I’m Beginning To Feel I’m Bean Stalked!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, it’s pun day, the day we all love  –  well most of us do anyway.

Enjoy this latest selection!

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When does a cow make the most noise?

When she’s feeling moooooody!

moody-cow_design

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I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with

a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides.

I picked it up and threw it.

It flew for more than 300 yards.

I’m sure that must have been a record.

vinyl-record

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There was a ghost at the hotel,

so they called for an inn spectre.

ghost hotel

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Me and my friends are in a band called Duvet.

We’re a cover band.

Cartoon_Rock_Band

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Messing with your computer’s memory chip

can have lasting RAMifications

memory chip ram

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My girlfriend got sacked from work and then lost her appeal.

I only found her appealing because she had a well paid job.

trump-youre-fired

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This one is just messed up.

messed up

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I sell balloons for 10p each or if you want them blown up it’s 15p.

I’ve adjusted the price to allow for inflation.

balloon seller cartoon

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A picture may be worth a thousand words,

but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

a_picture_is_worth_1000_words

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I lost my mood ring.

I don’t know how I feel about this.

Mood-Chart-Color

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I beat my wife up this morning.

She got up at 7.30, I was up at 7.

sleeping_wife

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Why did I divide sin by tan?

Just cos.

sin divided by tan

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With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

wedding cartoon

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I was recently asked about my views on euthanasia.

I said they all look the same to me.

Youth-in-Asia

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Nostalgia.

It’s not what it used to be.

nostalgia

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I just received an envelope marked – Photographs Do Not Bend.

The Mailman has, however, proven that they do.

Photos Do Not Bend

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I fell on my arm and had to have an operation on my funny bone.

I was in stitches for two weeks.

stitches

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I’ve just got my son a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas.

Although what he wants with an ex box I’ll never know.

cardboard box flat

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A man goes home to his wife and shows her his

latest tattoo of a spreadsheet on his chest.

“You’ve really Excelled yourself this time!” she says.

tattoo-non-vat-spreadsheet

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When a hospital runs out of maternity nurses

do they have a mid-wife crisis?

Midwife-Crisis

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I Can Hardly Believe it, They’re Getting Dumber – More Quiz Show Answers

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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What I said in the title of today’s selection of quiz show answers is very true. They are getting dumber!

Another thing that we can establish beyond reasonable doubt is that stupid people should not be allowed near bicycles.

Here’s this week’s lot, you’ll see what I mean.

Enjoy.  

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Q: In books that are written in English, each line is printed and read starting at which side of the page?     

A: The right      

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Q: The song by Elvis that on its reissue in 2005 became the 1000th number one single in UK chart history is entitled “One…” what?   

A: A Little Less Conversation     

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Q: In solid geometry, What H is the name given to half a sphere?            

A: Half a circle  

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Q: Which iconic cartoon family made their film debut in 2007, 20 years after their show was first broadcast on American television?        

A: The Osbournes

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Q: How many wheels does a unicycle have?       

A: Two 

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Q: In medicine, the phrase “contagious disease” literally means an illness that is spread by which of the five senses?        

A: Sight.          

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Q: In science, what was the surname of the German physicist who is credited with the invention of the mercury thermometer?            

A: Mercury       

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Q: In slang, which three-letter word precedes “shop” to make a rhyming term for a police station? 

A: Nick

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Q: The role of the plump teenager Tracy Turnblad, played by Nikki Blonsky in the 2007 film “Hairspray,” was played in the 1988 original by Ricki who?        

A: Tomlinson

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Q:  Name the funny men who once entertained kings and queens at court. 

A:  Lepers.

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Q:  Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year? 

A:  I don’t know, I need a clue.

Q.:  OK. What do beans come in?

A:  Cartons?

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Q:  Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World? 

A:  I don’t know.

 

Q:  I’ll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?

A:  Arm.

 

Q:  Correct. And if you’re not weak, you’re . . .?

A:  Strong.

 

Q:  Correct – and what was Lord Mountbatten’s first name?

A:  Louis.

 

Q:  Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful

World?

A:  Frank Sinatra?

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Q:  What is the capital of Italy? 

A:  France.

 

Q:  France is another country. Try again.

A:  Oh, um, Benidorm.

 

Q:  Wrong, sorry, let’s try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

A:  Sorry, I don’t know.

 

Q:  Just guess a country then.

A:  Paris.

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Q:  What is another name for ‘cherrypickers’ and ‘cheesemongers’? 

A:  Homosexuals. 

Q:  No. They’re regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

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Q:  Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the Conservative Party? 

A:  The Conservative Party.

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Q: How many wheels are there on a unicycle? 

A:  Three.

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Q:  In traffic, what ‘J’ is where two roads meet?

A:  Jool carriageway

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Q:  How many metres are there in a kilometre? 

A:  Three.

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Q:  How many wheels does a tricycle have? 

A:  Two.

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Q:  What was Gandhi’s first name?

A:  Goosey, goosey

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Don’t Call Me A Cannibal! – Oh, oh, We’re In Court Again!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It’s been a while since I raided the court archives. So here are a few more examples of the level of intelligence you can expect, not only from untrained Joe Public called to give evidence, but from the supposedly highly trained lawyers, supposedly!

Enjoy.

 

 

District Attorney: What happened next, Ma’am?

Witness: He unzipped his pants and pulled out his subpoena.

Judge: Any motions, counsel?

Counsel: I move to dismiss, Your Honor. All my client did was pull out a subpoena. There’s no law against that.

Judge: Counsel, if the witness doesn’t know the difference between a penis and a subpoena that’s her problem. Held to answer!

 

 

 

Judge: If that be your verdict, so say you all

2 Jurors:  “you all”

 

 

 

Judge: Any member of your immediate family or yourself ever been the victim of a crime or robbery?

Juror: My mother had her purse snatched

Judge: How long ago was that?

Juror: Ten, fifteen years ago

Judge: Was she hurt at all in the snatch?

 

 

 

Judge:  What made you bite the police officer?

Witness:  He stuck his arm in my mouth

 

 

 

Q: Were you the lone ranger on duty that night?

A: I was a park ranger on duty that night

Q: I mean the only one, the lone

A: You mean alone?

Q Alone

A: Yes, I was

 

 

 

Q: Do you speak Spanish, Officer?

A: Yes, I do

Q: Are you fluent in Spanish?

A: Yes, I do

 

 

 

Q: Are you being selective about what you remember and what you don’t remember as to the details of your previous record?

A: I don’t remember.

 

 

 

Q: Do you have any problem with the English language?

A: No, I speak very good English.

Q: Great. Do you know Andre?

A: That’s my cousin.

Q: Have you known him all your life?

A: Since we grewed up.

 

 

 

Q: Now, do you recall the date the accident occurred?

A: Yes, sir.

Q: What date was it?

A: It was a hot day in August.

Q: Did you drink any alcohol?

A: No, sir.

Q: Are you a teetotaler?

A: Not really. Just coffee once in a while, like in the morning.

 

 

 

Q: And y’all had a very intimate relationship, didn’t you, Ms. A?

A: We had sex two times. It wasn’t very intimate.

 

 

 

A: Yeah, I used to be around with him a lot. Me and his nephew run together.?

Q: Who is his nephew?

A: Pokey. I think he’s doing time now.

Q: Pokey is Kenny’s nephew and is doing time now? Are you saying Pokey is in the pokey?

A: Yeah.

 

 

 

District Attorney: Defense Counsel is accountable to you (the jury)

Counsel: Judge I object to that. I object to him referring to me as a cannibal, Judge

Judge:  He said accountable

Counsel: A what?

Judge: He said accountable, not a cannibal

Counsel:  It sounded like cannibal to me and I object

It Sounded like cannibal to me

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