As A Rule Of Thumb, Don’t Pick Up Hitchhikers.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

But as a rule of thumb I like puns.

Hope you do too.

Here are some more.

Enjoy!

.

.

My Japanese penpal dropped out of school recently.

He’s taken leave of his Senseis.

.

.

I’ve got a new job stacking shelves at a supermarket for big, tall men.

It keeps me on my toes.

.

.

I was chatting to someone about cylindrical fasteners earlier,

it was a riveting conversation.

.

.

Skiers don’t have drunken arguments,

they just storm off-piste.

.

.

I used to be the managing director of the world’s largest ladder company.

Until I was asked to step down.

.

.

A friend asked if I wanted to buy his motor boat.

I jumped at the chance and bought both.

I can keep the boat on the moat.

.

.

My friend sells knives for a living and he said if I posted

this on the internet he’d give me a cut.

.

.

What numbskull called it the Police / Fire Department Headquarters

and not Guns and Hoses?

.

.

I went for a job interview with the hacking group Anonymous.

Introduced myself…

And that was the end of the interview

.

.

Just read in the news, that there’s going to be a beauty contest

where all the models are dressed up in newspaper pages.

It must be a Miss Print.

.

.

The A- eam.

Hey, missed a T.

.

.

I went through a lot to be with my girlfriend.

She was standing at the other end of the car park.

.

.

I wish I’d never joined the S and M club.

They tied me into a long term contract.

.

.

A driver waved at me to stop my car and asked if I could change attire.

Why would someone assume that I would keep spare clothes with me!

.

.

Heck is where people go to

who don’t believe in Golly.

.

.

Something tells me my posture might not be so great,

I don’t know.

I just have a hunch.

.

.

Two red blood cells met and fell in love.

But alas, it was in vein.

.

.

My fruit and vegetable business has gone into liquidation.

Now we sell smoothies.

.

.

Man, you get a load of boos when

you turn up to an AA meeting pissed.

.

.

I turned up to a McDonald’s job interview

riding piggyback on a Burger King employee.

“Could I just ask what the hell you’re doing?”

the receptionist asked curtly.

“Well,” I explained patiently, “the woman on the phone told me

I should report to Reception on a rival” 

.

=====================================

.

Say What You Want, You Really Like ‘Em

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Yes, some of you pretend not to, but come on, admit it, I know you really like these awful jokes dressed up as puns and word plays.

Here’s another lot for you to pretend to hate!

.

.

Bill used to date an English teacher, but she dumped him.

She didn’t approve of his improper use of the colon.

.

.

What’s better than seeing a woman wrestle?

Seeing her box.

.

.

I had an appointment at the sperm bank today, but I had to call up to say I couldn’t come.

.

.

I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

.

.

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was like, 0mg!

.

.

My girlfriend just said to me, “Did you know, butterflies only live for two days?”

I said, “Honey, I think that’s a myth.”

She said, “No, it’s definitely a butterfly.”

.

.

I think jokes about fat people are horrible.

Don’t you think they have enough on their plate?

.

.

I shot someone with a starting gun.

I’ve been charged with race crimes

.

.

I got an e-mail saying ‘At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!’

I thought, “That’s just spam.”

.

.

Capitalization is the difference between

“I helped my uncle Jack off a horse,”

and

“I helped my uncle jack off a horse.”

.

.

Call it a hunch, but I’m pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine.

.

.

My brother came out of the closet today.

I knew I should have used a better lock.

.

.

The other day I saw a man playing Dancing Queen on the Didgeridoo.

I thought, that’s Aboriginal.

.

.

=======================

.