Old Professors Never Die. They Just Lose Their Faculties.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I probably should have said that they lose their faculties and end up as a pun.

In case you haven’t guessed it yet, today is another Pun Day.

So….

Enjoy or endure!

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I call my house Lautrec

because it’s got two loos.

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Beauty is in the eye

of the beerholder.

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The UN. Bringing us all together

by ending conflicts around the world.

Peace by Peace.

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Turns out my ex girlfriend Big Amy

had a secret husband.

If only there had been some clue.

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Lawyers are like rhinoceroses:

thick-skinned, short-sighted

and always ready to charge.

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Hey girls,

get yourself a Fisherman,

they’re reel men.

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How did I escape Iraq?

Iran

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My Dermatological Clinic

just wished me Merry Eczemas.

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My wife suggested I go for

acupuncture treatment to cure me

from making annoying timber puns.

I can’t see why that woodwork.

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Let me correct you –

the London Underground

is not a political movement.

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It’s ironic that discus isn’t a sport

that many people talk about.

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The Lawn Tennis Association’s website

has a fault they are having

problems with their server.

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Many Americans oppose any change

to The Second Amendment of the

United States Constitution.

They’re really sticking to their guns.

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I ordered a whole duck at the

Chinese restaurant last night!

It was great until I got to the bill.

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Last night I dreamt I was

writing ‘Lord of the Rings’.

Turns out I was Tolkien in my sleep.

 

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Apparently 5/3rds Of People Can’t Do Fractions.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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5/3rds? That’s almost half, isn’t it?

But never mind all that, today isn’t about mathematics, it’s about puns.

Enjoy or endure!

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Recently got myself a symphony orchestra but for some reason

all they eat is lemons and strawberry shortcake.

They’re called the Bittersweet Symphony.

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My brother just got his exam results

for his Double Equine Studies.

He got a G G.

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My friend’s wife started her job on a cruise ship last week.

I asked him, “How is she getting on?”

He replied, “I’m not sure, I think they use a crane.”

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Did you hear about the two clams

who went out on a cheap date?

They were just being shellfish.

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Two geologists were staring

at a huge fissure in a cliff face

and one was overheard to say

‘It’s not my fault’.

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I once tried telling a joke about bad postmen,

the delivery was all wrong.

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When an actress saw her first strands of

gray hair she thought she’d dye.

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Paddy took two stuffed dogs he had

on to the Antiques Road Show

“Ooooh,” says the presenter.

“This is a very rare breed.”

“Do you have any idea what they’d fetch

if they were in good condition?”

“I dunno.” says Paddy.

“Sticks?”

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My doctor reckons I’m paranoid.

He didn’t say it,

but I know he’s thinking it.

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An elderly man with Alzheimer’s walks into a bar

and sees a rather tasty elderly woman.

He walks over and sits beside her and says,

“Do I come here often?”

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It’s really difficult to find what you want on eBay.

I was searching for cigarette lighters

and found over 15,000 matches.

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Scientist:

“My findings are pointless when taken out of context.”

Media:

“Scientist claims ‘findings are pointless’.”

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My friend was sacked yesterday

for sexual harassment.

No one understands why,

he was always hard at work.

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My friend just told me he saw a midget climbing

over the wall of the prison on a bed sheet.

I told him he was a little con descending.

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So the young teenage girl says to her mother,

“I think I’m pregnant.”

“What?” exclaims the mother.

“But we had a talk about this.”

“I told you if a boy touches your breast you are to say ‘STOP’

and if he tries to touch you down there your are to say ‘DON’T’.”

“But Mom,” the girl replies.

“He touched them both at the same time.”

“And I shouted ‘DON’T’  ‘STOP’.”

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