What’s Ice? – Skid Stuff!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

It will all be over by this time next week, so today has to be the day for a special Christmas helping of seasonal puns.

Get your groans ready – you’re really going to need them this time!

Enjoy.

.

rofl

.

What did Adam say the day before Christmas?

It’s Christmas, Eve!

Dancing-Santa-Reindeer-Funny-Christmas-GIF

.

.

What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet?

The Christmas alphabet has no L.

christmas_animated_gifs_14

.

.

What does Tarzan sing at Christmas time?

Jungle Bells, Jungle bells.

26

.

.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

Claustrophobic.

christmas_animated_gifs_16

.

.

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?

Thanks, I’ll never part with it!

christmas-gift-box13

.

.

How do sheep in Spain say Merry Christmas?

Fleece Navidad!

Merry Christmas Gif 17

.

.

What’s the best present for a train conductor?

Platform shoes.

Christmas train

.

.

What is a parent’s favorite Christmas carol?

Silent Night.

carolers

.

.

Before it starts to sell its Christmas trees

the garden center gets really spruced up!

christmas_animated_gifs_reindeer

.

.

Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?

Because every buck is dear to him.

christmas_animated_gif_41

.

.

What nationality is Santa Claus?

North Polish

dancingsanta_e0

.

.

Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?

Because he had low elf esteem.

christmas-animated-elf

.

.

What Santa had a motorbike instead of a sleigh, what kind would it be?

A Holly Davidson of course!

Holly D Santa biker

.

.

If Santa and Mrs. Claus had a baby, what would he be?

A subordinate Claus.

santa-animated-elf-1

.

.

“Why don’t we ever hear about ‘Olive,’ the 10th reindeer?” asked Bert.

“What 10th Reindeer?” asked Scott.

“You know. Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.”

Santa_and_Reindeer

.

.

What does a reindeer do when he has an upset stomach?

He takes an elk-a-seltzer.

xmas-bird3

.

.

What do you call an ELF who sings?

A Wrapper!

.

.

===================================

.

Cruise Crews Cruises And Cruisers

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 .

It has been a bit if a theme now for a while on Tuesdays to present some silly questions asked by the general public. Today we have a selection of questions that cruisers on cruises have asked of cruise crews.

Apparently you can have enough money for a cruise and still be dumb!

It really is a good job that they don’t make people walk the plank any more.

Enjoy!

.

cartoon cruise ship

.

“Do you make your own electricity on board?”

.

.

“Why can’t I get cable stations?”

.

.

“Are you the Captain?”  (Asked of crew who are clearly not the Captain)

.

.

“Do you actually live on this ship?”

.

.

“Do these stairs go up or down?”

.

.

“Does the crew sleep on board?”

.

.

“Could you call the captain to stop the waves? I am getting seasick.”

.

.

“I just saw the Captain in the dining room. Who is steering the ship?”

.

.

“Is the water in the toilets salty or fresh?”

.

.

“What time does the midnight buffet start?”

.

.

“What do you do with the ice sculptures after they melt?”

.

.

“Can you get these chips on land?”  (Referring to casino chips)

.

.

“Why is it so windy outside?”  (On a cruise liner traveling 30 miles per hour at the time)

.

.

“I see them!”  (The inevitable response from a member of the crowd whenever a casino dealer on a cruise liner played a favorite joke — pointing out “penguins” on a “little piece of ice” during a cruise through Bermuda)

.

.

“So what is the elevation here?”  (On an Alaskan cruise)

.

.

“Why can’t I find a USPC post box in town?”  (In Ocho Rios, Jamaica)

.

.

“I want to change cabins! I paid good money for this cruise, and all I can see is a rusted crane in the harbor!”  (Asked before leaving port)

.

=============================

.

Even When You Expect The Unexpected You Don’t Expect This!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

The answers no one could script, or expect.

More stupidity gone wild when the intellectually challenged make it on to the game shows.

Enjoy.

.

.

Q: Name something you eat too much of

A: ……….food    

food

.

.

Q: Name a country you’d like to visit if you spent a summer in Europe

A: Paris

Paris en Avril

.

.

Q: Name a word that rhymes with coke

A: ……….float

A: Moke

moke mouse mat

.

.

Q: Name something an Indian chief might use

A: Squaw

squaw

.

.

Q: An animal with really good sight

A: Bat

cartoon_bat_by_macki_17-d52noht

.

.

Q: Name a sport in which two people compete against each other

A: Checkers

checkers

.

.

Q: Name something that’s hard to hold on to when it’s slippery

A: A (censored)

censored

.

.

Q: Name a holiday where men buy last minute gifts for their wife

A: Thanksgiving

thanksgiving_cartoon_turkey_pilgrim_keychain

.

.

Q: How long the average honeymoon lasts

A: 2 months

honeymoon cartoon

.

.

Q: Name something people are careful to step over when they’re walking

A: Spit

bystander effect

.

.

Q: Name something that comes in a traveling size

A: Refrigerator

Carrying-A-Fridge

.

.

Q: Name something of yours you hope doesn’t start making noises

A: Your dog

A: Your children

cartoon-boys-with-mischief-on-their-minds

.

.

Q: An animal that begins with “M”

A: Marsupial

cartoon-happy-kangaroo-with-her-joey-in-her-pouch

.

.

Q: What moos?

A: A car

car moo

.

.

Q: Who starred in The Godfather and is also Robert?

A: Marlon Brando

cartoon godfather

.

=============================

.

Have You Heard Of The Herd?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Today was originally scheduled for the latest part in the short series about the curious and amusing phobias some people seem to have. But it’s a holiday week for most of us and I have put that post back until next week.

Instead I feel the urge to say something else. Two things actually.

First one is, have you heard of the herd? In particular the herd mentality, where people do something they have no need to do just because other people are doing it?

It happens a lot. Far too much in fact.

We witnessed it during the recent election campaign where people formed opinions not on the basis of their own analysis of the candidates and policies, but because of something someone else said or something they heard on tv.

We saw it again very recently after the dreadful murders in Connecticut where the unthinking herd ignored the real problem and  jumped on gun control as a solution to senseless attacks such as this. They might as well call for a ban on knives, axes, chainsaws, bows and arrows and gasoline when they are at it as any of these could do the same job in the hands of a mental defective.

And on December 24 we witnessed another example in grocery stores throughout the country (throughout the world even) as hoards of the unthinking joined the herd and bought up bread and food supplies like the shops would not be open again for at least a month. They are open again today you dummies!

These three examples have been going on for years and people never seem to learn, they just keep on following the herd without a thought in their heads.

And this leads me on to point two which is how little thought most of us give to what we are doing and what we are buying the already well off and pampered.

I know for a fact that Santa had orders for laptops and ipads and iphones and all sorts of other expensive playthings. And I also know that he hadn’t the sense to say no, but just bought them anyway. Mea culpa as much as anyone.

Then I got to thinking that life was a lot different when I was a kid. Yes we liked to get presents at Christmas, but they were a lot less sophisticated and a lot less expensive – even in relative terms. When I was eight, for example, I didn’t need a smart phone, or any phone come to think of it, nor was my social life so complicated and hectic that I had to have a chauffeur for all my must-do activities for every day of the week.

When I was a kid we had our toys, but we also had a thing called an imagination and we could make our own fun out of very little.

So what is the problem today? Why are kids so incapable of making their own entertainment? Why are they constantly “bored” without clicking a button on a computer consol or without someone else to do their thinking for them?

Like a lot of other things, it all boils down to money at the end of the day. Now I’m not advocating poverty as a solution to the world’s ills. Far from it. I like to make money, the more the better, and the thought of being, perhaps not rich, but comfortably well off is a very nice one. But if we had to we could all make do with a lot less. And I don’t think we would be any less happier in the process.

People in other countries seem to manage quite well. And they still seem to have the mental capacity to enjoy what little they have and make their fun out of next to nothing. In other words they are happy. If things do ever deteriorate to the extent that some of the doomsday preachers are telling us, there are a lot better prepared people in the world than there are in rich countries like America, or Britain, or Germany, etc.

Think about giving your kid or nephew or niece an old oil drum from the local garbage dump next Christmas instead of an ipod touch or some other overly expensive apple. I wonder how much music and entertainment they could get out of that?

Check out the video and you will see what I mean…

.

Merry Christmas Everyone

No blog post today,

but I would like to take this opportunity

to wish everyone who visits the fasab blog

a very merry Christmas.

.

Thank you for your support over the past ten months of blogging 

and especially to all those who follow and comment,

your contributions are very much appreciated. 

.

click here

It’s Black Friday, Shop ‘Til You Drop

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 .

They call it Black Friday nowadays. It could just as easily have been Red Friday or Purple Friday or Green Friday or Any-Color-You-Like Friday. But the marketing men called it Black Friday and we’re stuck with it.

This is the day when people queue up for hours in the hope of getting something they don’t really need at a discount price they can’t really afford. And sometimes they lose their minds and fight and trample on each other for the dubious privilege.

Ah, the dumbing down of the dumb and the dumber!

When I say dumb and dumber don’t just think I am talking about the uneducated. Not in the least. Some of those for whom schooling was anathema have a lot more street savvy than most, something they have learned in what is sometimes known as the school of hard knocks – in other words, life!

I have learned that idiots come in all shapes and sizes and with all forms of learning and skills. There are smart football players and there are dumb ones. There are smart doctors and there are dumb ones. There are even smart academics and there are the well educated fools who may be exam passing machines but who haven’t the common sense to go to the local store and buy a loaf of bread.

A friend of mine, let’s call him Fred, was a guy like that. He had degrees by the yard, undergraduate, master’s degrees and even a PhD. I suppose I should have called him Dr Fred.

Academically he was brilliant. And a great teacher of academic subjects. He traveled the world and lectured in various schools and colleges to great acclaim.

But Fred hadn’t the common sense of a gnat when it came to commerce. All his life he bought things far too dear but always thought that he had bought them cheap. He was a car salesman’s dream customer, manna from heaven for a realtor, and bread and butter – and chocolate cake with icing – for any shopkeeper selling computing or electronic gear.   

The reason Fred comes to mind today is that he was also one of the idiots who would queue up half the night for a sale bargain, particularly where rare books were concerned. Fred was an avid collector.

Every year our local University bookstore held a one day sale where most of their books were discounted by at least 10 or 20 percent, but where one in particular was discounted by a massive amount, at least by half and sometimes by even more.

One year Fred spotted a book he had been after that was in the sale. It had been reduced from $500 to little over $100 and Fred was determined to have it.

So he spent the night and day before the sale getting as much sleep as he could. Then he made a flask of coffee and a few sandwiches, got a sleeping bag and set off confidently about 3 am in the morning to go to the bookstore to camp out until it opened.  

When he got to the store there was no one around, in fact nothing at all on the street, except for a large cardboard box sitting at the entrance to the shop. Fred quickly surmised that it was extra stock that had been delivered after hours for the sale.

He rolled out his sleeping bag, climbed inside it and settled down for the night. It was about this time of the year and cold, but not freezing or anything too extreme. He was comfortable enough.

The time passed slowly as it usually does at night when you aren’t able to get to sleep or when you are nervously anticipating some event that will happen in the morning. Four o’clock and five o’clock came and went, and at around six o’clock Fred ate his sandwiches and drank his coffee. He was very content. Just another couple of hours to go and the book would be his.  

By seven-thirty it was just beginning to get light. Traffic had started to move along the main streets as people began to make their way to work. The side street where the bookshop was however was still deserted, apart from Fred and the big cardboard box.

And then about ten minutes before eight the staff of the bookstore started to arrive. They smiled at Fred as they walked past and opened the door of the store. They switched the lights on and closed the doors again. Fred knew that they would open them again soon, when they had got themselves organized. Just a few more minutes he thought. Fred stood up and rolled up his sleeping bag, ready to enter the store.

That was when he heard the alarm. It wasn’t very loud and at first Fred thought it was coming from another street nearby. It wasn’t. Then he thought it was coming from inside the bookstore, possibly part of their security system. But it wasn’t that either. And then, before he could think up any other possibilities the alarm stopped just as suddenly as it had started.

Then to Fred’s complete and utter amazement the flaps of the cardboard box flew open and a head came out. It was a young man and as he got to his feet and stretched his arms he looked over at Fred and said, “Morning. You here for the book sale too?”

It was a classic ‘WTF’ moment. But Fred was having trouble grasping what had just happened and he couldn’t get any words from his brain to his lips. So he just stood there, mouth slightly open, trying desperately to piece together what was happening in front of him.

“I’ve done this before,” the young man said cheerfully to Fred. “Best place to be on a cold night is inside a cardboard box. Those old homeless guys know a thing or two I can tell you.”

This time words started to come to Fred. “Were you… did you… have you been… were you in that thing all night?” he eventually spluttered the question out.

“Sure thing,” the young man replied. “Had to get that first edition of..” and he named the book that Fred had his heart set on. “There’s only the one copy, you know.”

Fred did know, boy did he know. But it never occurred to him that someone else might know the value of the book or that they might want it too. It never occurred to him to look at the cardboard box, even though he had been there beside it for most of the night. And it certainly never occurred to him that there might be somebody inside it!

“FFS!” Fred exclaimed, more to himself than anyone else. He didn’t say another word after that. He didn’t go into the bookstore either. He turned and walked away, still not entirely sure, I think, what had just happened.    

 

As for me, you wont get me near a shop tomorrow, bargains or not. If you are going shopping then good luck, this might be what you are letting yourself in for.

===========================

Remembering The Warmness Of The Day

A little change of pace again today.

When I was a kid I loved going to the beach (still do actually).

Every summer, or what passed for a summer, in those days we lived very much up north, there was always great anticipation about an imminent trip to see the sea. First, however, there was the tedious part, the journey there. When you are a kid things like that seem to take forever, but the excitement kept us all going and eventually we were within sight of the beach.

Finding somewhere to park was the next problem. It seemed everybody had the same idea as us. But we always found a spot and quickly gathered up all our beach gear and headed as fast as we could towards the salty fresh air and the inviting water.

While Mom and Dad took care of all the important stuff like organizing towels, seats, even a big umbrella for a bit of shade, we stripped down to our swimwear and ran as fast as we could towards the sea. (I keep calling it the “sea”, but actually it was the Atlantic Ocean.)

Each year we did the same thing, and each year we learned nothing from the year before.

On we galloped into the water and approximately 1.25 seconds after that we remembered.

The cold.

Sooooooo cold.

The water that looked so inviting was so very, very cold.

For an old person the shock might well have been too much for the system. But when you are young you tend to shrug off these minor discomforts. We were at the beach, and we were in the sea. That’s all that mattered.

After a while it didn’t feel so cold. Our feet and legs had grown accustomed to the temperature. Actually our feet and legs were probably numb by this time and would not have felt it if we had been standing in boiling water either.

And then just as we were starting to enjoy the whole experience, in would come a big wave and it would splash all over our upper bodies which had not been in the water yet and had not been given the chance to go completely numb.

It was always a “WTF” moment, even in the days when we didn’t know what “WTF” meant!

But there was nothing else available so we were none the wiser and made the best of it. There were also a few laughs too.

A friend, George, was always good for one or two. George fancied himself as a bit of an underwater expert and he always had a face mask and snorkel with him. Trouble was when George launched himself for an underwater expedition only his head ever went under the water. Most of the rest of him was in the fresh air. He must have had great natural buoyancy.

That was funny enough, but then someone (yes, sometimes me) would push the little ball thingumy into the snorkel pipe which soon provoked a serious amount of splashing and gasping for air as George’s head resurfaced. He was never very pleased, but the rest of us cracked up.

Then there was usually some unfortunate kid whose granny had bought him (or maybe even made) his swimming trunks. On dry land and even going into the water these were fine and looked quite normal, but coming out to go back up to the beach was quite another thing. You see the material they were made of often as not was water absorbent and these poor souls lumbered their way out of the ocean with a crotch full of icy water dragging between their knees. They must have weighed a ton and it’s a miracle they stayed on at all. It was so funny and I daren’t say what names we called them. Kids can be so cruel.

That was the “refreshing dip” over. We spent the next hour or two on the beach, first getting dried and then lying in the sun thawing out. Then it was off to get something to eat and on to the amusement park to go on a few rides there and spend more pennies in the various slot machines and games.

When it was time to leave both us and our money supply were exhausted. The trip home was a lot shorter, mainly because we slept most of the way. But the day had been good. Enjoyed by all. And the memories were selective. We’d do it again, soon, but we would never remember the coldness of the water, just the warmness of the day.