If It Wasn’t For Blinds It Would Be Curtains For All Of Us.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Thankfully it isn’t curtains for Pun Day either.

Here is another selection for you to….

Enjoy or endure!

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I bought a herb plant today.

It’s in great condition.

It’s mint.

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I missed my miniature Indian musical

instrument practice last night.

I couldn’t find a baby sitar.

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Q.S.V.X.X.

The National Society

of Bad Abbreviators.

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I can’t seem to get on the Lilt website.

It keeps saying it’s refreshing!

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I went to the doctor’s today.

He said, “You’re dying.”

I said, “How do you know?”

He said, “Your eyebrows are a different color.”

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Have you ever wondered what

happened to the first Timbuk?

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Saw a man this morning wheel spinning in the snow

not really getting anywhere. He was furious.

Shouting, swearing, going absolutely mental.

He needs to get a grip, I thought to myself.

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I was almost late for my Cocaine Awareness lecture.

Talk about cutting it fine.

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Know who I blame for the rise of drugs in schools?

The supply teachers.

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Nine of my mum’s sisters have been standing

outside the Church all night holding candles.

You can’t beat vigil aunties.

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I’ve just bought a new sub-zero refrigerator.

How cool is that?

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I went to an Italian restaurant

and they had spaghetti on the menu.

So I had to call the waiter to wipe it off.

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I never apologize.

I’m sorry,

but that’s just the way I am.

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My therapist isn’t being very supportive

because she thinks I’m never going to be able

to stop exposing myself to women.

Well I’ll show her.

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My boss asked me to find him a bulldog clip today.

So I emailed him a YouTube video of one riding a skateboard.

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E-mail Is Post, Modern.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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E-mail is post, modern – get it?

Yes, it’s pun day again.

Enjoy!

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The poet had written better poems,

but he’d also written verse.

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Those who get too big for their britches

will be exposed in the end.

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“This must be an aerobics class!”

the blonde worked out at the gym.

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When the doctor told him he was missing 

a left ventricle and a left aorta 

the patient laughed half-heartedly.

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I’ve got some good advice for the camera shy.

Use coconuts instead.

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I like European food so I decided to Russia over there

because I was Hungary. After Czech’ing the menu

I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished

I told the waiter, Spain good,

but there is Norway I could eat another bite

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Those who study the moon are optimists

– they look at the bright side.

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To learn rope tricks you have to be taut.

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You know, vultures can make really good comedy actors.

I really loved them in those old “Carrion” movies.

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When a skunk walked in, the judge said,

‘odor in the court’.

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How does it change many dyslexics to take a light-bulb?

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I had an accident in chemistry class yesterday

when I spilled some sodium chloride

and sulphuric acid over myself.

It was terrible.

I didn’t know how to react.

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I’ve just gone into the bedroom

and someone’s stolen my bed.

Honestly.

I’m not lying.

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My friends tell me that I’m terrible at telling jokes.

I always punch up the mess line.

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The phone rings, and the wife answers it.

A pervert, with heavy breathing, says,

“I bet you have a tight ass with no hair.”

Woman replies, “Yes, he’s watching TV – who shall I say is calling?”

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I’ve Never Understood Decimals – What’s The Point?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I may be having difficulty understanding the point of decimals, but I understand the point of a good pun or two.

Hope you do too.

Here is the latest word play selection for you enjoyment.

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I just found a note that says “Dial-a-Party” and a phone number.

I believe this calls for a celebration.

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Went to a 70’s disco the other night.

Bought all sorts of cool gear too; platform boots,

brightly coloured flares, an afro wig…

But in retro specs I looked a twat.

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Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma.

There’s no menu, they just give you what you deserve.

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I’m an avid campaigner for the preservation of endangered animals.

You should taste my panda jam.

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My friend’s always boasting how he once had to

shuffle 52 packs of cards and

then distribute them equally between 4 people.

Big deal.

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You know who I can’t stand?

Intolerant people.

Bastards!

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I had some time to kill yesterday.

So I went round to the mother-in-law’s.

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One by one, all of my best friends have started

to become interested in men as well as women.

So I’m just sitting here, watching the world go bi.

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My wife has just texted me asking me to ‘do her’ tonight.

I’m not looking forward to it, I’m useless at impressions.

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I was taking the freeway out of LA the other day

when the cops pulled me over and said:

‘Put it back’.

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Guy #1:  “I call my girlfriend ‘Miss Universe’.”

Guy #2:  “Is it because she’s so beautiful?”

Guy #1:  “No it’s ’cause she’s constantly expanding, the fat cow!” 

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I used to keep poking myself in my eyes,

but don’t worry,

I can’t see myself doing it again.

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Archaeologists have just discovered

an ancient Egyptian ruler embalmed in chocolate.

Apparently it was Pharaoh Rocher.

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My tailor has stitched the bottom

of my trousers the wrong way around.

Meh.

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I pulled a cracker last Christmas.

There’s a joke in there somewhere.

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Can anybody tell me where Jeopardy is?

Apparently there’s 1000s of jobs there.

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My teacher handed me a blank piece of white paper.

“Make a paper plane,” she said.

“It already is,” I said.

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My opinion on fishmongers?

Selfish.

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My friend just showed me a picture of his new girlfriend,

who he says is from Eastern Europe.

I looked at the picture and said

‘she looks nothing like a frog.’

‘What are you on about?’ He said.

‘I told you she’s a Tad-Polish.’

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I think my mum is going senile.

I just told her that my girlfriend is pregnant with my daughter.

She asked me, “Do you have a name?”

I said, “I’ve always had a name, for goodness sake, it’s me, David.”

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CLASSIFIED: For Your Eyes Only, Part Nineteen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Classified ads day. 

Time to present another selection of classified ads that should be classified as something else.

Enjoy.

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