I’ve Always Found That The Letter ‘N’ Divides Opinion

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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There’s no getting away from it, the letter ‘n’ does divide opinion.

And so too does that little word play device called the Pun.

For those who like them and for those who like to hate them here is another selection.

Enjoy or Endure!

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rofl

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Getting a job repairing revolving doors

was a real turning point in my life.

Revolving door overhaul and repair

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I have a friend who is ambidextrous illiterate…

He can’t write anything with both hands.

illiterate

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My wife asked me “Would you say that I was likeable?”

I said “No love, bulls are male. You’re like a cow.”

 

cow

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What is Stephen Hawking’s favourite cream?

sQWERTY.

Stephen Hawking keyboard

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I’ve never asked a rhetorical question.

How cool is that?

RhetoricalQuestionsOnly

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I once got asked to do a sketch of

an old gameshow host dressed up as a Charlies Angel.

I drew Barrymore.

drew Barrymore

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There’s a gang going through our town,

systematically shoplifting clothes in size order…

The police believe they’re still at large.

clothes in size order

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I know a guy who has one eye bigger than the other.

His name is Iain.

forest-whitaker-one eye bigger than the other

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A recent study proved that I shouldn’t try

to add unnecessary rooms to my house.

study-room-design-ideas

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There is a remote tribe

that worships the number Zero.

Is nothing sacred?

number Zero

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What cheese do you use

to disguise horse meat?

Mascarpone.

Mascarpone

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Yesterday, a Lumberjack slipped

and cut into his leg with a chainsaw.

He lost a lot of blood, but although

they managed to stem the flow,

paramedics say he is still not out of the woods yet.

Lumberjacks

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I’m not afraid of flying.

I am, however, afraid of being 35,000 feet

in the air and suddenly “not” flying.

fear-of-flying

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I don’t know what the fascination is with strip clubs.

It’s just the same old thong and dance.

thong and dance

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Elton John has got so fat recently, he is having

to have his trousers specially made for him,

He’s had to say goodbye normal jeans…

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Did You Know? Facts, Facts And More Facts.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Fact day again on the fasab blog.

Another twenty things you probably don’t know now, but not to worry, you will do soon if you read on.

Enjoy.

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did you know1

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Before Gmail, “G-Mail” was the name of a free

email service offered by Garfield’s website.

gmail-logo-transparent

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In America the bonnets and caps of city fire hydrants

are painted certain colors to alert firefighters

to the amount of water pressure available from that hydrant.

fire hydrant

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It isn’t water itself that conducts electricity,

but the impurities found in it.

short_circuit water and electricity cartoon

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Richard Hollingshead of Camden, N.J., built the first

drive-in theater in his driveway.

The idea was inspired by his mother who was a large woman

who found the seats at regular movie theaters uncomfortable.

He made it with a sheet strung between two trees and

a movie projector mounted to the hood of his car.

drive-in-theater

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Washington state’s Mt. Rainier is the tallest

volcano in the contiguous United States,

measuring nearly 14,500 feet in height.

It last erupted in 1854.

mount rainier washington us

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Despite their menacing appearance and fierce name,

dragonflies cannot sting and are harmless to human beings.

dragonfly

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When referring to China, make sure

to say the People’s Republic of China.

Leave off “People’s” and you’re talking about Taiwan.

china_taiwan

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Approximately one quarter of the United States’

homeless population are war veterans.

(Shameful statistic!)

homeless_veterans

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The inventors of bubble wrap,

Alfred Fielding and Marc Chavannes,

were originally trying to make plastic wallpaper.

bubble-wrap

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The toilet featured in Hitchcock’s Psycho

was the first flushing toilet to appear on-screen.

psycho toilet

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Frankincense, one of the precious items

the wise men gave the baby Jesus,

was actually an ancient form of chewing gum

Frankincense

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The poinsettia is named after former

congressman and ambassador Joel Poinsett,

who introduced the plant to the United States in the 1800s.

Joel Poinsett

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Peridots are the only gems that

have been found in meteorites.

Peridot August Birthstone

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The longest jellyfish on record measured 160 feet,

more than half the length of a football field.

Jellyfish

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All holly trees are gender specific – male or female.

Only the female holly tree bears fruit (berries),

and in order to do so there must be a male

pollinated tree within a two mile radius of her.

holly tree in park

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Two-thirds of the world’s lawyers live in the United States.

LawyersProtectArtists

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The Hard Rock Café got its name from a now-defunct bar that

appeared on the back of the Doors’ album Morrison Hotel.

Doors album cover Morrison Hotel - Hard Rock Cafe

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When cranberries are ripe, they bounce like a rubber ball.

cranberry

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Due to the “naughty” dancing of the can-can girls and

the scantily clad models on 1800s French postcards,

the British equated anything risqué with France.

In fact, that’s how the phrase “pardon my French” entered the vernacular.

can can dancers

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Scott Joplin’s famous piano song, “Maple Leaf Rag,”

was not named for the leaf or for Canada:

it was named for the Maple Leaf Club,

a social gathering place in Sedalia, Missouri.

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Another Monday Quiz – Try It If You Dare!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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What better way to start of the week than with a quiz?

Okay, okay, so there are better ways, but this is the way we’re doing it here.

I think some of the questions are pretty tough this week, but if you are up for a challenge please have a go at them.

As always the answers are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but NO cheating!

Enjoy.

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Quiz 9

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Q  1:  From what animal do we get Catgut?

Q  2:  What country has more lakes that the rest of the world combined?

Q  3:  What is the collective noun for a group of Unicorns, should such a thing exist?

Q  4:  How many of each ‘clean’ animal did God tell Noah to take into the Ark?

Q  5:  How many people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th?

Q  6:  What is the name that means “Craft of the Wise Ones”?

Q  7:  What is printed on the tablet being held by the Statue of Liberty?

Q  8:  The largest Groundhog Day celebration is held in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, made famous by the film of that name starring Bill Murray and Andie McDowell. But what date is Groundhog Day?

Q  9:  By what name is the Tooth Fairy known in Mexico?

Q 10:  What former U.S. president worked as a lifeguard in his youth at a beach near Dixon, Illinois and saved over 77 lives?

Q 11:  What was the only commercial aircraft that able to break the sound barrier?

Q 12:  They were originally called Baby Gays. What do we know them better as?

Q 13:  What were the first words that Thomas A. Edison spoke into the phonograph? (Now you know this, even you think you don’t)

Q 14:  What disease killed over 20 million people worldwide in 1918?

Q 15:  Used in US English to describe a student in the second year of study at high school or university, what does the word “sophomore” literally mean?

Q 16:  The British call them a fruit machine, but what are they known as elsewhere?

Q 17:  What US State is known as “Land of Enchantment”?

Q 18:  The Tibetans call it Chomolungma. What do we know it better as?

Q 19:  The vast majority of people, male and female, have a Glabella, but what is it?

Q 20:  The largest library in the world is located in Washington D.C. What is its name?

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ANSWERS

Q  1:  From what animal do we get Catgut?

A  1:  Catgut comes from sheep not cats.

Q  2:  What country has more lakes that the rest of the world combined?

A  2:  Canada has more lakes that the rest of the world combined.

Q  3:  What is the collective noun for a group of Unicorns, should such a thing exist?

A  3:  A group of Unicorns is called a blessing.

Q  4:  How many of each ‘clean’ animal did God tell Noah to take into the Ark?

A  4:  According to Genesis 7:2, God told Noah to take 14 of each kind of ‘clean’ animal in to the ark.

Q  5:  How many people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th?

A  5:  Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn’t added until 5 years later.

Q  6:  What is the name that means “Craft of the Wise Ones”?

A  6:  Witchcraft

Q  7:  What is printed on the tablet being held by the Statue of Liberty?

A  7:  July IV, MDCCLXXVI

Q  8:  The largest Groundhog Day celebration is held in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, made famous by the film of that name starring Bill Murray and Andie McDowell. But what date is Groundhog Day?

A  8:  Groundhog Day is on February 2nd

Q  9:  By what name is the Tooth Fairy known in Mexico?

A  9:  In Mexico the Tooth Fairy is known as the Tooth Mouse, which takes the tooth and leaves treasures in its place

Q 10:  What former U.S. president worked as a lifeguard in his youth at a beach near Dixon, Illinois and saved over 77 lives?

A 10:  Ronald Reagan

Q 11:  What was the only commercial aircraft that able to break the sound barrier?

A 11:  The Anglo-French manufactured “Concorde”.

Q 12:  They were originally called Baby Gays. What do we know them better as?

A 12:  Q-Tip Cotton Swabs

Q 13:  What were the first words that Thomas A. Edison spoke into the phonograph? (Now you know this, even if you think you don’t)

A 13:  The first words that Thomas A. Edison spoke into the phonograph were, “Mary had a little lamb.”

Q 14:  What disease killed over 20 million people worldwide in 1918?

A 14:  The flu pandemic of 1918 killed over 20 million people

Q 15:  Used in US English to describe a student in the second year of study at high school or university, what does the word “sophomore” literally mean?

A 15:  “wise moron.”

Q 16:  The British call them a fruit machine, but what are they known as elsewhere?

A 16:  A slot machine.

Q 17:  What US State is known as “Land of Enchantment”?

A 17:  New Mexico is known as the “Land of Enchantment”

Q 18:  The Tibetans call it Chomolungma. What do we know it better as?

A 18:  Mount Everest

Q 19:  The vast majority of people, male and female, have a Glabella, but what is it?

A 19:  The space between your eyebrows is called the Glabella

Q 20:  The largest library in the world is located in Washington D.C. What is its name?

A 20:  The Library of Congress

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Whiteboards Are Remarkable!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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What was that? Whiteboards are remarkable?

Yes, another pun day awaits below.

Enjoy!

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My New Zealand girlfriend said that

she was falling in love with my rubbish puns,

so I asked her to maori me.

maoris

My boss said I couldn’t park my monster truck in the work car park.

So I went over her head.

monster-truck

When my grandfather passed away,

I had his ashes kept in an old bottle of vodka.

I know he’s not here right now,

but he’s with me in spirit.

stoli-7

Feminism is sooooo cute.

feminist cartoon

My wife also left me because of my constant animal puns.

She just couldn’t Bear it…

So she Swanned off…

And took the Kids…

Well at least I no longer have to listen to her bleating on…

otter nonsense

I rang the local ramblers club yesterday.

The bloke at the other end went on and on and on.

ramblers cartoon

Some say a world without sin is ideal,

but there are only so many problems which can be answered

with cos and tan.

trig.circle1

The worst pub I’ve ever been to was called The Fiddle.

It really was a vile inn.

fiddle

If you’re always organizing things, you have OCD.

If you’re always eating things, you have OBCD.

ocd cartoon

This girl came up to me today and

said she recognized me from vegetarian club.

I was confused, I’d never met herbivore.

vegetarian_zombies

How did I get out of Iraq?

Iran.

Iran David_Pope_Iraq_cartoon_Inkspot

I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length.

Must be some kind of milestone.    

measurement chart-length

I’m not a competitive person…

I’ll be the first to admit it.    

competitive

Me and my friend have just been fighting

over which is the best vowel.

I won.      

Letter_i_in_a_red_circle.

Iron man.

What a Fe male.

iron-man

Today, I walked into a restaurant.

“Hi, is my table ready?”

“No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?”

“No, that’s okay.”

“Great, take these to table six then.”

cartoon-waiter-009

What should you say when you see one of the toddlers

on the Intensive Care Unit is playing with a toy donkey?

ICU baby, shaking that ass.

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CLASSIFIED: For Your Eyes Only, Part Nine!!!!!!!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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The year may have changed since the last bunch of Classified ads, but the stupidity continues as you can see from today’s selection.

I hope you find something in here to make you smile this first weekend of 2013.

Enjoy.

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classified ad 201

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classified ad 202

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classified ad 203

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classified ad 204

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classified ad 205

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classified ad 207

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classified ad 208.

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classified ad 210.

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classified ad 211.

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classified ad 212.

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classified ad 213.

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classified ad 214.

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