Ivory hunters, tsk tsk.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Tsk, tsk indeed. What a terrible thing to do.

But what is also terrible, and the more terrible the better it seems, are puns.

It’s word play day.

Enjoy or endure!!!

.

.

When it comes to making money,

I’ve got to hand it to my wife.

All of it.

.

.

Apprehended:

The new App that reminds

you your hen is dead.

.

.

I had an argument with my neighbor

about my trees growing over his fence.

When I extended the olive branch

it only made matters worse.

.

.

I went into a bar and said to the guy serving,

‘How much is a pint of lager?’

He replied,

‘Five hundred and sixty-eight millilitres.’

.

.

My identical twin was hit by a bus last year.

He’s not been the same since.

.

.

I got lost on my first day of college,

which is when I met my wife.

She was lost too, and neither I nor she knew

what class we were supposed to be in.

And as I stared into her eyes,

I knew that we had chemistry.

.

.

I brewed 5 gallons of homebrew.

It was pretty weak so my friend offered me ten bucks 

if I could drink the lot in one session…

I was going to accept, but in the end I bottled it.

.

.

I live for my alarm clock collection,

it’s the only reason I get up in the morning.

.

.

I just fired my limousine driver.

I don’t know why,

because I have nothing to chauffeur it.

.

.

Just had lunch at an excellent Christian restaurant

called “The Lord Giveth”.

They also do takeaways.

.

.

My wife was preparing lunch today when she asked,

“Sweetheart, where’s the cheese grater?”

“Some would say France, others would say England,” I replied.

.

.

I bought some really odd shaped eggs

but now i can’t find them.

I think they’ve been mislaid.

.

.

Me and my girl plan to recreate every position

from the Kama Sutra tonight using only Lego bricks.

The excitement is building.

.

.

I asked my son what his sexuality was.

He replied ”bi”.

Ironically, his answer forced me

to say the exact same thing.

.

.

Eminem goes to check the weather

It’s rainy and gray outside

He goes back to watch TV

Checks weather back in 10 minutes

Still shady

.

.

=========================================

.

Golf: Putting The Putting Into Putting!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

As if you didn’t know from the title – it’s pun day again!

More word play jokes to be enjoyed or endured depending on your taste.

Try them out.

And enjoy!

.

.

My wife and I were happy for 25 years.

Then we met.

.

.

I went for an audition the other day.

They were casting 13 people to be clouds.

14 showed up.

It was overcast.

.

.

Billy: “Did you that movie yesterday where

the actress that was stabbed by a psycho?

Reese…what’s her name?”

Tommy: “Witherspoon?”

Billy: “No with a knife.”

.

.

Have you ever had an accident at work?

Yes, my secretary is pregnant.

.

.

Rats are under rated.

Just check your dictionary.

.

.

I woke up this morning and there was a bloke stealing my gate.

I didn’t want to say anything in case he took a fence.

.

.

The fattest man in Britain has recently relocated

from Bath to Poole as he ‘needs more living space’.

.

.

Some terms are really misleading.

I went into the changing room several times.

It was still the same.

.

.

I used to feed gorillas at the Zoo from a distance using a golf club.

I’d drive them bananas.

.

.

I was asked to describe my life in a nut shell.

“Very dark and cramped,” I replied.

.

.

I lost my watch earlier.

I would have looked for it but I didn’t have the time.

.

.

My friend Daniel wouldn’t believe me when

I told him that his name was an anagram.

He’s in denial.

.

.

I was going to start taking self defense lessons

but I decided on a math class instead.

I’m a firm believer there’s safety in numbers.

.

.

I saw a billboard on the way to work this

morning that read “Future Events.”

Well, that’s a sign of things to come.

.

.

A Zulu walking through the jungle comes across a pygmy standing over a dead lion.

“Did you kill that lion?” asks the Zulu.

“Yeah, I beat it to death with my club,” the pygmy replies.

“Wow, you must have a big club,” says the Zulu.

“Yes,” replies the pygmy. “There’s about thirty of us.” 

.

======================================

.