand the point of a good pun or two.

Hope you do too.

Here is the latest word play selection for you enjoyment.

.

.

I just found a note that says “Dial-a-Party” and a phone number.

I believe this calls for a celebration.

.

.

Went to a 70’s disco the other night.

Bought all sorts of cool gear too; platform boots,

brightly coloured flares, an afro wig…

But in retro specs I looked a twat.

.

.

Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma.

There’s no menu, they just give you what you deserve.

.

.

I’m an avid campaigner for the preservation of endangered animals.

You should taste my panda jam.

.

.

My friend’s always boasting how he once had to

shuffle 52 packs of cards and

then distribute them equally between 4 people.

Big deal.

.

.

You know who I can’t stand?

Intolerant people.

Bastards!

.

.

I had some time to kill yesterday.

So I went round to the mother-in-law’s.

.

.

One by one, all of my best friends have started

to become interested in men as well as women.

So I’m just sitting here, watching the world go bi.

.

.

My wife has just texted me asking me to ‘do her’ tonight.

I’m not looking forward to it, I’m useless at impressions.

.

.

I was taking the freeway out of LA the other day

when the cops pulled me over and said:

‘Put it back’.

.

.

Guy #1:  “I call my girlfriend ‘Miss Universe’.”

Guy #2:  “Is it because she’s so beautiful?”

Guy #1:  “No it’s ’cause she’s constantly expanding, the fat cow!” 

.

.

I used to keep poking myself in my eyes,

but don’t worry,

I can’t see myself doing it again.

.

.

Archaeologists have just discovered

an ancient Egyptian ruler embalmed in chocolate.

Apparently it was Pharaoh Rocher.

.

.

My tailor has stitched the bottom

of my trousers the wrong way around.

Meh.

.

.

I pulled a cracker last Christmas.

There’s a joke in there somewhere.

.

.

Can anybody tell me where Jeopardy is?

Apparently there’s 1000s of jobs there.

.

.

My teacher handed me a blank piece of white paper.

“Make a paper plane,” she said.

“It already is,” I said.

.

.

My opinion on fishmongers?

Selfish.

.

.

My friend just showed me a picture of his new girlfriend,

who he says is from Eastern Europe.

I looked at the picture and said

‘she looks nothing like a frog.’

‘What are you on about?’ He said.

‘I told you she’s a Tad-Polish.’

.

.

I think my mum is going senile.

I just told her that my girlfriend is pregnant with my daughter.

She asked me, “Do you have a name?”

I said, “I’ve always had a name, for goodness sake, it’s me, David.”

.

=======================================

.

Don’t Join Dangerous Cults: Practice Safe Sects! – Yes, More Puns!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

What could be better than a bit of sound advice mixed with a little pun?

Appearing today probably to mixed reviews, here is another of puns, bad jokes or word plays, whatever you like to call them.

Enjoy!

(BTW, the last one is a classic!)

. .

Did you know that every two in one people are schizophrenic?

.

.

I hear that the credit crunch is even affecting fairgrounds.

My friend’s a dodgems operator and he lost his job this morning.

He’s suing for funfair dismissal.

.

.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table,

because he only recognizes the element of surprise

.

.

I got a new anorexic girlfriend.

It’s not going too well.

These days, I’m seeing less and less of her.

.

.

I went into the hardware store yesterday.

I went up to the counter and asked the bloke for some nails.

He said, “How long do you want them?”

I said, “I want to keep ’em.”

.

.

My late mother-in-law was a clairvoyant and a contortionist.

As a result she was able to foresee her own end

.

.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

.

.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

Mary Poppins said  he was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

.

.

Could you say a gossip is someone with a sense of rumor?

.

.

Why was the ink drop sad?

Because her dad was in the pen and she didn’t know how long the sentence would be!

.

.

My mate is addicted to brake fluid.

But he reckons he can stop at any time.

.

.

When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.

.

.

How do you kill a circus?

Go for the juggler.

.

.

What do you call a French man in sandals?

Phillippe Flop

.

======================

.

Day Two 2013, Are You Scared Yet?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

If you aren’t scared yet the chances are you are not afflicted with anything on the following list of phobias or irrational fears that seem to grip some unfortunate people. For them 2013 will be as frightening as 2012. Imagine, for example, spending the whole year with proctophobia – what a bummer!

In today’s list are the ‘O’s and the ‘P’s. 

Enjoy.

. 

. 

Obesophobia……….fear of gaining weight. (Pocrescophobia)

 

Ochlophobia……….fear of crowds or mobs.

 

Ochophobia……….fear of vehicles.

 

Octophobia ……….fear of the figure 8.

 

Odontophobia……….fear of teeth or dental surgery.

 

Odynophobia or Odynephobia……….fear of pain. (Algophobia)

 

Oenophobia……….fear of wines.

 

Oikophobia……….fear of home surroundings, house. (Domatophobia, Eicophobia)

 

Olfactophobia……….fear of smells.

 

Ombrophobia……….fear of rain or of being rained on.

 

Ommetaphobia or Ommatophobia……….fear of eyes.

 

Omphalophobia……….fear of belly buttons.

 

Oneirophobia……….fear of dreams.

 

Oneirogmophobia……….fear of wet dreams.

 

Onomatophobia……….fear of hearing a certain word or of names.

 

Ophidiophobia……….fear of snakes. (Snakephobia)

 

Ophthalmophobia……….fear of being stared at.

 

Opiophobia……….fear medical doctors experience of prescribing needed pain medications for patients.

 

Optophobia……….fear of opening one’s eyes.

 

Ornithophobia……….fear of birds.

 

Orthophobia……….fear of property.

 

Osmophobia or Osphresiophobia……….fear of smells or odors.

 

Ostraconophobia……….fear of shellfish.

 

Ouranophobia or Uranophobia……….fear of heaven.

 

Pagophobia……….fear of ice or frost.

 

Panthophobia……….fear of suffering and disease.

 

Panophobia or Pantophobia……….fear of everything.

 

Papaphobia……….fear of the Pope.

 

Papyrophobia……….fear of paper.

 

Paralipophobia……….fear of neglecting duty or responsibility.

 

Paraphobia……….fear of sexual perversion.

 

Parasitophobia……….fear of parasites.

 

Paraskavedekatriaphobia……….fear of Friday the 13th.

 

Parthenophobia……….fear of virgins or young girls.

 

Pathophobia……….fear of disease.

 

Patroiophobia……….fear of heredity.

 

Parturiphobia……….fear of childbirth.

 

Peccatophobia……….fear of sinning or imaginary crimes.

 

Pediculophobia……….fear of lice.

 

Pediophobia……….fear of dolls.

 

Pedophobia……….fear of children.

 

Peladophobia……….fear of bald people.

 

Pellagrophobia……….fear of pellagra.

 

Peniaphobia……….fear of poverty.

 

Pentheraphobia……….fear of mother-in-law. (Novercaphobia)

 

Phagophobia……….fear of swallowing or of eating or of being eaten.

 

Phalacrophobia……….fear of becoming bald.

 

Phallophobia……….fear of a penis, especially erect.

 

Pharmacophobia……….fear of taking medicine.

 

Phasmophobia……….fear of ghosts.

 

Phengophobia……….fear of daylight or sunshine.

 

Philemaphobia or Philematophobia……….fear of kissing.

 

Philophobia……….fear of falling in love or being in love.

 

Philosophobia……….fear of philosophy.

 

Phobophobia……….fear of phobias.

 

Photoaugliaphobia……….fear of glaring lights.

 

Photophobia……….fear of light.

 

Phonophobia……….fear of noises or voices or one’s own voice; of telephones.

 

Phronemophobia……….fear of thinking.

 

Phthiriophobia……….fear of lice. (Pediculophobia)

 

Phthisiophobia……….fear of tuberculosis.

 

Placophobia……….fear of tombstones.

 

Plutophobia……….fear of wealth.

 

Pluviophobia……….fear of rain or of being rained on.

 

Pneumatiphobia……….fear of spirits.

 

Pnigophobia or Pnigerophobia……….fear of choking of being smothered.

 

Pocrescophobia……….fear of gaining weight. (Obesophobia)

 

Podophobia……….fear of feet.

 

Pogonophobia……….fear of beards.

 

Poliosophobia……….fear of contracting poliomyelitis.

 

Politicophobia……….fear or abnormal dislike of politicians.

 

Polyphobia……….fear of many things.

 

Poinephobia……….fear of punishment.

 

Ponophobia……….fear of overworking or of pain.

 

Porphyrophobia……….fear of the color purple.

 

Potamophobia……….fear of rivers or running water.

 

Potophobia……….fear of alcohol.

 

Pharmacophobia……….fear of drugs.

 

Proctophobia……….fear of rectums.

 

Prosophobia……….fear of progress.

 

P-P-P-P-P-Psellismophobia……….fear of stuttering.

 

Psychophobia……….fear of mind.

 

Psychrophobia……….fear of cold.

 

Pteridophobia……….morbid fear of fearns.

 

Pteromerhanophobia……….fear of flying.

 

Pteronophobia……….fear of being tickled by feathers.

 

Pupaphobia ……….fear of puppets.

 

Pyrexiophobia……….fear of fever.

 

Pyrophobia……….fear of fire.

 

. 

How are you after all that? Are you developing symptoms or are you feeling good?

.

 

.

=================

.

Unexpected Answers From Minds That Don’t Quite Work As Intended – Yes, Quiz Show Monday

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”
. 

Yes, another Monday and time for more of those unexpected answers from minds that don’t quite work as intended – even by their owners!

.

.

Q: Name something that you wanted to do as a kid, but your parents wouldn’t let you

A: Have a snake

.

.

Q: An occupation in which people cover their faces

A: Model

.

.

Q: Name a food used to describe a person

A: A dog

.

.

Q: Name a food you wish was healthy for you

A: Ketchup

.

.

Q: The bad habit you’d most like to get rid of

A: Picking nose

.

.

Q: An expression that means “getting married”

A: Rendezvous

.

.

Q: Name a high school class people might actually enjoy going to

A: Beverly Hills

.

.

Q: Name a food that comes smoked

A: Tobacco

.

.

Q: Name something a bricklayer uses

A: Spatula

.

.

Q: Name a slang word for “man”

A: Homeboy

.

.

Q: Name a famous Biblical twosome

A: Ralph and Susie

.

.

Q: Name something you’d find in an operating room

A: Operator

.

.

Q: How many times per day you look in the mirror

A: Twenty

.

.

Q: Name a character from a horror movie that reminds you of some of your dates

A: Loch Ness Monster
A: Incredible Hulk

.

.

Q: Name a food that can be brown or white

A: Potatoes

.

.

Q: Name a day of the year when you want to be with friends

A: December

.

.

Q: Name a gift that might be insulting if a woman received it from her mother-in-law

A: Shoes

.

.

Q: Name a tall tourist attraction

A: Disneyland

.

.

Q: Your wife’s most unappealing habit (asked to 100 married men)

A: Picking her feet

picking feet – most unappealing habit

.

.

=====================================

.

‘A Sad Ray Gun, Man’

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

. 

‘A Sad Ray Gun, Man’

Did you get it?

Yes. its ‘Anagram Sunday’.

Enjoy.

.

.

‘rescued’

secured

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

‘mother-in-law’

woman hitler

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

‘David Letterman’

nerd amid late tv

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

‘snooze alarms’

alas no more z’s

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

‘To cast pearls before swine’

One’s labor is perfect waste

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

‘Vacation Times’

I’m Not as Active

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

‘The Hilton’

Hint: Hotel

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

‘Payment received’

Every cent paid me

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

‘Postmaster’

Stamp Store

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

‘School master’

The classroom

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

‘The Hurricanes’

These churn air

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

‘Waitress’

A stew, Sir?

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

‘certainly not’

can’t rely on it

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

‘Emperor Octavian’

Captain over Rome

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

‘a perfectionist’

I often practice

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

‘A shoplifter’

has to pilfer

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

‘asteroid threats’

disaster to earth

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

‘Breasts’

Bra sets

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

‘Contradiction’

Accord not in it

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

‘I think therefore I am’

I fear to think I’m here

 

===========================

It’s Quiz Show Answers Monday

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 .

Yet again we plumb the depths of human stupidity. Yes, it’s Monday and time for more quiz show answers.

Enjoy!

 

 

Q: Name something you bang when it’s not working right           

A: Wall

 

 

Q: Name something you might accidentally leave on all night     

A: Shoes

 

 

Q: Name a famous pig 

A: My mother-in-law

 

 

Q: Name a place you dab perfume on   

A: Tip of tongue

 

 

Q: Name a subject elderly people spend a lot of time discussing           

A: Bingo

 

 

Q: Name a famous group of singers     

A: The Simpsons

 

 

Q: Name a food dieters have dreams about at night       

A: Losing weight

 

 

Q: Name a place where you might see a whole lot of shaking going on   

A: The malted milk factory

 

 

Q: Name a country Americans admire    

A: Europe

 

 

Q: Name a brand of gasoline    

A: Regular

A: Unleaded

A: Ethyl           

 

 

Q: Name a country known for its beautiful beaches        

A: Hawaii

 

 

Q: Name a word or phrase you hear in a tennis game     

A: “Fore”

 

 

Q: Name something books tell you that you can do in 30 days or less    

A: Make a baby

 

 

Q: Name something you wear for protection      

A: Gun 

 

 

Q: Name a famous person named Carey (Carrie, Carrey, etc.)     

A: Carey Bradshaw

 

 

Q: Name something people peek through          

A: Down a lady’s blouse

 

 

Q: Name a Scandinavian country           

A: Australia

 

 

Q: Name a city with a reputation as the sin capital of the world   

A: Sodom

 

 

Q: Name a U.S. President that would look good in a Speedo     

A: Harry S. Truman

 

 

Q: One of the three bears         

A: Yogi

 

 

Q: Name a famous Hogan        

A: The Hogan   

 

====================================