I’ve Always Found That The Letter ‘N’ Divides Opinion

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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There’s no getting away from it, the letter ‘n’ does divide opinion.

And so too does that little word play device called the Pun.

For those who like them and for those who like to hate them here is another selection.

Enjoy or Endure!

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rofl

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Getting a job repairing revolving doors

was a real turning point in my life.

Revolving door overhaul and repair

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I have a friend who is ambidextrous illiterate…

He can’t write anything with both hands.

illiterate

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My wife asked me “Would you say that I was likeable?”

I said “No love, bulls are male. You’re like a cow.”

 

cow

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What is Stephen Hawking’s favourite cream?

sQWERTY.

Stephen Hawking keyboard

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I’ve never asked a rhetorical question.

How cool is that?

RhetoricalQuestionsOnly

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I once got asked to do a sketch of

an old gameshow host dressed up as a Charlies Angel.

I drew Barrymore.

drew Barrymore

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There’s a gang going through our town,

systematically shoplifting clothes in size order…

The police believe they’re still at large.

clothes in size order

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I know a guy who has one eye bigger than the other.

His name is Iain.

forest-whitaker-one eye bigger than the other

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A recent study proved that I shouldn’t try

to add unnecessary rooms to my house.

study-room-design-ideas

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There is a remote tribe

that worships the number Zero.

Is nothing sacred?

number Zero

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What cheese do you use

to disguise horse meat?

Mascarpone.

Mascarpone

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Yesterday, a Lumberjack slipped

and cut into his leg with a chainsaw.

He lost a lot of blood, but although

they managed to stem the flow,

paramedics say he is still not out of the woods yet.

Lumberjacks

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I’m not afraid of flying.

I am, however, afraid of being 35,000 feet

in the air and suddenly “not” flying.

fear-of-flying

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I don’t know what the fascination is with strip clubs.

It’s just the same old thong and dance.

thong and dance

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Elton John has got so fat recently, he is having

to have his trousers specially made for him,

He’s had to say goodbye normal jeans…

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Today It’s The Fasab Monday Quiz.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Welcome to the start of another week and to another quiz.

Quite a tough selection this time, I think, but if you enjoy a challenge give them a go.

No point if they were all too easy 🙂

As always if you get stuck you can find the answers waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but please NO cheating!

Enjoy and good luck.

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quiz7

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Q.  1:  Which is farther south, New York City or Rome, Italy?

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Q.  2:  What is the ball on top of a flagpole called?

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Q.  3:  Which are there more of in the United States of America, public libraries or McDonald’s fast food outlets?

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Q.  4:  Apart from wanting to be US President what did all three major 1996 Presidential candidates, Clinton, Dole and Perot, have in common.

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Q.  5:  Where was chocolate milk was invented?

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Q.  6:  If you’re in Detroit and you walk south, what is the first country you’ll enter?

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Q.  7:  Where did the ever popular trousers called ‘Jeans’ get their name?

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Q.  8:  And what was the origin of ‘Denim’ the material that jeans are made from?

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Q.  9:  What is the most filmed story of all time? (Bonus points if you can name second and third aswell.)

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Q. 10:  When ocean tides are at their highest, they are called ‘spring tides’. What are they called when they are at their lowest?

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Q. 11:  Which of these kills the most humans on average every year?

            a) crocodiles          b) hippopotamus            c) mosquitos            d) tigers

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Q. 12:  What do you call a scholar who studies the works of the Marquis de Sade?

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Q. 13:  What are ‘second unit’ movie shots?

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Q. 14:  Which well known American writer was born on a day in 1835 when Haley’s Comet came into view and died on a day in 1910 when Haley’s Comet came into view again? (Will accept either his real name or pen name, a bonus point if you know both.)

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Q. 15:  Which of these is the oldest?

            a) The Aztec Empire          b) The Inca Empire          c) Cambridge University

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Q. 16:  What is the only state of the USA whose name is just one syllable? (Hint: the answer is not California.)

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Q. 17:  You’ve seen it many times and on lots of things, but what does the name ‘NABISCO’ mean?

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Q. 18:  Which side of a woman’s blouse are the buttons on?

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Q. 19:  He was a Spanish hero who, before he was 20, led a Spanish force against the Moors and drove them out of Spain. He is celebrated in poem and romance. Who was he?

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Q. 20:  In 1972 who didn’t want Ruby to take her love to town?

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  Which is farther south, New York City or Rome, Italy?

A.  1:  New York City is further south than Rome, Italy.

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Q.  2:  What is the ball on top of a flagpole called?

A.  2:  The ball on top of a flagpole is called the truck.

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Q.  3:  Which are there more of in the United States of America, public libraries or McDonald’s fast food outlets?

A.  3:  There are more public libraries than McDonald’s in the U.S.

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Q.  4:  Apart from wanting to be US President what did all three major 1996 Presidential candidates, Clinton, Dole and Perot, have in common.

A.  4:  All three major 1996 Presidential candidates, Clinton, Dole and Perot, are left-handed.

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Q.  5:  Where was chocolate milk was invented?

A.  5:  Chocolate milk was invented in Ireland.

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Q.  6:  If you’re in Detroit and you walk south, what is the first country you’ll enter?

A.  6:  Understandable if you said Mexico, but If you’re in Detroit and you walk south, the first country you’ll enter will be Canada.

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Q.  7:  Where did the ever popular trousers called ‘Jeans’ get their name?

A.  7:  ‘Jeans’ were named after their place of origin, Genoa, Italy.

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Q.  8:  And what was the origin of ‘Denim’ the material that jeans are made from?

A.  8:  ‘Denim’ also takes its name from its place of origin, Nimes, in France. It was originally called ‘serge de Nimes’ or ‘fabric from Nimes’. The ‘serge’ soon disappeared and left us with ‘de Nimes’ or ‘denim’.

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Q.  9:  What is the most filmed story of all time? (Bonus points if you can name second and third aswell.)

A.  9:  Dracula is the most filmed story of all time, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is second and Oliver Twist is third.

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Q. 10:  When ocean tides are at their highest, they are called ‘spring tides’. What are they called when they are at their lowest?

A. 10:  When ocean tides are at their lowest, they are call ‘neep tides’.

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Q. 11:  Which of these kills the most humans on average every year?

            a) crocodiles          b) hippopotamus            c) mosquitos            d) tigers

A. 11:  The correct answer is c) Mosquitos. They kill as many as 1,000,000 people per year from Malaria. Although it appears quite docile, the Hippopotamus is considered the most dangerous animal in Africa, killing 3,000 people per year. Crocodiles kill between 1500 and 2500 people per year. And Tigers are estimated to kill around 100 humans per year.

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Q. 12:  What do you call a scholar who studies the works of the Marquis de Sade?

A. 12:  A scholar who studies the works of the Marquis de Sade is called a ‘Sadian’, not a ‘Sadist’.

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Q. 13:  What are ‘second unit’ movie shots?

A. 13:  ‘Second unit’ movie shots do not require the presence of actors.

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Q. 14:  Which well known American writer was born on a day in 1835 when Haley’s Comet came into view and died on a day in 1910 when Haley’s Comet came into view again? (Will accept either his real name or pen name, a bonus point if you know both.)

A. 14:  Samuel Clemens aka Mark Twain was born on a day in 1835 when Haley’s Comet came into view and died on a day in 1910 when Haley’s Comet came into view again.

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Q. 15:  Which of these is the oldest?

            a) The Aztec Empire          b) The Inca Empire          c) Cambridge University

A. 15:  The correct answer is c) Cambridge University in England is older than both the Aztec and Inca empires.

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Q. 16:  What is the only state of the USA whose name is just one syllable? (Hint: the answer is not California.)

A. 16:  Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

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Q. 17:  You’ve seen it many times and on lots of things, but what does the name ‘NABISCO’ mean?

A. 17:  ‘NABISCO’ simply means NAtional BIScuit COmpany.

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Q. 18:  Which side of a woman’s blouse are the buttons on?

A. 18:  The left.

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Q. 19:  He was a Spanish hero who, before he was 20, led a Spanish force against the Moors and drove them out of Spain. He is celebrated in poem and romance. Who was he?

A. 19:  El Cid.

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Q. 20:  In 1972 who didn’t want Ruby to take her love to town?

A. 20:  Kenny Rogers. Here it is….

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I’ve Never Understood Decimals – What’s The Point?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I may be having difficulty understanding the point of decimals, but I understand the point of a good pun or two.

Hope you do too.

Here is the latest word play selection for you enjoyment.

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I just found a note that says “Dial-a-Party” and a phone number.

I believe this calls for a celebration.

phone

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Went to a 70’s disco the other night.

Bought all sorts of cool gear too; platform boots,

brightly coloured flares, an afro wig…

But in retro specs I looked a twat.

mens-1970s-fashion

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Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma.

There’s no menu, they just give you what you deserve.

Karma - restaurant

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I’m an avid campaigner for the preservation of endangered animals.

You should taste my panda jam.

wwf-panda-logo

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My friend’s always boasting how he once had to

shuffle 52 packs of cards and

then distribute them equally between 4 people.

Big deal.

dealing_cards_wapday-com

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You know who I can’t stand?

Intolerant people.

Bastards!

intolerance

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I had some time to kill yesterday.

So I went round to the mother-in-law’s.

cartoon-mother-in-law-card-by-leahg1

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One by one, all of my best friends have started

to become interested in men as well as women.

So I’m just sitting here, watching the world go bi.

darkow bi-ball

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My wife has just texted me asking me to ‘do her’ tonight.

I’m not looking forward to it, I’m useless at impressions.

first-impressions-cartoon-2

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I was taking the freeway out of LA the other day

when the cops pulled me over and said:

‘Put it back’.

freeway

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Guy #1:  “I call my girlfriend ‘Miss Universe’.”

Guy #2:  “Is it because she’s so beautiful?”

Guy #1:  “No it’s ’cause she’s constantly expanding, the fat cow!” 

scared-cat-cartoon-kitty-frightened-of-fat-lady-from-behind

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I used to keep poking myself in my eyes,

but don’t worry,

I can’t see myself doing it again.

poking

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Archaeologists have just discovered

an ancient Egyptian ruler embalmed in chocolate.

Apparently it was Pharaoh Rocher.

choc body

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My tailor has stitched the bottom

of my trousers the wrong way around.

Meh.

fashion681

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I pulled a cracker last Christmas.

There’s a joke in there somewhere.

christmas-crackers-and-decoration

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Can anybody tell me where Jeopardy is?

Apparently there’s 1000s of jobs there.

Jeopardy Logo

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My teacher handed me a blank piece of white paper.

“Make a paper plane,” she said.

“It already is,” I said.

blank paper

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My opinion on fishmongers?

Selfish.

fishmonger

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My friend just showed me a picture of his new girlfriend,

who he says is from Eastern Europe.

I looked at the picture and said

‘she looks nothing like a frog.’

‘What are you on about?’ He said.

‘I told you she’s a Tad-Polish.’

frog-tadpoles

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I think my mum is going senile.

I just told her that my girlfriend is pregnant with my daughter.

She asked me, “Do you have a name?”

I said, “I’ve always had a name, for goodness sake, it’s me, David.”

mother_here_phone

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