Apparently Towels Are The Biggest Cause Of Dry Skin.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I couldn’t make my mind for a while whether that title was a pun or a fabulous fact.

But it’s Pun Day, so a play on words it is.

Enjoy or endure!

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My uncle works for a company

that makes bicycle wheels.

He’s the Spokesman.

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Police, “You’re under arrest for trespassing.”

Me, “On what grounds?”

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I know a guy who in his spare time likes to dress up as a knight,

and jump over 20 parked cars on a horse.

I call him Medieval Knievel.

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Having fake teeth.

That’ll denture confidence

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I actually tried plane sailing the other day….

It’s not as easy as it’s made out to be.

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Why do elephants have big ears?

Because Noddy wouldn’t pay the ransom.

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My wife always gets annoyed when I leave her out.

Especially if it’s raining.

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Arkansas is just Kansas with pirates.

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Once when I was in Chicago I did 35 press-ups in a row…

The elevator attendant looked pretty annoyed.

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I’ve spent my entire life researching the multiples of zero,

my career has amounted to nothing. 

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I asked my friend the other day, “Where’s your mum from?”

He replied, “Alaska.”

I said, “Don’t worry, I’ll ask her myself.”

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I saw a man with a trolley

full of horseshoes and rabbits’ feet earlier,

trying to get it up a hill.

I thought, “He’s pushing his luck.”

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Some people say it’s sick and perverted to be a flasher.

I think it shows a lot of balls.

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A Zen master once said to me,

“Do the opposite of whatever I tell you.”

So I didn’t.

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I was referred to Dr. Dre the other day,

I have to go in for a hip-hoperation.

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The Universe Implodes. No Matter!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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No matter perhaps, but still time for a bit more word play today.

Another selection of puns.

Enjoy or endure!

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Never borrow money from a loan shark.

It`ll cost you an arm and a leg.

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I’m not a doctor but I can give you the cause

of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.

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What do you call an Arab who’s just had

a shower and can’t find a towel?

Sheikh Yusself Dry.

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Scientists have today found a correlation between

household income and academic performance.

Poor students can’t pay attention.

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If Greenpeace pirates board your boat,

Do they make you walk the plankton?

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Did you hear about the guy who was arrested

for stealing training wheels from kids bikes in the Middle East.

They charged him with further destabilizing the area.

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Rumors of a food shortage at this year’s Spoonerism Awards

turned out to be a complete lack of pies.

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As I watched a young woman expressing herself on the dance floor,

I thought, “I know breast milk is the best thing for a baby,

but surely there’s a time and place.”

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My friend Jonny has a new girlfriend who is a

Native American prostitute who speaks rhyming lyrics.

She’s Arapaho.

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I was bullied all the time in school,

that’s what happens when you are

learning how to be a matador.

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I don’t do innuendos,

but slipping alternative names for poo

into sentences is something I do do.

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I walked in on a guy stealing money

from peoples’ bank cards online

He looked at me worried, but I told him

‘Don’t stop on my account’

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My friend keeps making fun of me because I’m scared of heights.

Next time he does it, I’ll tell him vertigo.

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When I got through reception in prison,

they said I was to share with two guys

who were the toughest cons in the prison.

It was obvious to me right from the start,

they were giving me the hard cell.

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I’m trying to give up sexual innuendos

..but its hard ..so hard ..

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It’s A Day For A Little More Word Play

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Time for another bunch of those word plays they call puns.

Get your groans ready and enjoy!

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I usually take steps to avoid elevators.

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The girl wanted to lose weight so she went to the paint store. She heard she could get thinner there.

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He had a difficult time bouncing back from his bungee cord accident.

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The cannibal’s cookbook titled ‘How to Better Serve your Fellow Man’ was written by a guy who had a wife and ate kids.  

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My friend wore a blindfold at the shooting range, he didn’t know what he was missing.

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If you need something done, call an electrician – they conduit.

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Although Nobelists tend to have dynamite personalities, Niels was a Bohr, and Linus was a Pauling.

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The police arrested me after my therapist suggested I take something for my kleptomania.

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When Peter Pan punches, they Neverland.

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The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.

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The new weed whacker is cutting-hedge technology.

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Novice pirates make terrible singers because they can’t hit the high seas.

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I used to be a watchmaker. It was a great job and I made my own hours.

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I hate the price of candy at the movie theater. They’re always raisinette.

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All the waterfowl kept their eyes closed except for one. He was a Peking Duck.  

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Deafness is getting to be quite a problem for me lately. Wow, I never thought I’d hear myself say that.

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Bugs have very diverse religious views, because they are all in sects.

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She’s happy to make a pair of pants for you, or at least sew its seams.

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England doesn’t have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool

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When you think about it, mummies are bound to be uptight.

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