A Few Friday Funnies.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Last week we had a few political jokes.

This week we are having a look at some of the things political jokes have said when they were trying (in vain) to sound smart.

Try to forget that these are the idiots who are running the country and instead….

Enjoy .

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“This is a great day for France!”

President Richard Nixon at

French President Charles de Gaulle’s funeral.

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Senator John McCain in his presidential run:

“I was in Germany over the weekend and

President Putin of Germany gave

one of the old Cold War speeches as

he addressed the conference there.”

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Alaska Gov. Walter Hickel once justified a

plan to kill hundreds of wolves by saying,

“You just can’t let nature run wild.”

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“Desert Storm was a stirring victory for

the forces of aggression and lawlessness.”

Vice President Dan Quayle

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“We will not close any bases that are not needed.”

Les Aspin, secretary of defense

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“I would never approach a small-breasted woman.”

President Clinton, denying that he

had sexually harassed Kathleen Willey.

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“I am working for the time when unqualified

blacks, browns and women join the unqualified

men in running the government.”

Frances “Sissy” Farenthold, Texas state representative

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“This isn’t rocket science here.”

Tom Daschle, U.S. senator from South Dakota,

denouncing spending on space-based missile defense

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”We need to uptick our image with everyone,

including one-armed midgets.”

Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele

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“Grown men should not be having sex with

prostitutes unless they are married to them.”

Jerry Falwell

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“Trees cause more pollution than automobiles.”

Ronald Reagan

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“You can always follow me on Tweeter.”

Rick Perry

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“Carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful.

But there isn’t even one study

that can be produced that shows

that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas.”

Rep. Michele Bachmann

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“But obviously, we’ve got to stand

with our North Korean allies.”

Sarah Palin

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“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment.

It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”

Al Gore, Vice President

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Stupidity Always Finds A Way – Out Of A Politician’s Mouth!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I have a healthy contempt for politicians and bureaucrats as you’ve probably gathered if you’ve read much of this blog. And it’s well justified.

I could relate some stories to emphasize my point, but actually I don’t have to. The politicians themselves have proved it themselves. Here’s a short selection to show you what I mean.

Enjoy

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Hillary Clinton:

“We are the president.”

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Al Gore, former U.S. Vice President:

“I invented the internet.”

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Bob Dole, former Republican United States Senate Majority Leader from Kansas:

“Life is very important to Americans.”

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President Richard Nixon at French President Charles de Gaulle’s funeral:

“This is a great day for France!”

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Barack Obama at a campaign event in Beaverton, Oregon:

“I’ve now been in 57 states – I think one left to go.”

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Alaska Gov. Walter Hickel once justified a plan to kill hundreds of wolves by saying:

“You just can’t let nature run wild.”

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Strom Thurmond, U.S. senator from South Carolina:

“The U.S. Senate is a special place. I love all of you and especially your wives.”

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Vice President Dan Quayle:

“Desert Storm was a stirring victory for the forces of aggression and lawlessness.”

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California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger:

“I don’t understand how they can call me anti-Latino when I’ve made four movies in Mexico.”

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Frances “Sissy” Farenthold, Texas state representative:

“I am working for the time when unqualified blacks, browns and women join the unqualified men in running the government.”

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Miriam “Ma” Ferguson, Texas governor:

“If the King’s English was good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for me.”

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Tom Daschle, U.S. senator from South Dakota, denouncing spending on space-based missile defense:

“This isn’t rocket science here.”

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Larry Koon, South Carolina state representative:

“Women are best suited for secretarial work, decorating cakes and counter sales, like selling lingerie.”

Mr Koon’s face has been removed from this post for his own safety in light of these remarks

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Jay Dickey Jr., U.S. representative from Arkansas:

“I think incest can be handled as a family matter within the family.”

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Jerry Brown, former Governor of California:

“We’re going to move left and right at the same time.”

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Excerpt from Bill Clinton’s grand jury testimony:

“It depends on what the meaning of the word ‘is’ is” –

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Presidential Election – As Seen In Taiwan

Hi folks, just a little additional blog post for today. I don’t do this very often, only when I come across something that isn’t really substantial enough for a full post, but which I nevertheless find amusing.

So here is a short video of hos they saw the recent US Presidential Election in Taiwan.

Pity it hadn’t really been like this.

Enjoy!

Don’t Take My Word For It, Let These Guys Tell You Themselves

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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The elections are over, much to the relief of many of us, but unfortunately the politicians are still there. I have frequently criticized these idiots for making a monumental mess of things and for squandering billions of dollars on the most insanely stupid debacles and catastrophes. And I will probably do so again. 

However, it is always a good idea or policy to be able to back up what you say with some facts, so rather than run to my own defense which is usually what happens, this time I am going to let some of the politicians prove beyond any and all reasonable doubt that my opinion of them is well justified.

So here we have a selection of quotations from some fairly famous politicians in which they condemn themselves to the dustbin of stupidity.

Enjoy.  

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Bill Clinton, 42nd President of the United States:

“Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that.”

 

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This from a congressional candidate in Texas:

“That scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it.”

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Arnold Schwarzenegger, Governor of California Governor talking about his views on the economy:

“The public doesn’t care about figures.”

 

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Jacques le Blanc, French ambassador on nuclear weapons:

“I do not like this word ‘bomb.’ It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding.”

 

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Aggie Pate, at a non-denominational mayor’s breakfast, Fort Worth, Texas:

“I didn’t know Onward Christian Soldiers was a Christian song.”

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California Senator Barbara Boxer:

“Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, ‘Thank God, I’m still alive.’ But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again.”

 

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Ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia, Frank Rizzo:

“The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It’s only the people who make them unsafe.”

 

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Congressman Everett Dirksen:

“A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money.”

 

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Former U.S. President, Richard Nixon:

“Solutions are not the answer.”

 

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H. Ross Perot, major Texas businessman and former presidential candidate:

“This planet is our home. If we destroy the planet, we’ve destroyed our home, so it is fundamentally important.”

 

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Arizona Governor Wesley Bolin:

“We’d like to avoid problems, because when we have problems, we can have troubles.”

 

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George Wallace 1968 presidential campaign:

“I’ve read about foreign policy and studied, I now know the number of continents.”

 

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Dwight Eisenhower, 34th President of the United States:

“The world is more like it is now then it ever has before.”

 

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Fred Heineman, former Republican representative from North Carolina:

“When I see someone who is making anywhere from $300,000 to $750,000 a year, that’s middle class.”

 

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Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chrétien:

“A proof is a proof. What kind of proof? It’s a proof. A proof is proof. And when you have a good proof, it’s because it is proven.”

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Imelda Marcos, former First Lady and a political figure in the Philippines:

“I get so tired listening to one million dollars here, one million dollars there, it’s so petty.”

 

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Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate:

“The internet is a great way to get on the net.”

 

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Al Gore, former U.S. vice president:

“We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.”

 

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Former California Governor Gray Davis, during the recall campaign:

“My vision is to make the most diverse state on earth, and we have people from every planet on the earth in this state. We have the sons and daughters of every, of people from every planet, of every country on earth.”

 

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Charles De Gaulle, former French President:

“China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.”

 

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President Clinton, denying that he had sexually harassed Kathleen Willey:

“I would never approach a small-breasted woman.”

 

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The Answers That Raise More Questions Than The Questions They Answer, In Other Words It’s Quiz Show Monday!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, it’s another Quiz Show Monday and time to examine the workings of the inner minds that really don’t work so well.

Enjoy.

(Now where did I put that flask???)

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Q: Name a cable TV channel the whole family can watch together

A: UPN (He meant “USPN”)

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Q: Name something men would carry inside bras, if they started wearing them

A: Flask

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Q: Name something you see at every college football game

A: Alcohol

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Q: Name a food people put ketchup on

A: Bacon

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Q: Name something you do while you sunbathe

A: Lay in the sun

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Q: Name a place where you might see another person take off all their clothes

A: The mall

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Q: Name a specific place where you’d hate to be during a major power failure

A: In a car

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Q: Name a famous “Arnold”

A: Arnold & Willis

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Q: The country you think has the most exciting men? (Asked to 100 women)

A: Paris

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Q: Name a month that’s also a person’s name

A: January

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Q: Name something with a hole in the middle

A: Hole punch

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Q: Name something people hold still for

A: When they have to go to the bathroom

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Q: How long an extramarital affair lasts

A: 3 days

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Q: Name a fact about Al Gore

A: He’s a Republican

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Q: The section of the newspaper in which you’d be shocked to find your name

A: Weddings
A: Lost and Found

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Q: The fastest selling drug

A: Marijuana
A: Vicodin

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Q: The person who is most likely to be on George W. Bush’s dartboard

A: Jesse Jackson
A: Larry King

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Q: Name something that comes in pairs

A: Bananas

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Q: Name something little kids don’t like to wear

A: Shirts

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Q: Name a vegetable that grows in the ground

A: Cabbage

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Donkey Hokey

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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No, I’m not tilting at windmills, not just yet anyhow. And despite the play on words in the title, nor am I referring to Cervantes character Don Quixote. This post actually does concern a donkey, though. In fact animals in general.

It is a little known fact that donkeys kill more people than plane crashes. And at the end of August I read about a small town Texas mayor who was killed in an attack by his own donkey. He was Bill Bohlke and he was Mayor of Hollywood Park in Atascosa County, Texas.

That unfortunate event set me thinking of a number of things.

First I asked myself how the heck you pronounced his surname.

Then I wondered if Mayor Bohlke was a Republican or Democrat and how macabre it would have been if the donkey had done away with his elephant man rival.

And then I thought about the amazing and different ways people find to leave the mortal coil. I bet, like most of us, the last thing Mayor Bohlke thought was that some day he would meet his end from an attack from a randy donkey!

And then I marveled at how so many people, for no logical reason, have a romantic fantasy notion that animals are not inherently dangerous. They are.

And this is true for people who work with them every day and should know better.

For example, when I was growing up I would spend time at my uncle’s farm. He had a herd of one hundred or more dairy cows and every evening when I was there my cousin and myself would be sent out to the fields to bring the cows in for milking.

We had a couple of great little collie dogs to help us, not that much help was needed because the cows had a routine and once they heard us calling for them they made their way to the field gate and up the lane to the milking parlor, glad no doubt that they were about to be relieved of their burden once more.

With them came the bull. A huge brute of an animal and unbelievably strong. But he was docile enough, walked up with his herd of ‘wives’ and while they made their way into the queue for the milking machines he would usually lie down in the hayshed and munch on some of the hay.

As innocent (dumb) kids we would sometimes sit down beside him, even using him as a prop to lean against. He didn’t seem to mind a bit, we thought he was glad of the company perhaps.

Then one day as the herd was being ushered back out to the fields Mr Bull totally out of the blue decided he would like to kill my uncle.

Luckily us kids had our chore done in bringing the herd in to get milked. When the time came to take them back out again we were engaged on other vital business, I can’t remember exactly what but I’m sure it involved football, playing cowboys and Indians, fending off some galactic foe who was attacking earth that day, or some such vital stuff. But we could hear the commotion in the distance.

Furious about something, only he knew what, the bull roared angrily and ran towards my uncle who had been leading the way. With his head lowered he hit my uncle between his lower back and his knees and threw him up into the air like a rag doll – and my uncle was a BIG man. Very fortunately the bull tossed him into the air with such force that he went clean over the raised fence and hedge on the right hand side of the lane and ended up in one of the fields. 

The crazy bull then tried to go after him but couldn’t get up the steep embankment on which the fence had been constructed. Another cousin, quite a bit older than us, saw the attack. He was in a tractor and he immediately had the presence of mind to use that to take the bull’s attention away from my uncle. The distraction seemed to work, because as suddenly as it had started it was over and things were back to normal.

But my uncle had learned a valuable lesson. Animals can be dangerous.

So had I, even though I wasn’t there at the time, but from then on I haven’t been a fan of bulls – not in Chicago or Wall Street either come to think of it.

Unfortunately Mayor Bohlke wasn’t so lucky with his donkey.

I wonder if it happened something like this???

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