Cashiers Are Always Checking Me Out.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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And now it’s time for you to check out this week’s selection of word plays.

Yes, it’s Pun Day.

Enjoy or endure!

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If you believe binoculars are overrated

then look no further.

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I hate it when I run out of Staples.

So do their security guards. 

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Dying cats pink, what’s next?

A Navy Seal?

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I spent most of last night in jail.

Try as I might, I just couldn’t roll a double.

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I missed my bus this morning.

I really shouldn’t get so sentimental about public transport.

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I’ve been asked out by a number of sexy women this week.

That number is sadly zero.

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A young man called directory assistance.

“Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number

for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona.”

“There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix,”

the operator replied. “Do you have a street name?”

The young man hesitated, and then said,

“Well, most people call me E Z.” 

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When James Bond is out of his home country

of England, is he known as +44 07?

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I saw a sign in a shop- ‘Mosquito nets £10’

I didn’t even know bugs could play the lottery.

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I told my mate that, in order to get laid,

I’d promised my girlfriend that

I’d marry her in the summer.

He said, “July?”

I said, “Of course I did.”

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I once went out with a girl with

fiery red hair and a pale thin body.

I met her on Match.com

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I fell asleep whilst rafting the other day.

I just drifted off.

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My wife has rather annoyingly replaced all

the lightbulbs in the house with energy efficient ones.

I’ll never see her in the same light again.

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It was my anniversary last week.

My girlfriend asked me if I wanted

oral sex or a new pair of shoes…

I went head over heels. 

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I’ve just watched a fantastic

movie with a twist at the end…

Oliver.

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Some Important Questions For The New Congress To Consider

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 

When the new Congress gets itself organized (don’t hold your breath) here are a few important questions I think they should address. The people deserve to know the answers. We have been ignored for far too long! 

 

 

What do you call male ballerinas?

 

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How does Freddy Krueger wipe his butt?  (Ouch!)

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Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?

(This one in particular has annoyed me for years!)

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Do butterflies remember life as a caterpillar?

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Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

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Does the postman deliver his own mail?

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Why is toilet bowl cleaner almost always blue in color?

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Where do people in Hell tell other people to go?

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Is ‘vice-versa’ to a dyslexic just plain redundant?

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How come you can kill a deer and put it up on your wall, but it’s illegal to keep one as a pet?

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Why do we say we’re head over heels when we’re happy? Isn’t that the way we normally are?

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If prunes are dehydrated plums, where does prune juice come from?

 

Is it appropriate to say ‘good mourning’ at a funeral?

 

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If there is an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule and therefore a rule that there is no exception to and does that mean there is not an exception to every rule, or that there is?

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When you’re caught ‘between a rock and a hard place’, is the rock not hard?

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Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

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Doesn’t a lightning rod on top of church show a lack of faith?

 

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Who coined the phrase, ‘coined the phrase’?

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Why do they continue to call steamrollers, ‘steam’ rollers? They no longer produce, get rid of, or have anything to do with steam.  

 

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