I Can’t Stand X-Rays. They Go Right Through Me.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Some people feel the same way about puns.

I hope that doesn’t include you though.

So here are some more to….

Enjoy or endure!

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I didn’t know how to spell “plagiarized”

so I copied and pasted it.

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A foreign lady at the market held

two pineapples up to me yesterday and said

“I give you two for one sir”.

It seemed like a fair swap, but unfortunately

I didn’t have a pineapple on me.

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I got a luxury prize for using the correct

punctuation mark to denote ownership.

It was a posh trophy.

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Whenever I go on a long country ramble,

I always take a good reliable compass with me.

You just never know when you might need to draw a circle.

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Postman knocked on my door the other day and asked,

“Is this letter for you? The name is smudged.”

I said, “No, It’s not for me, my name’s Smith.”

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Went to a funfair the other day and saw that

the sign advertising it was missing the first F.

That’s just unfair.

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A new book out today:

the Korean canine training manual

50 Ways to Wok your Dog

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“But, Holmes, what kind of rock could be formed

by deposition and consolidation of mineral and organic material

and from the precipitation of minerals from a solution?”

“Sedimentary, my dear Watson.”

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I tried to order some tennis balls

off the internet last night

but the site kept crashing.

Must be having problems with their server.

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A new Muslim version of Playboy is being published.

The model for the centerfold has just been unveiled.

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I was going to make a herb garden the other day,

but I just haven’t got the thyme.

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I failed Geography at school.

I couldn’t find the exam room

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Have you noticed that prison walls

are never built to scale.

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I was on holiday in Spain when a friend  phoned me.

“How’s the hotel?” he asked.

“Well, I can’t complain, “ I replied.

“Oh, that’s good then,” he said.

I said, “No, it’s terrible! I just don’t speak the lingo.”

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A guy is climbing to the top of Mount Everest.

He has two steps to go when one of them notices

the heel on his right shoe is a little loose,

yet he decides to continue.

At the next step, the heel comes off and

the guy goes tumbling down the mountain.

As he goes by, he passes a couple of climbers.

First climber: Think we should help him?

Second climber: No, as he was going down

I heard him singing

“You picked a fine time to leave me, loose heel.”

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It’s Hard To Explain How Good I Am At Describing Things!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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But I can still describe today 

–  it’s Pun Day!

Enjoy or endure!

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If you think you dream in color,

is it just a pigment of your imagination?

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My boss fired me for complaining about the office escalator,

It didn’t go down well.

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First guy: “What would you do if your son told you he was gay?”

Second guy: “I’d buy him a straight jacket.”

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Paddy goes for a job interview at a chemical factory.

The manager asks, “Have you worked with chemicals before?”

Paddy replies, “Yes.”

The manager then asks, “Can you tell me what nitrate is?”

Paddy replies, “Yes, it’s time and a half.”

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I was on holiday in the Alps

when I saw a sign saying ‘Ski Hire’.

So I went a bit further up the slope.

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I’ve just bought a shire horse.

As if my other horse wasn’t shy enough.

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I keep having recurring nightmares where

I’m in a hospital surrounded by loads of pregnant women.

Could I be going through a midwife crisis?

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I’ve just got a job testing hover boards.

The money’s not great,

but it keeps me off the streets.

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Pirate cheerleaders have it easy.

“Give me an R!”…

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A guy came up to me the other day and said,

“I’m a 3-5 stringed instrument of the harp family,

popular among nobles in medieval Europe.”

I said, “You’re a lyre!”

 

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It will be Google’s birthday soon.

They’re planning a search party.

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I went for a depression test.

Came back negative.

Oh, NO!

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I rang SeaWorld the other day,

because I wanted some information.

Before I got through to an employee,

I got a tape telling me

“This call may be recorded for training porpoises.”

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If someone asks you to

spell “Part A” backwards,

don’t do it.

It’s a trap……

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Steppenwolf was an assumed name.

He was born Toby Wild.

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What’s Ice? – Skid Stuff!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It will all be over by this time next week, so today has to be the day for a special Christmas helping of seasonal puns.

Get your groans ready – you’re really going to need them this time!

Enjoy.

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What did Adam say the day before Christmas?

It’s Christmas, Eve!

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What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet?

The Christmas alphabet has no L.

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What does Tarzan sing at Christmas time?

Jungle Bells, Jungle bells.

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What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

Claustrophobic.

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What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?

Thanks, I’ll never part with it!

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How do sheep in Spain say Merry Christmas?

Fleece Navidad!

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What’s the best present for a train conductor?

Platform shoes.

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What is a parent’s favorite Christmas carol?

Silent Night.

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Before it starts to sell its Christmas trees

the garden center gets really spruced up!

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Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?

Because every buck is dear to him.

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What nationality is Santa Claus?

North Polish

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Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?

Because he had low elf esteem.

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What Santa had a motorbike instead of a sleigh, what kind would it be?

A Holly Davidson of course!

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If Santa and Mrs. Claus had a baby, what would he be?

A subordinate Claus.

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“Why don’t we ever hear about ‘Olive,’ the 10th reindeer?” asked Bert.

“What 10th Reindeer?” asked Scott.

“You know. Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.”

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What does a reindeer do when he has an upset stomach?

He takes an elk-a-seltzer.

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What do you call an ELF who sings?

A Wrapper!

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You Know What They Used To Say In The Middle Ages, “Resistance Is Feudal”

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Happily we don’t live in the middle ages, so now resistance is futile.

If you haven’t guessed already….

It’s pun day!

Enjoy.

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I’m in a band called Atom

We’ll never split.

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I’ve been drawing bar graphs, pie charts

and venn diagrams all over walls in town.

I’m a graphitti artist.

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We were going for a picnic today and my husband

asked me to get some ice and a cooler bag.

I thought, “That’s a bit harsh,

there’s nothing wrong with my current bag”.

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Can someone give me a definition of homosexuality,

in lay-men’s terms?

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On the investment front I’m worried that my shares in a

major cordial company are going to be diluted.

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Don’t trust people who avoid the sun.

They’re shady.

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Signing up to a mailing list has done nothing to

quell my addiction for German poetry.

I’m getting verse by the day.

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According to a survey,

seven out of ten people use the double negative.

I ain’t never heard such nonsense in my life.

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The horse came galloping towards me,

the sun glistening off the rider’s armour, helmet and lance,

which I realised was aimed at my head.

Man, those knight-vision goggles are really awesome!

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Running a bingo hall is more than just a job.

It’s a calling.

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Whilst on holiday near lake Geneva

I purchased a large bottle of mineral water

I struggled to carry it though,

it was an evian.

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There are two i’s in narcissist

and they absolutely hate each other.

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After a terrible Chinese meal last night, I refused to pay.

Unfortunately the chef heard what I said and pinned me up against the wall,

threatening me with a pan unless I paid up.

Talk about being stuck between a wok and a hard place.

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I saw a man with a bald patch earlier.

I thought, “He’s obviously trying to cut down, or quit being bald”.

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It appears that smoking heroin is

far better for addicts than injecting it,

needleless to say.

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A girl from Prague stopped me in town earlier and

asked where the best shop for clothes was.

I said “Check Republic.”

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What do you call a brittle Scotsman?

A Glasswegian.

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I hate it when people make jokes about Vietnam.

It Hanoi’s me.

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Jay-Z? A psychiatrist?

Must be Shrink Rap.

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We spent a fortune on electrocution lessons for our son.

Until he learned to speak properly.

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Clones Are People Two.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Great news today!

The September puns start here.

I know you will, but I’ll say it anyway.

Enjoy!

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My son broke his Apple computer today and

had the audacity to ask me to buy him a new one.

I just told him, “Apples don’t grow on trees you know!”

 

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I didn’t hear the sea when I held a Shell up.

I did, however, get six years in jail

for armed robbery of a gas station.

 

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NBC have commissioned my new show about

what goes on inside an airplane cockpit.

We’re filming the pilot next week.

 

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A man walks into a library and says

“I hope you don’t have a book on reverse psychology.”

 

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People used to tell me being blind would

hinder my chances of becoming a comedian.

Who’s laughing now?

 

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My cheating ex-girlfriend was called Tulsa.

Looking back, she was aslut.

 

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My friend recently moved in with his girlfriend

and her massive magazine collection.

But when she refused to part with them he left her.

Apparently she had too many issues.

 

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I’m not worried about the Third World War.

That’s the Third World’s Problem.

 

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I have got a bit of a reputation as a ladies man in my local bar.

All I can say is, they smell so much cleaner than the gents.

 

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Some guy broke into my house last night.

Thankfully the only thing he took was one of my bullets.

 

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My father’s answer to everything was alcohol.

He didn’t drink, he was just bad at quizzes.

 

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I recently went on a holiday to a place called Romania.

It was useless; no one was even rowing.

 

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A guy I know has invented a new hobby

called “blindfold plane watching”.

Can’t see it taking off.

 

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I was watching a DVD on my laptop when I thought,

“Maybe it would be better if I put it in.”

 

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My wife told me she was absolutely fed up with the world.

“Why?” I asked

“Arrogant people like you!” she screamed back.

I said “Yeah they do, don’t they?”

 

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Someone has been pretending to be Mr T by using a similar name,

but no-one knows his real identity.

It’s a Mr E.

 

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I’m reading a book about the Titanic at the moment,

and the experts speculate that the designer of the Titanic had a lisp.

That’s unthinkable!

 

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I went to the shop and said, “I need a battery so I can tell the time.”

The man said, “Is it for a clock?”

I said, “How do I know, that’s why I asked you for a battery.”

 

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I won $2 million on the lottery this weekend

so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

Now I have $ 1,999,999.75.

 

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I’ll leave you with a word of warning.

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Even When You Expect The Unexpected You Don’t Expect This!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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The answers no one could script, or expect.

More stupidity gone wild when the intellectually challenged make it on to the game shows.

Enjoy.

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Q: Name something you eat too much of

A: ……….food    

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Q: Name a country you’d like to visit if you spent a summer in Europe

A: Paris

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Q: Name a word that rhymes with coke

A: ……….float

A: Moke

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Q: Name something an Indian chief might use

A: Squaw

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Q: An animal with really good sight

A: Bat

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Q: Name a sport in which two people compete against each other

A: Checkers

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Q: Name something that’s hard to hold on to when it’s slippery

A: A (censored)

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Q: Name a holiday where men buy last minute gifts for their wife

A: Thanksgiving

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Q: How long the average honeymoon lasts

A: 2 months

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Q: Name something people are careful to step over when they’re walking

A: Spit

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Q: Name something that comes in a traveling size

A: Refrigerator

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Q: Name something of yours you hope doesn’t start making noises

A: Your dog

A: Your children

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Q: An animal that begins with “M”

A: Marsupial

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Q: What moos?

A: A car

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Q: Who starred in The Godfather and is also Robert?

A: Marlon Brando

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Do You Have To Fail A Test To Get On These Programs?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Another round of answers given by less than smart contestants on television and radio quiz shows.

It all makes me wonder what test do you have to do to get on these shows?

And does passing rule you out of taking part in the programs?

Enjoy.

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Q: Name a city in Arizona          

A: Tampa Bay

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Q: Someone, living or dead, many people hate  

A: Rodney Dangerfield   

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Q: Name a foreign country that you would want to visit  

A: Pakistan

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Q: Name a holiday named after a person           

A: January

A: Easter

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Q: The perfect dessert for a supermodel           

A: Chocolate Cake

A: Brownies      

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Q: The most famous Disney character, other than Mickey Mouse

A: The road runner

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Q: Name a city that begins with “San”    

A: Seattle

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Q: An occupation requiring a college degree      

A: Vice president          

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Q: An animal that starts with “D,” besides “dog”

A: Dragon

A: Dachshund   

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Q: Name something people buy to impress other people           

A: Motorhome   

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Q: The most enjoyable award show on television           

A ……….Family Feud (She heard “game show”)  

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Q: Name a country in Africa      

A: South America

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Q: Name something people drink when they have a cold

A: Vick’s

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Q: Name a city named after a president 

A: Carson City  

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Q: Name a man’s “best friend”  

A: Rubies

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And then I found this. Sorry!

CLASSIFIED: For Your Eyes Only, Part Nine!!!!!!!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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The year may have changed since the last bunch of Classified ads, but the stupidity continues as you can see from today’s selection.

I hope you find something in here to make you smile this first weekend of 2013.

Enjoy.

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CLASSIFIED: For Your Eyes Only, Part Eight!!!!!!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Part eight of the series on classified ads written by the intellectually challenged.

They probably thought what they said was smart. In fact they probably thought that what they said was what they said, only when you read what they said, they said something they didn’t mean to say. If you see what I mean. You soon will.

Enjoy!

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Have You Heard Of The Herd?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Today was originally scheduled for the latest part in the short series about the curious and amusing phobias some people seem to have. But it’s a holiday week for most of us and I have put that post back until next week.

Instead I feel the urge to say something else. Two things actually.

First one is, have you heard of the herd? In particular the herd mentality, where people do something they have no need to do just because other people are doing it?

It happens a lot. Far too much in fact.

We witnessed it during the recent election campaign where people formed opinions not on the basis of their own analysis of the candidates and policies, but because of something someone else said or something they heard on tv.

We saw it again very recently after the dreadful murders in Connecticut where the unthinking herd ignored the real problem and  jumped on gun control as a solution to senseless attacks such as this. They might as well call for a ban on knives, axes, chainsaws, bows and arrows and gasoline when they are at it as any of these could do the same job in the hands of a mental defective.

And on December 24 we witnessed another example in grocery stores throughout the country (throughout the world even) as hoards of the unthinking joined the herd and bought up bread and food supplies like the shops would not be open again for at least a month. They are open again today you dummies!

These three examples have been going on for years and people never seem to learn, they just keep on following the herd without a thought in their heads.

And this leads me on to point two which is how little thought most of us give to what we are doing and what we are buying the already well off and pampered.

I know for a fact that Santa had orders for laptops and ipads and iphones and all sorts of other expensive playthings. And I also know that he hadn’t the sense to say no, but just bought them anyway. Mea culpa as much as anyone.

Then I got to thinking that life was a lot different when I was a kid. Yes we liked to get presents at Christmas, but they were a lot less sophisticated and a lot less expensive – even in relative terms. When I was eight, for example, I didn’t need a smart phone, or any phone come to think of it, nor was my social life so complicated and hectic that I had to have a chauffeur for all my must-do activities for every day of the week.

When I was a kid we had our toys, but we also had a thing called an imagination and we could make our own fun out of very little.

So what is the problem today? Why are kids so incapable of making their own entertainment? Why are they constantly “bored” without clicking a button on a computer consol or without someone else to do their thinking for them?

Like a lot of other things, it all boils down to money at the end of the day. Now I’m not advocating poverty as a solution to the world’s ills. Far from it. I like to make money, the more the better, and the thought of being, perhaps not rich, but comfortably well off is a very nice one. But if we had to we could all make do with a lot less. And I don’t think we would be any less happier in the process.

People in other countries seem to manage quite well. And they still seem to have the mental capacity to enjoy what little they have and make their fun out of next to nothing. In other words they are happy. If things do ever deteriorate to the extent that some of the doomsday preachers are telling us, there are a lot better prepared people in the world than there are in rich countries like America, or Britain, or Germany, etc.

Think about giving your kid or nephew or niece an old oil drum from the local garbage dump next Christmas instead of an ipod touch or some other overly expensive apple. I wonder how much music and entertainment they could get out of that?

Check out the video and you will see what I mean…

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