Try Braking, It Gives Your Driving A Bit Of 00mph.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It’s pun day.

The gift that just keeps on giving.

Try out this latest selection of word play gems.

Enjoy!

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When she lost her job in a toothpaste factory

for dropping the toothpaste tubes,

the girl was completely crestfallen.

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The first meteorologists who studied fog were mistified.

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This couple went on a sea cruise to sea if they could save their marriage,

but they soon drifted apart!

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The guy always cheated at golf,

he didn’t play the fairway.

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I was telling a friend last night

that I made $1,000 by selling manure.

He said, “That’s gross.”

I said, “No, that’s net.”

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What do you get if you eat a Blackberry?

A Bluetooth.

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My sex life is unbelievable.

Whenever I tell people I have a sex life,

they don’t believe me.

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I can’t understand why my new automatic

air freshener doesn’t work even though

I’ve just put brand new batteries in it.

It just doesn’t make scents.

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If you crossed a fortune teller with a prostitute

would you get your whoroscope!

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Tom said to his friend, “I think we should feed my wife herbicide.”

The friend said, “weed killer?”

“My point exactly,” Tom replied.

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I was throwing rice at an Indian wedding

and accidentally started a pilau fight.

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When I worked in a building supplies store,

one day this guy came in shouting and swearing

about needing something to fill a big hole in his wall.

Needless to say, I showed him the door.

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17 days until I stop using aerosol deodorants.

Roll on!

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When I took my car in for a service

the guy at the shop said it would soon

need a new pair of shock absorbers.

He didn’t say when though

– the suspension’s killing me.

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As a grown man I feel awkward admitting that I still play with my train set,

so I hide it under the duvet.

No one will find it now, I’ve covered my tracks.

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I was having dinner with Mr T and he said,

“Don’t talk with your mouth full!”

I said, “How else would I talk? And I ain’t no fool.”

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I was surprised when my psychic friend complimented

me on the way I had cooked his steak.

“Well done” is rare from a medium.

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I travel the land,

Asking rides from kind strangers:

I’m a hitchhaiku.

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An old lady at the park said to me today,

“I see your dog’s fetching balls.”

I said, “I know, but, at your age,

you shouldn’t really be looking.”

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After feeling a little depressed lately,

so I decided to treat myself to the new Jay-Z endorsed back-scratcher.

Now I’ve got 99 problems but an itch ain’t one.

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For Sale: Replica Fisherman’s Knife (Made To Scale).

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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First pun day of August folks.

The months may change but pun day is forever, or until I run out of puns whichever comes first.

So here are today’s selection.

I hope you enjoy them.

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I’ve decided to take the day off today.

I’m just going to call it to.

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I’m in a heavy metal band.

I play lead.

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I filled my car up with gasoline this morning.

Wish I hadn’t now, the seats are ruined.

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Is nothing built in America any more?

I got a new TV the other day and on the box it said

‘BUILT IN ANTENNA’.

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My garden is only 36 inches wide.

More like a yard.

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My grandfather is a Cold War veteran

He can’t afford to put the heating on.

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It’s not hard getting to work in the snow,

you just need a bit of grit.

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My neighbor just showed me his new wind turbine.

I was blown away,

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Well the judge said that from now on

I can only see my children with supervision.

I said why, how far away will they be?

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I dropped my cell phone in the bath yesterday.

I said to my wife, “My phone is finished”.

She said, “It might still work, have you tried ringing it?”

I said, “Yes, but not much water is coming out”.

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I just bought an alcoholic ginger beer.

He wasn’t pleased.

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Sometimes I enjoy my steak under cooked,

Of course, that’s rare.

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I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

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In class today the teacher gave me a square piece of paper

and asked if I could turn it into an octagon.

“Sure,” I said. “I’ll have it done for next week, sir.”

“No, I need it now,” was the reply.

“Okay, I’ll have to cut a few corners though.”

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I was chatting to a couple of girls today.

I said, “Give me your numbers and we can go out for a drink sometime”.

One of the girls said, “Okay, give us two secs.”

I said, “No problem, that’s exactly what I had in mind.”

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I’ve invented a device called a ‘base-ball.’

I’m thinking of pitching it on Shark Tank.

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I walked past some joggers in the park today.

They weren’t very fast.

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I was at the observatory the other day.

The astronomer said to me, “Look at this massive star!”

I replied, “Actually, that’s a cluster of stars, if it’s any constellation.”

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I went to the Natural History Museum and

saw the two bees that Noah took with him.

They were in the archives.

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Now, for the final trick, I’m going to turn this

Grandfather clock to one hundredth of its original size…

Watch….

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