At Last A Little Good News About The Banksters.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Don’t get too excited, it is only a little, but it is good news.

In a recent ruling by British regulators, the top executives and managers at banks operating there (which is practically all the major banks) could have their bonuses clawed back for up to ten years after any finding of misconduct. It will also prohibit bonuses for nonexecutive directors and for the managers of companies that are receiving financial support from the government.

The move, which is long, long overdue and still does not go far enough, extends a seven-year clawback period that one regulator, the Prudential Regulation Authority, (part of the Bank of England), introduced for so-called variable pay (read ‘bonuses’) last year as part of tougher accountability rules.

The new rules announced by the authority, which is part of the Bank of England, and by another regulator, the Financial Conduct Authority, are the latest effort by financial regulators in Europe to hold the banksters accountable for improper actions that could play a role in precipitating future financial upheavals.

The regulators say they are trying to “embed an accountable culture” in the City of London, which actually means that the authorities realize that the banksters have learned nothing from their previous catastrophic frauds and thefts. They know when the chance arrives these greedy and immoral people will try to do it all again.

The new British rules, which apply to banks, building societies and investment firms regulated by the Prudential Regulation Authority, including British units of United States banks and other financial firms based outside Europe, mean that senior managers, risk managers and others at banks will also be asked to defer more of their variable pay for a longer period, making it easier for regulators and financial institutions to recover bonuses if misconduct is uncovered.

Other countries in Europe are also enacting new regulations for their banksters. Dutch lawmakers, for example, capped bonuses this year for employees in the banking, insurance and other finance sectors that limits variable pay to 20 percent of their fixed salaries. The Dutch have also banned bonuses for executives at bailed-out banks.

European rules already limit bankers’ bonuses to the equivalent of their annual salaries, or to two times their base salaries if the company’s shareholders approve it. But they know they are so greedy that they will try to find ways round that.

Already some banks are making moves to get round the limits by introducing role-based remuneration and other payments, so the regulators have their work cut out for them keeping a step ahead of the thieves.

What they really need to do is confiscate ALL their ill-gotten gains, impose severe additional financial penalties AND throw these criminals in jail – for a long time.

America, which always likes to consider itself as the leader of the world, should lead in this regard too. It would be better than starting another war in some far off God forsaken country.

Unfortunately I think it will be an equally long time, and a lot more frauds, before they get to that much needed stage.

And you can take that to the bank!

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Cashiers Are Always Checking Me Out.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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And now it’s time for you to check out this week’s selection of word plays.

Yes, it’s Pun Day.

Enjoy or endure!

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If you believe binoculars are overrated

then look no further.

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I hate it when I run out of Staples.

So do their security guards. 

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Dying cats pink, what’s next?

A Navy Seal?

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I spent most of last night in jail.

Try as I might, I just couldn’t roll a double.

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I missed my bus this morning.

I really shouldn’t get so sentimental about public transport.

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I’ve been asked out by a number of sexy women this week.

That number is sadly zero.

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A young man called directory assistance.

“Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number

for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona.”

“There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix,”

the operator replied. “Do you have a street name?”

The young man hesitated, and then said,

“Well, most people call me E Z.” 

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When James Bond is out of his home country

of England, is he known as +44 07?

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I saw a sign in a shop- ‘Mosquito nets £10’

I didn’t even know bugs could play the lottery.

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I told my mate that, in order to get laid,

I’d promised my girlfriend that

I’d marry her in the summer.

He said, “July?”

I said, “Of course I did.”

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I once went out with a girl with

fiery red hair and a pale thin body.

I met her on Match.com

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I fell asleep whilst rafting the other day.

I just drifted off.

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My wife has rather annoyingly replaced all

the lightbulbs in the house with energy efficient ones.

I’ll never see her in the same light again.

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It was my anniversary last week.

My girlfriend asked me if I wanted

oral sex or a new pair of shoes…

I went head over heels. 

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I’ve just watched a fantastic

movie with a twist at the end…

Oliver.

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Playing With Statistics

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It’s Sunday so time for another Sunday Sermon.

There’s a famous quote from US President Abraham Lincoln that goes something like, “you can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but not all of the people all of the time”.

On the face of it Lincoln’s words seem rather clever and profound – and true. And so they are.

Up to a point.

But what Lincoln didn’t say (and he was a politician after all) is that you don’t have to fool ALL of the people ALL of the time.

What you have to do is fool them long enough to do what you need to do – for example, in the case of a politician, to get yourself elected.  

 

Which brings me to statistics.

Because the best people in the world at playing with statistics are politicians and governments.

Some people believe everything they are told. Others call the figures governments produce ‘disingenuous’ which is being very kind. And some don’t believe a word or a number that they produce. (Take a wild guess at which camp I am in.)

Government statistical results are in effect lies. You can’t call them that – although I just did – because they can find figures to back up what they say, it’s just that they choose the figures that tell the story they want to promote and ignore all the rest that tell a different story.

For example, to get on to one of my favorite rant subjects, there is a thing which I am sure most of you have never heard of called the ‘Special Inspector General for the Troubled Asset Relief Program’ or ‘SIGTARP’ for short.

When the government is challenged about what is has been doing to bring to justice the banksters, who stole and recklessly gambled away our money, they can quote you a statistic or two saying that over the last few years, SIGTARP has put over 100 senior bank executives in jail, each of whom was convicted of stealing from taxpayers.

Although that fact is ‘technically’ or ‘statistically’ true, what they don’t tell you is that the people they have gone after and convicted are all small time crooks, guilty of small time frauds that are seldom above $1m or $1.5 million in value.

All the super crooks who embezzled hundreds of $ billions and almost brought down the entire financial system aren’t even being seriously pursued. More than six years into the SIGTARP investigations there are literally still hundreds of billions of outstanding ‘loans’, from banks including Citi, JP Morgan, Wells Fargo, and Bank of America.

They can quote figures all day long to try to mislead the people and make themselves look good, but a few small time crooks thrown in jail for stealing a million or two dollars here and there isn’t ever going to make much of a dent in the $ billions that were stolen. The politicians know that as well as anyone.

Perhaps Mark Twain’s “There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics,” might have been a better quote!

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It’s Not A Crime To Be A Complete Idiot – Although It Should Be!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Evelyn Hamilton is 37 years old.

She is from Lufkin, Texas.

And she is a complete idiot.

She’s also in jail because she is a complete idiot.

Not that being a complete idiot is a crime – although it should be.

Instead Evelyn Hamilton is in jail because her feeble brain told her to call the East Texas police to complain about

–  wait fot it  – 

the quality of the marijuana she had purchased from a dealer!

Apparently the dealer had refused to return her money when she complained, so in her empty head, phoning the police about him would get him into trouble, but not her.

But when Sgt. David Casper went to her house after the call to the police, and asks her if she was still in possession of the drugs, he says she pulled the small amount of marijuana from her bra.

More of a smoke than a smoking gun, I grant you, but the Sergeant arrested her anyway on a charge of possession of drug paraphernalia.

Good one Evelyn!

 

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The Rats Are Squealing!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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The Sunday Sermon

They say rats squeal when they are being hunted and nearing capture and they’re right.

None more so at present than the rat banksters and nowhere more so than on Wall Street. If you listen carefully you can hear them squeal even above the noise of the New York traffic.

And the reason for the squealing?

Only that federal authorities are at long last closing in on some of the worst culprits whose greed and contempt for their clients caused the financial crisis we have all be suffering from during the past decade and more.

But before you start clapping the feds on the back, let me say it is too little and too late. None of the banksters are likely to face jail sentences which is what they deserve for their crimes against the people.

However, it is something and these days that’s about the best you can hope for.

In terms of the numbers, the banksters are facing fines of something in the region of $63 billion.

Wow, listen to them squeal!

It seems like a lot of money – and it is a lot of money, it could keep all of us blogging away happily for the rest of our lives and then some. But put in the context of what the banksters defrauded their clients out of and what they lost it is just a pittance.

Putting the figures into context, J P Morgan Chase’s $13 billion mortgage settlement in November was probably some kind of record, but they issued more than $460 billion in mortgage securities.

To illustrate it in numbers people can relate to better, that’s like a thief stealing a thousand dollars from you and getting away with it if he paid you back $28.

I bet the amount of the settlement doesn’t seem so big now. Nor is it commensurate with the size of the crime. But that’s what they’ll probably get away with. And they’re not even grateful for this small smack on the wrist, hence all the squealing.

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Clones Are People Two.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Great news today!

The September puns start here.

I know you will, but I’ll say it anyway.

Enjoy!

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My son broke his Apple computer today and

had the audacity to ask me to buy him a new one.

I just told him, “Apples don’t grow on trees you know!”

 

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I didn’t hear the sea when I held a Shell up.

I did, however, get six years in jail

for armed robbery of a gas station.

 

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NBC have commissioned my new show about

what goes on inside an airplane cockpit.

We’re filming the pilot next week.

 

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A man walks into a library and says

“I hope you don’t have a book on reverse psychology.”

 

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People used to tell me being blind would

hinder my chances of becoming a comedian.

Who’s laughing now?

 

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My cheating ex-girlfriend was called Tulsa.

Looking back, she was aslut.

 

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My friend recently moved in with his girlfriend

and her massive magazine collection.

But when she refused to part with them he left her.

Apparently she had too many issues.

 

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I’m not worried about the Third World War.

That’s the Third World’s Problem.

 

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I have got a bit of a reputation as a ladies man in my local bar.

All I can say is, they smell so much cleaner than the gents.

 

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Some guy broke into my house last night.

Thankfully the only thing he took was one of my bullets.

 

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My father’s answer to everything was alcohol.

He didn’t drink, he was just bad at quizzes.

 

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I recently went on a holiday to a place called Romania.

It was useless; no one was even rowing.

 

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A guy I know has invented a new hobby

called “blindfold plane watching”.

Can’t see it taking off.

 

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I was watching a DVD on my laptop when I thought,

“Maybe it would be better if I put it in.”

 

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My wife told me she was absolutely fed up with the world.

“Why?” I asked

“Arrogant people like you!” she screamed back.

I said “Yeah they do, don’t they?”

 

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Someone has been pretending to be Mr T by using a similar name,

but no-one knows his real identity.

It’s a Mr E.

 

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I’m reading a book about the Titanic at the moment,

and the experts speculate that the designer of the Titanic had a lisp.

That’s unthinkable!

 

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I went to the shop and said, “I need a battery so I can tell the time.”

The man said, “Is it for a clock?”

I said, “How do I know, that’s why I asked you for a battery.”

 

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I won $2 million on the lottery this weekend

so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

Now I have $ 1,999,999.75.

 

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I’ll leave you with a word of warning.

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More Facts – And That’s A Fact!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Welcome to another selection of random facts and the chance to prepare yourself for questions that you may never be asked.

Enjoy.

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While in Alcatraz, Al Capone was inmate 85.

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The airport scene at the end of classic movie “Casablanca”

was produced using a cardboard model of a plane

and little people actors in the background!!

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Donkeys kill more people than plane crashes.

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The White House has 32 bathrooms,

and 6 levels to accommodate all the people

who live in, work in, and visit the White House.

There are also 412 doors, 147 windows,

28 fireplaces, 7 staircases, and 3 elevators.

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Hummingbirds are the only animals that can fly backwards.

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In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down

but only 6 people were injured.

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Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

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Each year there is one ton of cement poured

for each man woman and child in the world.

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The most common name in Italy is Mario Rossi.

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Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails!

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Rugby, North Dakota is the geographical center of North America.

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Butte County, South Dakota is the geographical center of the U.S.

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No matter where you stand in Michigan,

you are never more than 85 miles from a Great Lake.

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The number “four” is considered unlucky in Japan

because it is pronounced the same as “death”.

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Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance

ever nominated for an Oscar with “Midnight Cowboy.”

Her entire role lasted only six minutes.

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You’re more likely to get stung by a bee

on a windy day than in any other weather.

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The world’s deepest hole is the Sakhali I oil well in Russia

(part owned by Exxon Mobil) which is 12.345 Km. deep (7.67 miles).

Previously to this the Al Shaheen oil well (12.29km or 7.64 miles)

dug in Qatar was the deepest oil well.

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Spain leads the world in cork production

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A jail in Brazil allows its inmates to pedal exercise bikes

to power lights in a nearby town in exchange for reduced sentences.

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The Boston University Bridge

(on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston, Massachusetts)

is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under a train

driving under a car driving under an airplane.

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Perfectly Timed Photos, Part Five

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Welcome to another weekend and the final selection of perfectly timed photographs.

Since this is the last in this short series I am going to let the animals have the final word, or the final look might be more accurate.

Below is a mixture of domesticated and wild animals all caught on camera at exactly the right moment in time to produce fascinating and sometimes very funny pictures.

Hope you enjoy this final (for the moment) selection.

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Stupid Politicians And Bureaucrats Make What? Yes, That’s Right – Stupid Laws, Part Three

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Today we have the third of my three-part series highlighting some of the stupid laws that have been made by the stupid politicians and bureaucrats that we have allowed into positions of power.

So here are some more of the lesser known laws that govern the good citizens in the United States (listed by state alphabetically, part 1 covered A to L, part 2 covered the M’s and N’s, this week it’s O to W.).

Enjoy (or cringe, perhaps).

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OHIO

• Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public. (I hope that’s no reflection on them.)
• It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday. (And immoral any other day.)
• It is illegal to get a fish drunk. (Would Sir like some water with that?)
• The Ohio driver’s education manual states that you must honk the horn whenever you pass another car. (But I want to ‘beep’.)
• If one loses their pet tiger, they must notify the authorities within one hour. (That’s greeeaaaatttttt!)

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OKLAHOMA

• It is illegal for the owner of a bar to allow anyone inside to pretend to have sex with a buffalo. (And the real thing is okay???)
• Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.
• It is illegal to have the hind legs of farm animals in your boots. (That reminds me of a joke about…… no, better not.)
• People who make “ugly faces” at dogs may be fined and/or jailed. (What happens if you just have a ugly face to begin with?)
• Cars must be tethered outside of public buildings.
• Oral sex is a misdemeanor and is punishable by one year in jail and a $2,500 fine. (Well, blow me, that’s expensive!)
• It is illegal to conceal the birth of a child that would be a bastard. (But you never know how they are going to turn out until they get a bit older???)

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OREGON

• Babies may not be carried on the running boards of a car. (That’s okay, you need both hands to hang on to the car anyhow.)
• It is illegal to whisper “dirty” things in your lover’s ear during sex. (So where do you whisper them?)
• Ice cream may not be eaten on Sundays. (Ridiculous!)
• It is illegal to buy or sell marijuana, but it is legal to smoke it on your own property. (To pot with that!!)
• You cannot eat a doughnut and walk backwards on a city street. (Well, maybe YOU can’t, but….)
• Juggling is strictly prohibited without a license. (And quite difficult even with one.)
• It is a crime to publicly scrape clean a skeleton in a cemetery. (And let’s make no bones about it.)

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PENNSYLVANIA

• It is illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors. (This is another one of those ‘how many people were doing this that a law was needed against it’ kind of things.)
• Any motorist driving along a country road at night must stop every mile and send up a rocket signal, wait 10 minutes for the road to be cleared of livestock, and continue.
• A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling. (Ya hear that one ladies?)
• In Harrisburg it is against the law to wear lead nipple shields. (I bet Superman goes there – a lot!)
• You may not sing in the bathtub.
• You may not catch a fish by any body part except the mouth. (I don’t think I could catch a fish with my mouth.)

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RHODE ISLAND

• No one may bite off another’s leg. (Ears, noses, arms, etc., are okay?)
• Any marriage where either of the parties is an idiot or lunatic is null and void. (I’m saying nothing.)
• One must make a loud noise before passing a car on the left. (Can do!)
• The penalty for biting off another’s limb is twenty years in jail, but only if it was intentional. (Whoops, sorry, there’s your leg back. I didn’t mean it.)
• It is illegal to wear transparent clothing. (Clearly!)
• You may not sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday.

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SOUTH CAROLINA

• It is considered an offense to get a tattoo. (I just consider it stupid.)
• Horses may not be kept in bathtubs. (I guess there’s no room, what with all the donkeys in there.)
• It is perfectly legal to beat your wife on the court house steps on Sundays.
• It is a capital offense to inadvertently kill someone while attempting suicide. (You mean if you are attempting suicide or you can’t kill the person who is attempting suicide?)

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SOUTH DAKOTA

• It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory. (But is there a law about cutting the cheese?)
• If three or more Indians are walking down the street together, they can be considered a war party and fired upon.
• In Huron it is an offence to cause static. (Shocking law that one.)
• Otherwise illegal explosives can be set off in sunflower fields.

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TENNESSEE

• It is a crime to share your Netflix password in Tennessee. (Is it okay in English?)
• It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish. (And very difficult.)
• “Crimes against nature” are prohibited.
• Skunks may not be carried into the state. (Yeah, let the little stinkers walk.)

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TEXAS

• It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing. (What sort of a guy ‘sips’ beer? Come on!)
• Up to a felony charge can be levied for promoting the use of, or owning more than six dildos.
• It is illegal to milk another person’s cow. (Is that a double entendre?)
• The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.
• In Dallas it is illegal to possess realistic dildos.

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UTAH

• It is illegal not to drink milk.
• It is illegal to detonate any nuclear weapon.
• Birds have the right of way on all highways.
• In Salt Lake County an official milkman is limited to casual contact with his customers. (What’s all this about milk in Utah?)
• A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence.
• No one may have sex in the back of an ambulance if it is responding to an emergency call. (So turn the sirens off??)
• It is illegal to cause a catastrophe. (So are these laws not breaking this law?)

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VERMONT

• Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth. (By gum!)
• At one time it was illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole.
• All residents shall bathe every Saturday night.

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VIRGINIA

• Not only is it illegal to have sex with the lights on, one may not have sex in any position other than missionary. (Just how did the people who thought this one up think that they were going to enforce it?)
• It is illegal to tickle women. (You just said that, see above!)
• A man may face 60 days in jail for patting a woman’s derriere. (How long for a good slap?)
• Women must wear a corsette after sundown and be in the company of male chaperone.

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WASHINGTON

• The harassing of Bigfoot, Sasquatch or other undiscovered subspecies is a felony punishable by a fine and/or imprisonment. (Do tell how exactly do you harass an ‘undiscovered’ species? Wouldn’t you have to discover it first, and once discovered it is no longer ‘undiscovered’ and therefore can be harassed?)
• All lollipops are banned. (This law really sucks.)
• People may not buy a mattress on Sunday.
• In Washington it is a misdemeanor to sell poison without a license.
• In Seattle possessing an electro-magnetic wave generator is a crime.
• It is illegal to pretend that one’s parents are rich. (Can you pretend that they are poor?)
• You may not carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length. (And where would you be able to conceal it anyway?)

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WEST VIRGINIA

• It is legal for a male to have sex with an animal as long as it does not exceed 40 lbs. (And I would imagine dangerous if it does!)
• It is illegal to snooze on a train.
• One may not walk a lion, tiger or leopard, even on a leash.
• Firemen may not whistle or flirt at any woman passing a firehouse.

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WISCONSIN

• Condoms were considered an obscene article and had to be hidden behind the pharmacist’s counter.
• At one time, margarine was illegal.
• It is illegal to kiss on a train.
• It is illegal to cut a woman’s hair. (People from Brazil please take special note.)
• The government may not prohibit manual flushed urinals. (That’s handy.)
• Cheddar cheese must be “highly pleasing”.
• Followers of the Ho-Chunk religion may hunt deer without a license.
• It is illegal to produce baby Swiss cheese without well-developed eyes. (Otherwise how could you see what you were doing… Duh!!)

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WYOMING

• If one is drunk in a mine, he or she could land in jail for up to a year. (Prospects aren’t good then?)
• It is illegal for women to stand within five feet of a bar while drinking. (Iron or wooden?)
• You may not take a picture of a rabbit from January to April without an official permit. (That really bugs me.)
• It is illegal to charge for the use of a toilet. (No sh**!)

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