What Do I Think Of Message Boards? I’m Forum!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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And I’m for punny jokes too.

The worse, the better.

Here’s some more.

Enjoy or endure!

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Downloading digital audio has completely revolutionized our lives.

It’s the biggest change in the way we buy music since records began.

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I went to the doctors today

about my addiction to astrology.

He said “What are the signs?”

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For Sale:

Grandfather clock

– only one part missing.

Second hand.

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My wife asked me to fix a

plug for her this morning.

I refused.

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Did you hear about the guy who 

trashed a Chinese restaurant?

He’s being charged with

Wonton Destruction.

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I looked up ‘Opaque’ in the dictionary today.

The definition was not very clear.

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Scientists who were against genetic engineering

have managed to cross a seagull with a sheep,

which is a massive ewe tern.

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I bought a belt made entirely from five dollar bills.

It was a waist of money.

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What is a group of deaf people called?

I bet it’s not a herd.

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To help change her appearance my missus

has started using clay facials with cucumber slices

over her eyes and her hair in rollers.

It helps, but I can still tell it’s her.

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I got stopped by a policeman

while I was driving along the road.

I stopped, opened the window and he said

“This is a spot check.”

So I replied

“I’ve got 2 blackheads and a boil on my bottom!”

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Fibonacci numbers.

It’s as easy as 1, 1, 2, 3.

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I hate the local debating group.

They discussed me.

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So; if men are from Mars

and women are from Venus,

do gay men come from Uranus?

(Oh oh, that’s going to offend somebody!)

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We used to call the printer in the office ‘Bob Marley’.

It was always jammin!

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Apparently Towels Are The Biggest Cause Of Dry Skin.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I couldn’t make my mind for a while whether that title was a pun or a fabulous fact.

But it’s Pun Day, so a play on words it is.

Enjoy or endure!

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My uncle works for a company

that makes bicycle wheels.

He’s the Spokesman.

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Police, “You’re under arrest for trespassing.”

Me, “On what grounds?”

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I know a guy who in his spare time likes to dress up as a knight,

and jump over 20 parked cars on a horse.

I call him Medieval Knievel.

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Having fake teeth.

That’ll denture confidence

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I actually tried plane sailing the other day….

It’s not as easy as it’s made out to be.

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Why do elephants have big ears?

Because Noddy wouldn’t pay the ransom.

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My wife always gets annoyed when I leave her out.

Especially if it’s raining.

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Arkansas is just Kansas with pirates.

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Once when I was in Chicago I did 35 press-ups in a row…

The elevator attendant looked pretty annoyed.

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I’ve spent my entire life researching the multiples of zero,

my career has amounted to nothing. 

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I asked my friend the other day, “Where’s your mum from?”

He replied, “Alaska.”

I said, “Don’t worry, I’ll ask her myself.”

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I saw a man with a trolley

full of horseshoes and rabbits’ feet earlier,

trying to get it up a hill.

I thought, “He’s pushing his luck.”

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Some people say it’s sick and perverted to be a flasher.

I think it shows a lot of balls.

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A Zen master once said to me,

“Do the opposite of whatever I tell you.”

So I didn’t.

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I was referred to Dr. Dre the other day,

I have to go in for a hip-hoperation.

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Have You Ever Googled Yourself?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Have you ever Googled yourself to see if there is anything on the internet about you, or even if there are any other people with the same name as you?

I bet you have. I think everyone does at some stage. Some people call it ‘ego-surfing’.

I actually hadn’t, but I did just now. Apparently there’s a British Member of Parliament and a Realtor in Kentucky using my name. I’ll have to put a stop to that!

But getting back to today’s post. There’s nothing wrong with Googling yourself, unless of course you are a moron, in which case the consequences can be both unseen (for you) and quite traumatic.

That’s what happened to a guy called Christopher Viatafa.

He’s a moron.

And a criminal.

In fact Christopher was being sought in connection with a shooting during a private party at the San Leandro Senior Center in California. Police said he got into an argument, pulled out a handgun and fired several rounds into the ground.

He was forced out of the area, but not before he fired more rounds. No one was hit, but police investigators were looking for him for allegedly discharging a firearm toward an inhabited dwelling.

That was okay, as far as he was concerned.

But then the astute Christopher Googled his name, found a picture of himself on a “Most Wanted” website….

and….

wait for it….

you know what’s coming….

promptly surrendered to San Leandro police in connection with a shooting.

Viatafa told police he had looked himself up online and found his mug on the “Northern California Most Wanted” website, maintained by the Northern California Regional Intelligence Center, a group of local, state and federal law enforcement agencies.

“That is why he turned himself in,” police said.

By the following Friday, Viatafa was listed on the website as a “captured fugitive”.

The website didn’t say that he had captured himself.

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The Universe Implodes. No Matter!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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No matter perhaps, but still time for a bit more word play today.

Another selection of puns.

Enjoy or endure!

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Never borrow money from a loan shark.

It`ll cost you an arm and a leg.

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I’m not a doctor but I can give you the cause

of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.

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What do you call an Arab who’s just had

a shower and can’t find a towel?

Sheikh Yusself Dry.

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Scientists have today found a correlation between

household income and academic performance.

Poor students can’t pay attention.

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If Greenpeace pirates board your boat,

Do they make you walk the plankton?

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Did you hear about the guy who was arrested

for stealing training wheels from kids bikes in the Middle East.

They charged him with further destabilizing the area.

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Rumors of a food shortage at this year’s Spoonerism Awards

turned out to be a complete lack of pies.

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As I watched a young woman expressing herself on the dance floor,

I thought, “I know breast milk is the best thing for a baby,

but surely there’s a time and place.”

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My friend Jonny has a new girlfriend who is a

Native American prostitute who speaks rhyming lyrics.

She’s Arapaho.

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I was bullied all the time in school,

that’s what happens when you are

learning how to be a matador.

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I don’t do innuendos,

but slipping alternative names for poo

into sentences is something I do do.

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I walked in on a guy stealing money

from peoples’ bank cards online

He looked at me worried, but I told him

‘Don’t stop on my account’

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My friend keeps making fun of me because I’m scared of heights.

Next time he does it, I’ll tell him vertigo.

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When I got through reception in prison,

they said I was to share with two guys

who were the toughest cons in the prison.

It was obvious to me right from the start,

they were giving me the hard cell.

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I’m trying to give up sexual innuendos

..but its hard ..so hard ..

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People Who Use Euphemisms Really Get On My You Know Whats!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Pun day!

Twenty more examples of word play to make you smile or groan, or maybe even both.

Enjoy!

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No matter how hard I try, I simply can’t figure out

what’s the opposite of ironing.

It’s depressing.

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What’s the difference between mountains and hills?

Mountains tend to get high, but hills are less inclined

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After criticizing yet another outfit, my wife said she

was going to leave me due to my poor dress sense.

“Please baby” I pleaded. “I can change.”

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Doctor Who started working for our road repair company today,

his first job was to fill in potholes.

“Tardis”, I told him.

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Pepperami..

What Sgt Pepper served in.

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Did you hear about the guy who was so stupid

that when they gave him enough rope,

he shot himself.

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The blow hard bloke next door says his car is more powerful than mine

and that he would easily beat me in a race.

He’s all torque.

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I’ve been caught up in a race row.

I don’t care what he says, I won fair and square.

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People often tell me I have very little patience.

But that’s probably because I’m a doctor specializing in dwarfism.

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A friend of mine accused me of plagiarism.

I didn’t know what that meant, but I took his word.

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I saw that the latest remake of the Dukes of Hazzard includes

a scene where Bo and Luke install a talking car alarm.

I’m not sure that’s going to go down well,

General Lee speaking.

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The wife used to work on a maternity ward.

It was labor-intensive.

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My new neighbor works in a board game factory.

His job is to take small wooden cubes and engrave them.

I don’t like him…

He’s dot a dice person.

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I stopped at a hotel last night called

“The good, the bad, and the ugly.”

It was a Best Western.

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I once met a really stupid bloke on a Greek island.

He was a Cretan.

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At an awards dinner last night,

I just finished enjoying some middle eastern dip

when I was called up to accept my award.

It was post hummus.

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A few weeks ago, 1,400 people were killed in Syria by a chemical attack.

It almost became Obama’s road to Degasmasks.

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I can never wear my lucky golf socks again.

I got a hole in one.

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And since we are almost at the end of today’s post,

I have to announce that unfortunately tonight’s

Self Harmers Anonymous group

has been cancelled due to staff cuts.

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An African lady called Betty came into my restaurant

and asked “Is there any chicken on the menu?”

I replied “No black Betty, it’s ham or lamb.”

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Check This One Out: 1

 “Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Once again the clue to today’s post was in the title.

And since you checked the one in the title out why not check the rest of them out too.

Here is the latest selection of puns for you to endure or hopefully, enjoy.

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Tell you what floats my boat.

Water.

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What do houseflies and Mac users have in common?

Neither of them understand how Windows work.

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Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away…

or is it just one of Granny’s myths?

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I for one…

…but that’s Roman numerals for you.

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I knew a guy who fell into an industrial grinding machine.

He’s fine now.

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I have no beef with vegetarians.

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I slipped on some dog s**t the other day.

It didn’t suit me though.

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I hate it how people keep texting me “k”.

I am very rarely in the mood to talk about potassium.

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I bought some biscuits yesterday, on the packet it said,

“Store in a cool place.”

So I mailed them to Samuel L. Jackson’s house.

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When I was a kid people used to cover me

in cream and put a cherry on my head,

it was tough being brought up in the gateau.    

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I bought a CD which was just the sound of water flowing.

I didn’t like it though, it was too main-stream.

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A bartender drowned in a tidal wave of tonic water after a case exploded,

he was schwepped away.

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There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. 

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Ten words, two commas, an exclamation mark

and a period all appeared in court yesterday…

They’re due to be sentenced next week.

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The other day, an attendant stopped me in a hospital car park to tell me,

“You can’t park here. It’s badge holders only.”

I replied, “But I have got a bad shoulder.”

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Do you think “Gone With The Wind”

started out as just a draft?

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I was pulled over by the police today.

“How fast do you think you were going, sir?”

“60mph?” I asked.

“Try 135,” the officer replied.

So I shut the door and drove as fast as I could.

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The French are concerned that 77% of their electricity comes from nuclear power.

I think they should stop over-reacting.

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I’m scared of trampolines.

They make me jump.

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At last I’ve found out the reason that women ask so many questions.

Apparently they have an extra why chromosome.

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2013, The Year Of The Pun

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Okay, so maybe 2013 isn’t exactly the year of the pun, but I’ll try to do my best to make sure they appear now and again.

And what better time to continue than right now?

Enjoy!

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I took part in a survey about nervous twitches.

I ticked all the boxes.

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My Butcher is selling meat on hire purchase.

But you have to have a joint account.

 

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I went to a bondage party recently.

I was roped into it.

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The invisible man marries the invisible woman….

The kids were nothing to look at either.

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Two cows standing next to each other in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly: “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”

“I don’t believe you,” replies Dolly.

“It’s true, no bull!”

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Why can’t Chinese couples have caucasian babies?

Because two Wongs don’t make a White!

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“Good afternoon. Incontinence hotline. Can you hold please?”

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Did you hear about the two gay ghosts?

They gave each other the willies!

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A 14-year-old boy has been injured in a vicious race attack.

Thankfully, none of the other runners were affected.

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Did you hear about the leper who made his living as a gigolo?

He was doing great until his business fell off.

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Did you hear about the guy who drowned in a bowl of Muesli?

He was dragged under by a strong current.

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What do you call a German baked bean?

Heinz.

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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.

He said, “How flexible are you?”

I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

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http://www.conjunctivitis.com

A site for sore eyes

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What do you call a group of epileptics in a bowl?

Seizure Salad!

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How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Stick it in the microwave until it`s Bill Withers!

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Word Play? Bad Jokes? Whatever you call them they’re Still Pun To Me

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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A few more puns to make you laugh or groan.

Enjoy them if you can.

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The cannibal was so nervous he threw up his hands

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He said I was average – but he was just being mean.

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I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

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Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.    

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The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn’t the sole owner – there were strings attached.

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Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you. 

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We never got the tent up because of all the missed stakes we had.

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The book of incantations was useless. The author had failed to run a spell check.

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I finished my trigonometry exam without a secant to lose.

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Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.

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We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn’t even afford to pay attention.

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I once thought about cloning a new, more efficient brain, but then I realized that I was getting a head of myself.

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If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster.        

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Biologists have recently produced immortal frogs by removing their vocal cords. They can’t croak.         

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The police arrested two kids yesterday, one for drinking battery acid and the other one for eating fireworks. They charged one but let the other one off.

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Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

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A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.          

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And finally,

 

Did you know that Macy’s have a contractual obligation to hire an unemployed man every November and December to play Father Christmas? It’s known as the Santa clause.

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