Try Braking, It Gives Your Driving A Bit Of 00mph.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It’s pun day.

The gift that just keeps on giving.

Try out this latest selection of word play gems.

Enjoy!

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When she lost her job in a toothpaste factory

for dropping the toothpaste tubes,

the girl was completely crestfallen.

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The first meteorologists who studied fog were mistified.

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This couple went on a sea cruise to sea if they could save their marriage,

but they soon drifted apart!

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The guy always cheated at golf,

he didn’t play the fairway.

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I was telling a friend last night

that I made $1,000 by selling manure.

He said, “That’s gross.”

I said, “No, that’s net.”

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What do you get if you eat a Blackberry?

A Bluetooth.

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My sex life is unbelievable.

Whenever I tell people I have a sex life,

they don’t believe me.

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I can’t understand why my new automatic

air freshener doesn’t work even though

I’ve just put brand new batteries in it.

It just doesn’t make scents.

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If you crossed a fortune teller with a prostitute

would you get your whoroscope!

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Tom said to his friend, “I think we should feed my wife herbicide.”

The friend said, “weed killer?”

“My point exactly,” Tom replied.

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I was throwing rice at an Indian wedding

and accidentally started a pilau fight.

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When I worked in a building supplies store,

one day this guy came in shouting and swearing

about needing something to fill a big hole in his wall.

Needless to say, I showed him the door.

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17 days until I stop using aerosol deodorants.

Roll on!

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When I took my car in for a service

the guy at the shop said it would soon

need a new pair of shock absorbers.

He didn’t say when though

– the suspension’s killing me.

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As a grown man I feel awkward admitting that I still play with my train set,

so I hide it under the duvet.

No one will find it now, I’ve covered my tracks.

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I was having dinner with Mr T and he said,

“Don’t talk with your mouth full!”

I said, “How else would I talk? And I ain’t no fool.”

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I was surprised when my psychic friend complimented

me on the way I had cooked his steak.

“Well done” is rare from a medium.

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I travel the land,

Asking rides from kind strangers:

I’m a hitchhaiku.

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An old lady at the park said to me today,

“I see your dog’s fetching balls.”

I said, “I know, but, at your age,

you shouldn’t really be looking.”

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After feeling a little depressed lately,

so I decided to treat myself to the new Jay-Z endorsed back-scratcher.

Now I’ve got 99 problems but an itch ain’t one.

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I’m Beginning To Feel I’m Bean Stalked!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, it’s pun day, the day we all love  –  well most of us do anyway.

Enjoy this latest selection!

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When does a cow make the most noise?

When she’s feeling moooooody!

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I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with

a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides.

I picked it up and threw it.

It flew for more than 300 yards.

I’m sure that must have been a record.

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There was a ghost at the hotel,

so they called for an inn spectre.

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Me and my friends are in a band called Duvet.

We’re a cover band.

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Messing with your computer’s memory chip

can have lasting RAMifications

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My girlfriend got sacked from work and then lost her appeal.

I only found her appealing because she had a well paid job.

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This one is just messed up.

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I sell balloons for 10p each or if you want them blown up it’s 15p.

I’ve adjusted the price to allow for inflation.

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A picture may be worth a thousand words,

but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

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I lost my mood ring.

I don’t know how I feel about this.

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I beat my wife up this morning.

She got up at 7.30, I was up at 7.

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Why did I divide sin by tan?

Just cos.

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With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

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I was recently asked about my views on euthanasia.

I said they all look the same to me.

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Nostalgia.

It’s not what it used to be.

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I just received an envelope marked – Photographs Do Not Bend.

The Mailman has, however, proven that they do.

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I fell on my arm and had to have an operation on my funny bone.

I was in stitches for two weeks.

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I’ve just got my son a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas.

Although what he wants with an ex box I’ll never know.

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A man goes home to his wife and shows her his

latest tattoo of a spreadsheet on his chest.

“You’ve really Excelled yourself this time!” she says.

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When a hospital runs out of maternity nurses

do they have a mid-wife crisis?

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