It’s An Ill Wind….

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

The original title of this post was “Farting On Airplanes” because it is really about farting on airplanes, but I thought it might be better just to call it “It’s An Ill Wind”.

No, come on, now you know don’t turn your noses up, or pretend this is something that (a) you’ve never thought about, or (b) never done. Farting on airplanes is an international phenomenon that transcends all nationalities, religions, ages, creeds, classes and colors.

It is in fact the common bond of all the world’s travelers.

Whether it can ever bring us closer together, however, is another thing (Phew!)

.

This is a quite embarrassing story. Not something one would normally admit to, but people write unusual things on blogs.

It concerns one of the first long haul flights that I was ever on.

Nowadays, as a seasoned flyer, I always have a good meal before the flight. I don’t suffer from air sickness of any kind and I don’t care for the stuff they call airline food. Back then, however, I was a novice and ended up on board without any breakfast other than a cup of coffee. My stomach was empty – of food anyhow.

All was well for about twenty or thirty minutes and then it started.

The obvious solution would have been to get up and go to the toilet. But easy options aren’t the way I have gone through life so far.

Also it was a big plane, a 747, and the toilets were quite a bit away from my seat. I would face a long walk down the narrow aisle.

Not that the walk itself was the problem. It was just that whoever designs airline seats has arranged things so that the nose and ears of the person sitting down is just about at the same height as the bottom of the person walking casually past.

You see the predicament?

In any case, I found myself in a window seat with two other seats to negotiate before I got to the aisle. Such was the pressure building up that I feared the exertion of hopping over the additional seats would make the whole purpose of the journey somewhat redundant.

There was nothing for it but to stay where I was, with the unfortunate choice being either bursting or releasing some of the pressure. Not unnaturally I chose to do the latter option.

As these things go it was a substantial outcome. But the drone of the plane engines (they were a lot louder in those days, I think, I hope, weren’t they?) seemed to drown out any other background noises.

I didn’t hear a thing.

I double checked by having a quick look at the person unfortunate enough to be sitting beside me, but there was no sign in the expression on his face that anything untoward had happened. Either that or he was a professional poker player with a practiced deadpan expression – or in a state of semi consciousness as a result of the concussive force emanating from the seat beside him.

My confidence grew. I thought of the famous campfire scene from Blazing Saddles and let a few more go in tribute.

.

I was so happy at the relief and at the fact that all was undetected that I allowed myself a triumphant smile, and then even a laugh. The movie I was watching was a comedy so my laughter didn’t look out of place either.

It was all good.

Hang on a minute.

All was not as good as it seemed.

Cut the laughter and cue serious worried face.

I suddenly realized that all this time I had been wearing the headphones the flight attendant had given us for the movies they were showing. No wonder I had heard nothing!

Oh dear me! What had I done?

Well, I knew what I had done, of course. The big question now was, did anyone else know? Had they heard me doing it?

I looked again at the man in the seat beside me. Again no perceivable reaction on his face that indicated that anything out of the ordinary had happened, although now I was aware of them I saw that he too was wearing the headphones.   

I was relieved a bit, but still very curious. And when I get curious about something I have to try to find an answer.

So there was nothing for it but let rip again, this time with my headphones off.

And that’s what I did.

Thankfully, in the interests of the scientific experiment now under way, the quality of the offending item had not diminished in force. A guy knows about these things even without any audio feedback.

To my great relief, in every meaning of the word, I still didn’t hear a thing. The drone of the airplane engines had indeed drowned out any other sounds.

It was a magnificently liberating experience and from that day on I have never looked back, as it were.

Further experimentation revealed that the same undetectable result could be achieved even on much smaller airplanes. Commercial jets I’m talking about, of course, this is not a sport to indulge in on a single engined Cesna or something like that.

I also found out that it is possible I have been saving the airlines lucky enough to win my custom a small fortune. As you know the air in airplanes these days is all re-circulated and, as the methane content of a fart is lighter than air, the captured gas therefore contributes to keeping the airplane airborne with a consequent saving on fuel. That’s my story anyhow.

.

And the good news just keeps on coming.

Independent research confirms that a person’s sense of smell is greatly suppressed in the reduced cabin air pressure, which incidentally is also why airplane food tastes so bad. 

So now if you are on an airplane and sitting beside someone who is chuckling to himself – or herself, yes ladies your secret is out – you’ll know the real reason why!

One day it might even be me!!!

.

.

===================================

.

Funny Factoid Friday Again, And Another Eighteen Universal Truths

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”
.

This funny factoid Friday I have a few more Universal Truths. As before, that does not mean that every one of them applies to everyone, but weirdly most of them do.

And if you are wondering after you read this, the answer is yes, I have put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint (you’ll see what I mean later!). Oh dear :o(

Enjoy!

 

1) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

.

2) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

.

3) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

.

4) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

.

5) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

.

6) You never ever run out of salt.

.

7) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

.

8) You can’t respect a man who carries a dog.

.

9) There’s no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you’ve got your hand or head stuck in something.

.

10) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

.

11) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

.

12) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

.

13) People who don’t drive slam car doors too hard

.

14) You’ve turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint.

.

15) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal his or her nose.

.

16) Bricks are horrible to carry.

.

17) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

.

18) Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

.  

=============================

 

It’s Another Funny Factoid Friday, Here Are Eighteen Universal Truths

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 

It’s another Friday and time for a few more of what I call factoids, although this list is entitled Universal Truths.

That does not mean that every one of them applies to everyone, but from personal experience I can vouch for the accuracy of quite a lot of them.

Enjoy!

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a bar is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger.

4) You’ve never quite sure whether it’s ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80’s has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.

6) Reading when you’re drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

8) You’re never quite sure whether it’s against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
=============================

Do You Know…. Yes, It’s Another Flipping Fun Filled Factoid Friday!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 .

It’s Friday again and what better day to indulge in a little more factoid fun. Start your weekend off full of useless knowledge that you can impress and bore your friends with.

Enjoy!

 

 

Do you know….

 

That 80 percent of Harvard students graduate with honors

 

That the chances that a burglary in the US will be solved are 1 in 7

 

That the government owns one third of all the land in the US

 

That they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM.  Why?

 

That James Buchanan was the only US President to remain a bachelor

 

That the only first lady to carry a loaded revolver was Eleanor Roosevelt

 

That the only US President to win a Pulitzer was John F. Kennedy, for “Profiles in Courage”

 

That the only US President to be awarded a patent was Abraham Lincoln, for a system of buoying vessels over shoals

 

 That the US President who discovered a new proof for The Pythagorean Theorem was Jimmy Carter  (I think is was hidden under the oval office carpet)

 

That cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there, duh?

 

What happens if you are in a vehicle going the speed of light and you turn on the headlights?

 

That honey is the only food that does not spoil

 

That a Hummingbird is the only bird that can fly backwards

 

That Antarctica is the only continent without reptiles or snakes

 

Why is the word “lisp” spelled with all the letters that people with that affliction cannot pronounce?

 

That a pig is the only animal besides human that can get sunburn

 

That ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water

 

That an eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it

 

That in the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees

 

That for some strange reason Americans drive on parkways and park on driveways.

 

That polar bears are left-handed

 

Why is “dyslexic” such a difficult word to spell?

 

That when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio

 

That Eskimos never gamble  –  I bet you didn’t know that.

 

That the world’s youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910

 

That the youngest pope was 11 years old

 

That Mark Twain didn’t graduate from elementary school

 

That proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses

 

That when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo

 

That Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner

 

What would happen if you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height?

 

That your nose and ears never stop growing

 

Why isn’t “phonetic” spelled the way it sounds?

 

That Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets combined  –  Uranus!  –  No, Jupiter.

 

That they have square watermelons in Japan … they stack better

 

That Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation

 

Why your nose runs and your feet smell?

 

====================