Exit Signs Are On The Way Out!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Exit signs may well be on the way out, but thankfully a bit of word play isn’t.

Welcome to pun day.

Enjoy or endure!

.

.

Isn’t it odd that the word “sneaky”

doesn’t have some silent letters in it?

.

.

Every time the fishmonger lost his knife it always

turned up in the last plaice he looked.

.

.

Bill: “I think my decision to become a vegetarian

was definitely a missed steak.”

Ted: “I couldn’t agree more.

Perhaps we’ll meat again some day.”

.

.

You know, when you think about it,

velcro is a rip off.

.

.

Did you hear about the new porn search engine?

It’s called “go ogle”.

.

.

I had my paper ripped up in front of me

and was thrown out of my Xerox Engineers’ exam today.

One of the invigilators caught me not copying.

.

.

I’ve broken a few hearts in my day,

which turned out to be a good thing.

It made me realize that being a

cardiologist just wasn’t my thing.

.

.

Psychologists say that the left half of the brain

is responsible for kleptomania and numeracy.

So it really is the taking part that counts

.

.

A gold nugget walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “A U get the hell outta here”

.

.

Did you hear about the contortionist

who got arrested for indecent exposure.

He’s worried he’ll have it hanging over

his head for the rest of his life.

.

.

There was a knock on my door and when

I opened it a pollster was outside.

She said, “Do you like tents?”

“No,” I replied. “Why?”

“Well,” she said. “We’re canvassing the whole area.”

.

.

I’ve just seen some new door bells in the

January sales at prices you just can’t knock.

.

.

My friend was telling me that this Christmas just passed,

his girlfriend got naked, covered herself in wrapping paper,

and waited for him on his bed.

What a great way to present yourself.

.

.

My wife said I needed to bond with my son.

So I had him make me a martini, shaken, not stirred.

.

.

One of our friends has been dressing up as ‘Wolverine’

every day for the last week and we’re getting a bit worried about him.

I asked him if he thought he really was ‘Wolverine’.

“Nah.” he said. “It’s just a huge act, man”.

.

=======================================

.

Try Braking, It Gives Your Driving A Bit Of 00mph.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

It’s pun day.

The gift that just keeps on giving.

Try out this latest selection of word play gems.

Enjoy!

.

.

When she lost her job in a toothpaste factory

for dropping the toothpaste tubes,

the girl was completely crestfallen.

.

.

The first meteorologists who studied fog were mistified.

.

.

This couple went on a sea cruise to sea if they could save their marriage,

but they soon drifted apart!

.

.

The guy always cheated at golf,

he didn’t play the fairway.

.

.

I was telling a friend last night

that I made $1,000 by selling manure.

He said, “That’s gross.”

I said, “No, that’s net.”

.

.

What do you get if you eat a Blackberry?

A Bluetooth.

.

.

My sex life is unbelievable.

Whenever I tell people I have a sex life,

they don’t believe me.

.

.

I can’t understand why my new automatic

air freshener doesn’t work even though

I’ve just put brand new batteries in it.

It just doesn’t make scents.

.

.

If you crossed a fortune teller with a prostitute

would you get your whoroscope!

.

.

Tom said to his friend, “I think we should feed my wife herbicide.”

The friend said, “weed killer?”

“My point exactly,” Tom replied.

.

.

I was throwing rice at an Indian wedding

and accidentally started a pilau fight.

.

.

When I worked in a building supplies store,

one day this guy came in shouting and swearing

about needing something to fill a big hole in his wall.

Needless to say, I showed him the door.

.

.

17 days until I stop using aerosol deodorants.

Roll on!

.

.

When I took my car in for a service

the guy at the shop said it would soon

need a new pair of shock absorbers.

He didn’t say when though

– the suspension’s killing me.

.

.

As a grown man I feel awkward admitting that I still play with my train set,

so I hide it under the duvet.

No one will find it now, I’ve covered my tracks.

.

.

I was having dinner with Mr T and he said,

“Don’t talk with your mouth full!”

I said, “How else would I talk? And I ain’t no fool.”

.

.

I was surprised when my psychic friend complimented

me on the way I had cooked his steak.

“Well done” is rare from a medium.

.

.

I travel the land,

Asking rides from kind strangers:

I’m a hitchhaiku.

.

.

An old lady at the park said to me today,

“I see your dog’s fetching balls.”

I said, “I know, but, at your age,

you shouldn’t really be looking.”

.

.

After feeling a little depressed lately,

so I decided to treat myself to the new Jay-Z endorsed back-scratcher.

Now I’ve got 99 problems but an itch ain’t one.

.

.

=================================

.

For Sale: Replica Fisherman’s Knife (Made To Scale).

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

First pun day of August folks.

The months may change but pun day is forever, or until I run out of puns whichever comes first.

So here are today’s selection.

I hope you enjoy them.

.

.

I’ve decided to take the day off today.

I’m just going to call it to.

.

.

I’m in a heavy metal band.

I play lead.

.

.

I filled my car up with gasoline this morning.

Wish I hadn’t now, the seats are ruined.

.

.

Is nothing built in America any more?

I got a new TV the other day and on the box it said

‘BUILT IN ANTENNA’.

.

.

My garden is only 36 inches wide.

More like a yard.

.

.

My grandfather is a Cold War veteran

He can’t afford to put the heating on.

.

.

It’s not hard getting to work in the snow,

you just need a bit of grit.

.

.

My neighbor just showed me his new wind turbine.

I was blown away,

.

.

Well the judge said that from now on

I can only see my children with supervision.

I said why, how far away will they be?

.

.

I dropped my cell phone in the bath yesterday.

I said to my wife, “My phone is finished”.

She said, “It might still work, have you tried ringing it?”

I said, “Yes, but not much water is coming out”.

.

.

I just bought an alcoholic ginger beer.

He wasn’t pleased.

.

.

Sometimes I enjoy my steak under cooked,

Of course, that’s rare.

.

.

I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

.

.

In class today the teacher gave me a square piece of paper

and asked if I could turn it into an octagon.

“Sure,” I said. “I’ll have it done for next week, sir.”

“No, I need it now,” was the reply.

“Okay, I’ll have to cut a few corners though.”

.

.

I was chatting to a couple of girls today.

I said, “Give me your numbers and we can go out for a drink sometime”.

One of the girls said, “Okay, give us two secs.”

I said, “No problem, that’s exactly what I had in mind.”

.

.

I’ve invented a device called a ‘base-ball.’

I’m thinking of pitching it on Shark Tank.

.

.

I walked past some joggers in the park today.

They weren’t very fast.

.

.

I was at the observatory the other day.

The astronomer said to me, “Look at this massive star!”

I replied, “Actually, that’s a cluster of stars, if it’s any constellation.”

.

.

I went to the Natural History Museum and

saw the two bees that Noah took with him.

They were in the archives.

.

.

Now, for the final trick, I’m going to turn this

Grandfather clock to one hundredth of its original size…

Watch….

.

==============================

.

Questions That Should Never Have Been Asked

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

I have been featuring a lot of questions that no one asked but that needed asking.

Stupid people, however, tend to get worried about things that don’t matter and ask questions that don’t need to be asked. They are obviously important to them, but not to anyone else.

Here are some stupid questions asked by stupid people about stupid things.

Do yourself a favor and just read these and (hopefully) have a laugh. Do not try to figure out why they were asked or what they mean. If you get too far inside the mind of a moron you may never make it back out again!

Enjoy!

. 

.

Does anyone know the brand of soap Deer don’t like that I can put around my garden to keep them out?

.

. 

What mother sauce does Alfredo come from?

.

. 

Is there any relation between cool music and rain?

.

. 

What is the opposite of science?

.

. 

What are the three essential parts of a crisis?

.

. 

If someone you loved turned into a zombie, would you be able to put them out of their misery?

.

. 

What determines the life span of animals?

. 

.

Which kind of cheating is the worst?

.

. 

Why are so many more people allergic to cats than to dogs?

.

. 

Would you eat steak made from human excrement?

.

. 

How long does a mature worm live?

. 

====================

.

It’s Thursday And That Means Another Excuse For A Few More Bad Jokes

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Yes, it’s Thursday and that means another excuse for a few more bad jokes in the shape of the word plays called puns.

Enjoy!

.

Organ donors put their heart into it.
..

Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.
..

A hungry traveler stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens.
A brother is frying chips.
‘Are you the friar?’ he asks.
‘No. I’m the chip monk,’ he replies.
..

Why does the coffee taste like mud?
Because it was ground a couple of minutes ago.
..

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
..

I could not pull out of my parking space, so I used my back up plan.
..

I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
..

The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.
..

To some – marriage is a word … to others – a sentence.
..

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a
weapon of math disruption.
..

The man who worked at the watch factory was very funny.
He stood about all day making faces.
..

I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.
..

Experts say the cost of funerals have risen by 50%,
they blame it on the cost of living.
..

Cartoonist found dead in home.
Details are sketchy.
..

Old doctors never die they just lose their patience.
..

I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I’ve ever seen.
..

Did you hear about the electrician who claimed that his truck was a volts wagon.

..

===========================================