You Know What They Used To Say In The Middle Ages, “Resistance Is Feudal”

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Happily we don’t live in the middle ages, so now resistance is futile.

If you haven’t guessed already….

It’s pun day!

Enjoy.

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rofl

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I’m in a band called Atom

We’ll never split.

Stylised_Lithium_Atom

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I’ve been drawing bar graphs, pie charts

and venn diagrams all over walls in town.

I’m a graphitti artist.

bar graphs, pie charts and venn diagrams

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We were going for a picnic today and my husband

asked me to get some ice and a cooler bag.

I thought, “That’s a bit harsh,

there’s nothing wrong with my current bag”.

cooler_bag_full

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Can someone give me a definition of homosexuality,

in lay-men’s terms?

gay_closet

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On the investment front I’m worried that my shares in a

major cordial company are going to be diluted.

raspberry-cordial

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Don’t trust people who avoid the sun.

They’re shady.

shady people

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Signing up to a mailing list has done nothing to

quell my addiction for German poetry.

I’m getting verse by the day.

German poetry

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According to a survey,

seven out of ten people use the double negative.

I ain’t never heard such nonsense in my life.

do not put nothing here

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The horse came galloping towards me,

the sun glistening off the rider’s armour, helmet and lance,

which I realised was aimed at my head.

Man, those knight-vision goggles are really awesome!

knight

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Running a bingo hall is more than just a job.

It’s a calling.

bingo-hall

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Whilst on holiday near lake Geneva

I purchased a large bottle of mineral water

I struggled to carry it though,

it was an evian.

evian bottle

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There are two i’s in narcissist

and they absolutely hate each other.

narcissism-and-preaching

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After a terrible Chinese meal last night, I refused to pay.

Unfortunately the chef heard what I said and pinned me up against the wall,

threatening me with a pan unless I paid up.

Talk about being stuck between a wok and a hard place.

AntCreationsChineseChef

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I saw a man with a bald patch earlier.

I thought, “He’s obviously trying to cut down, or quit being bald”.

bald-spot

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It appears that smoking heroin is

far better for addicts than injecting it,

needleless to say.

druggie cartoon

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A girl from Prague stopped me in town earlier and

asked where the best shop for clothes was.

I said “Check Republic.”

republic store

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What do you call a brittle Scotsman?

A Glasswegian.

Scotsman

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I hate it when people make jokes about Vietnam.

It Hanoi’s me.

Vietnam Map

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Jay-Z? A psychiatrist?

Must be Shrink Rap.

jay-z

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We spent a fortune on electrocution lessons for our son.

Until he learned to speak properly.

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Try Braking, It Gives Your Driving A Bit Of 00mph.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It’s pun day.

The gift that just keeps on giving.

Try out this latest selection of word play gems.

Enjoy!

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When she lost her job in a toothpaste factory

for dropping the toothpaste tubes,

the girl was completely crestfallen.

Crest_toothpaste

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The first meteorologists who studied fog were mistified.

fog-06

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This couple went on a sea cruise to sea if they could save their marriage,

but they soon drifted apart!

cruise ship

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The guy always cheated at golf,

he didn’t play the fairway.

golf cheat cartoon

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I was telling a friend last night

that I made $1,000 by selling manure.

He said, “That’s gross.”

I said, “No, that’s net.”

manure happens

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What do you get if you eat a Blackberry?

A Bluetooth.

blackberry

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My sex life is unbelievable.

Whenever I tell people I have a sex life,

they don’t believe me.

sex life

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I can’t understand why my new automatic

air freshener doesn’t work even though

I’ve just put brand new batteries in it.

It just doesn’t make scents.

Automatic-Air-Freshener

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If you crossed a fortune teller with a prostitute

would you get your whoroscope!

whoroscope

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Tom said to his friend, “I think we should feed my wife herbicide.”

The friend said, “weed killer?”

“My point exactly,” Tom replied.

weedkiller

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I was throwing rice at an Indian wedding

and accidentally started a pilau fight.

pilau rice

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When I worked in a building supplies store,

one day this guy came in shouting and swearing

about needing something to fill a big hole in his wall.

Needless to say, I showed him the door.

new door

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17 days until I stop using aerosol deodorants.

Roll on!

roll on deodorant

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When I took my car in for a service

the guy at the shop said it would soon

need a new pair of shock absorbers.

He didn’t say when though

– the suspension’s killing me.

shock absorbers

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As a grown man I feel awkward admitting that I still play with my train set,

so I hide it under the duvet.

No one will find it now, I’ve covered my tracks.

train set

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I was having dinner with Mr T and he said,

“Don’t talk with your mouth full!”

I said, “How else would I talk? And I ain’t no fool.”

MrT

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I was surprised when my psychic friend complimented

me on the way I had cooked his steak.

“Well done” is rare from a medium.

psychic dinners

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I travel the land,

Asking rides from kind strangers:

I’m a hitchhaiku.

haiku

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An old lady at the park said to me today,

“I see your dog’s fetching balls.”

I said, “I know, but, at your age,

you shouldn’t really be looking.”

dog fetching ball

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After feeling a little depressed lately,

so I decided to treat myself to the new Jay-Z endorsed back-scratcher.

Now I’ve got 99 problems but an itch ain’t one.

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