I’m Back …….Well Nearly

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Hi folks. Hope you are all keeping well. I’ve missed you. Hope you can say the same.

I’m back, sort of. I had a sudden enforced blogging break thrust upon me when I received an SOS from a good friend of mine. His company was in need of help.

I thought at the time that it would be a two week job at most, but when he said he was in trouble he wasn’t kidding. We’re still not done, but at least now things are looking a little bit better.

I’m in “Yurp” right now, watching the refugees take over. More of that in a future post perhaps. In the meantime take Trump’s advice a close your borders or you’ll end up like this place.

I could have done some blogging when I was travelling around, I certainly had plenty of time at airports, in between flights and wading through the dumbest security checks you could imagine, but I wanted to take a bit of time to prepare my next post. Hopefuly I’ll get to it next week.

Meantime, if you can believe WP stats, this blog has whizzed through the 200,000 views landmark without me and there are actually MORE daily hits now than when I was blogging almost every day.

Do you think the world is trying to tell me something?

Maybe I should stay away?

Actually I don’t know whether to be pleased that I have created something with a life of it’s own or dismayed that I’m not really needed.

Now in an effort to get some of my dignity back I think I will indulge in a quick gloat.

This is not going to be pretty so feel free to skip over this bit if you haven’t got a strong stomach.

I’m having a laugh at the stupidty of the Fed again and the dumb financial journalists and fund managers who hang on their every word despite a mountain of evidence that should lead them to do otherwise.

The Fed has wimped out AGAIN. Lost their nerve. Promised and hinted and leaked stories to the financial press for months that an interest rate rise was imminent – and then they bottled out.

No surprise to me. At the beginning of May I wrote a post explaining why they wouldn’t put up interests despite all the pifle they were saying. (if you want to read it  click here.)

Then in mid-June I did another one ( click here for that one), saying there was no way the Fed could make good on their threats to raise the rate in September.

Of course nobody listened and the meeting on Thursday was one of the most anticipated Fed meetings of all time. And it all came to nothing. No interest rate hike.

And I don’t think they’ll do it next time either. There’s talk about December, but as far as I see the Fed’s hands are tied and rates are going to remain at zero or close to it for years.

Good news for borrowers. Not so good for savers with all the traditional yield opportunities such as bonds, Treasuries and bank CDs offering little or no returns. If you have cash to invest you should be looking at solid low risk undervalued stocks with a decent dividend. Otherwise your savings will be eroded by inflation for at least another year, proably longer.

Having said that, no rate hike is on balance good for the economy as a whole.

That will do for the gloating for now. Not sure when the next post will be exactly. Hopefully next week so if you’re interested keep a look out for that.

Meantime warmest regards to everyone who visits – even when I’m not around.

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Cashiers Are Always Checking Me Out.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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And now it’s time for you to check out this week’s selection of word plays.

Yes, it’s Pun Day.

Enjoy or endure!

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If you believe binoculars are overrated

then look no further.

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I hate it when I run out of Staples.

So do their security guards. 

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Dying cats pink, what’s next?

A Navy Seal?

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I spent most of last night in jail.

Try as I might, I just couldn’t roll a double.

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I missed my bus this morning.

I really shouldn’t get so sentimental about public transport.

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I’ve been asked out by a number of sexy women this week.

That number is sadly zero.

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A young man called directory assistance.

“Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number

for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona.”

“There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix,”

the operator replied. “Do you have a street name?”

The young man hesitated, and then said,

“Well, most people call me E Z.” 

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When James Bond is out of his home country

of England, is he known as +44 07?

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I saw a sign in a shop- ‘Mosquito nets £10’

I didn’t even know bugs could play the lottery.

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I told my mate that, in order to get laid,

I’d promised my girlfriend that

I’d marry her in the summer.

He said, “July?”

I said, “Of course I did.”

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I once went out with a girl with

fiery red hair and a pale thin body.

I met her on Match.com

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I fell asleep whilst rafting the other day.

I just drifted off.

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My wife has rather annoyingly replaced all

the lightbulbs in the house with energy efficient ones.

I’ll never see her in the same light again.

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It was my anniversary last week.

My girlfriend asked me if I wanted

oral sex or a new pair of shoes…

I went head over heels. 

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I’ve just watched a fantastic

movie with a twist at the end…

Oliver.

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I’ve Always Found That The Letter ‘N’ Divides Opinion

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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There’s no getting away from it, the letter ‘n’ does divide opinion.

And so too does that little word play device called the Pun.

For those who like them and for those who like to hate them here is another selection.

Enjoy or Endure!

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Getting a job repairing revolving doors

was a real turning point in my life.

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I have a friend who is ambidextrous illiterate…

He can’t write anything with both hands.

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My wife asked me “Would you say that I was likeable?”

I said “No love, bulls are male. You’re like a cow.”

 

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What is Stephen Hawking’s favourite cream?

sQWERTY.

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I’ve never asked a rhetorical question.

How cool is that?

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I once got asked to do a sketch of

an old gameshow host dressed up as a Charlies Angel.

I drew Barrymore.

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There’s a gang going through our town,

systematically shoplifting clothes in size order…

The police believe they’re still at large.

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I know a guy who has one eye bigger than the other.

His name is Iain.

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A recent study proved that I shouldn’t try

to add unnecessary rooms to my house.

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There is a remote tribe

that worships the number Zero.

Is nothing sacred?

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What cheese do you use

to disguise horse meat?

Mascarpone.

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Yesterday, a Lumberjack slipped

and cut into his leg with a chainsaw.

He lost a lot of blood, but although

they managed to stem the flow,

paramedics say he is still not out of the woods yet.

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I’m not afraid of flying.

I am, however, afraid of being 35,000 feet

in the air and suddenly “not” flying.

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I don’t know what the fascination is with strip clubs.

It’s just the same old thong and dance.

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Elton John has got so fat recently, he is having

to have his trousers specially made for him,

He’s had to say goodbye normal jeans…

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None. That’s Ninguno, Aucun, Keiner, Zero!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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In the summer in Farnborough in Hampshire, England one of the biggest events in the aviation industry takes place. It’s call the Farnborough Air Show.

I remember when I used to work in that industry helping to prepare invitations, information packs, and all the usual PR stuff. Farnborough is THE place to meet and greet both those who buy aircraft and those firms like Boeing and AIrbus who build them and provide tens of thousands of jobs for smaller companies.

So it is an important event.

At this year’s show they named the world’s best airline, in fact they named the top ten best airlines.

And despite the United States building some of the best airplanes in the world, and despite the United States having some of the world’s largest and busiest airlines, do you know how many United States airlines made it into the top ten?

The title of this post probably gave it away. The answer is….

None. That’s ninguno, aucun, keiner, zero!

Even the regional category for North America was won by Air Canada.

Apparently, not only are air travelers in America to be treated as potential terrorists, herded and prodded and scanned and humiliated when they are trying to get on to an airplane. But when they do, the comfort and service they can expect will be second rate.

I think that’s a disgrace. America should be leading the world in the standard of their airlines. They should be at least one, if not more, of the top ten list every year offering a consistently high standard that their customers (that’s you and me) deserve.

And this award is decided by the votes of millions of travelers, so customers’ opinions do count.

So time for United States airlines to ditch those bureaucratic bean counters who decide that they can squeeze just another row of seats into an airplane so that everyone is uncomfortable. In the long term this kind of thinking doesn’t save you money, it loses you money. And when your customers vote for the best airline, they don’t vote for you!

For those of you who are interested, this year’s best airline was the Hong Kong based Cathay Pacific. They were voted best performer across all types of travel, economy, and luxury.

Cathay Pacific World’s Best Airline 2014

Qatar Airways and Singapore Airlines placed second and third respectively in the global category, with last year’s winner, Emirates, slipping to fourth. Fifth to tenth places went to Turkish Airlines, ANA All Nippon Airways, Garuda Indonesia, Asiana Airlines, Etihad Airways and Lufthansa respectively.

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Apparently Towels Are The Biggest Cause Of Dry Skin.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I couldn’t make my mind for a while whether that title was a pun or a fabulous fact.

But it’s Pun Day, so a play on words it is.

Enjoy or endure!

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My uncle works for a company

that makes bicycle wheels.

He’s the Spokesman.

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Police, “You’re under arrest for trespassing.”

Me, “On what grounds?”

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I know a guy who in his spare time likes to dress up as a knight,

and jump over 20 parked cars on a horse.

I call him Medieval Knievel.

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Having fake teeth.

That’ll denture confidence

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I actually tried plane sailing the other day….

It’s not as easy as it’s made out to be.

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Why do elephants have big ears?

Because Noddy wouldn’t pay the ransom.

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My wife always gets annoyed when I leave her out.

Especially if it’s raining.

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Arkansas is just Kansas with pirates.

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Once when I was in Chicago I did 35 press-ups in a row…

The elevator attendant looked pretty annoyed.

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I’ve spent my entire life researching the multiples of zero,

my career has amounted to nothing. 

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I asked my friend the other day, “Where’s your mum from?”

He replied, “Alaska.”

I said, “Don’t worry, I’ll ask her myself.”

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I saw a man with a trolley

full of horseshoes and rabbits’ feet earlier,

trying to get it up a hill.

I thought, “He’s pushing his luck.”

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Some people say it’s sick and perverted to be a flasher.

I think it shows a lot of balls.

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A Zen master once said to me,

“Do the opposite of whatever I tell you.”

So I didn’t.

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I was referred to Dr. Dre the other day,

I have to go in for a hip-hoperation.

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aFrankAngle’s A-to-Z Challenge On Fasab

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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My blog friend Frank over at A Frank Angle came up with the idea of doing a post based on an alphabetical listing of a selection of his previous posts. An interesting idea and a good way to introduce more recent readers to some of the things they might otherwise have missed.

Of course, Frank couldn’t leave it at that, so he threw out a challenge for others to try to do the same for their blogs. And guess who couldn’t resist the challenge!

So here you are, for new and long term readers of this blog, a alphabetical journey through some of the files of Fasab!

Enjoy.

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A is for….

Awkward Moments, (Part One, Part Two and Part Three), a short series of amusing anecdotes of times when things didn’t go quite right.

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B is for….

Banksters, one of my perpetual hate figures and the subject of numerous rants such as this one

Are The Banksters Guilty Of Treason Against The Nation?

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C is for….

Classifieds, a long running series of funny classified ads that turned out rather differently to the original intent, for example Part Three and Part Fourteen

And also for factoids about Chocolate and Coffee which people seemed to enjoy

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D is for….

Dogs. I make no secret of the fact that I am very fond of dogs, and German Shepherds in particular. You won’t get a better or more loyal companion and friend. I’ve done several doggie posts, this one has been the most popular,

Sometimes Dogs Know More Than We Give Them Credit For

And for Dear Abbey, no blog like this would be complete without a few letters from Joe Public seeking advice for some of their most disturbing problems.

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E is for….

Education, the lack of, as evidenced by these student exam answers, Part One and Part Two

And also for Emergency Room, some amusing anecdotes from the medical world.

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F is for….

Facebook, in particular the disastrous launch of the company on to the stock market which inspired the longest alliterated blog post title so far

Furious Flabbergasted Facebook Fools Face Frightening Falls From Fanciful Flagging Financial Flotation Farce

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G is for….

The Great Escape, a short story aout an intrepid group of construction workers held hostage by Saddam Hussein before the outbreak of the first war with Iraq

And also for a Glass Of Milk being raised in tribute to Samuel J Porcello, the man who made Oreos what they are today.

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H is for….

Has to be for The Late Great Mr Harry Meadows, an old fellow whose efforts to spice up life in an English nursing home didn’t quite work out as intended.

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I is for….

I Miss Him, and I Miss Him Two, a nostalgic look back at some of the wonderful statements of President George W Bush.

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J is for….

The Journey, an eight part story of an eventful and amusing journey from Dublin, Ireland to the Caribbean, by way of Miami, Florida. This was one of the first things I wrote for this blog and published before there was much viewing traffic

Dublin Airport,  –   Reconfigured And Stuck,  –   The Three Hour Stopover,  –   What Color Was It?   –  Just A Trip To The Mall,   –  Miami Twice, Lost In That Is,   –  Bags And Bags And Bags Of Bother,  and  Finally, I Made It!

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K is for….

Korea, my take on the current posturing and politics concerning North and South Korea,

Is Obama Making A Bad Korea Move?

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L is for….

A Long Love Affair, a short story about my own geeky love affair with computers during the past few decades.

And for Lost In The Fog, a short story about Tommy who managed to get completely lost in the field beside his house.

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M is for….

The MilPost Blog Award, another thing inspired by Frank who was the first blogger to receive this prestigious award only given to those few bloggers who have posted 1,000 times or more on their blog. If you know of anyone who is eligible to receive it please let me know.

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N is for….

Numbers, an on going series of factoids about numbers and their meanings and associations, that has surprised me in the numbers of people viewing them. So far the most popular number is Twenty-Three 23.

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O is for….

One Small Step For Man, a tribute on hearing of the death of Neil Armstrong the first man to set foot on the Moon. There are differing views on how Mr Gorsky fared, but I hope he did okay!

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P is for….

No, you’re all wrong. P is for my loving tribute to the wonderful invention knows as Peanut Butter.

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Q is for….

Quiz Show Answers, a very funny and long running series about the dumb answers given by contestants on various TV and radio quizzes over the years. Like this for example,

It’s Monday And That Means Some More Quiz Show Answers

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R is for….

Revenge Of The First Graders, part of a short series of guess the logo quizzes, apparently kids can recognize about 200 of these by the time they are ready for the first grade!

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S is for….

Stupidity, one of the foundation stones of this blog. No one is immune, especially not politicians and lawyers.

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T is for….

Tarzan and Travel Agents, both of whom made an appearance on the fasab blog.

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U is for….

US Politics And Foreign Policy For Dummies, sometimes it takes a kid to show us how absurd the world of adults really is!

And ‘U’ is for Up, as in People Hardly Ever Look Up, Sometimes They Should!

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V is for….

Versatile Blogger Award. Actually that should be ‘awards’ the first nomination from Alex way back when this blog was barely two months old, and subsequently from Sunny and Wendy. The Fasab blog has also been nominated for the Illuminating Blogger Award (Kenton), Sunshine Award (Wendy again) and the Kreative Blogger Award (Nabdip). My sincere thanks to everyone who though this blog worthy of nomination and I will get round to doing a proper awards page I promise.

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W is for….

Word Play. Yes, you were right, just in the wrong place. I like puns and they feature almost every week somewhere in my blog. So like them, or hate them, or like to hate them, or even hate to like them, you’re sure to find some here.

Why Are Puns So Popular?

Word Play, Bad Jokes, Whatever You Call Them They’re Still Pun To Me

It’s Thursday And That Means Another Excuse For A Few More Bad Jokes

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X is for….

X-rated, a steamy tension filled post about My Morning In Bed With Derek. Read it if you dare!

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Y is for….

Your Country Needs You, a story about a friend’s unusual introduction to the military world.

And You’re Too Stupid To Own A Computer, about pc owners and technical helplines!

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Z is for….

Zero, there are no ‘Z’ posts on this blog, unless the ones that put you to sleep reading them!

I suppose I could have used some of the quiz or puzzle posts, but that’s a bit of a cop out.

I hope this means that Fasab has yet to reach its zenith.

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So that’s it, the Fasab A – Z. Feel free to click any or all of the links that take your fancy, and, as always, enjoy!

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Frank has asked me to remind everyone that no nominations are required to take part in the A2Z challenge, so why not have a go. It’s a bit of work, but fun too, and it gives you the excuse to look over some of your old posts.
The details are on Frank’s blog. To go there, click here!

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