Maths Puns Are The First Sine Of Madness.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I wonder what the second sine is?

But let’s not go off at a tangent.

Let’s just enjoy another Pun Day instead.

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The first rule of Innuendo Club is

you can only enter via the back door.

 

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I’ve been sitting here all day trying to

think of anagrams of the word ‘wired’

but I can only think of one.

Which is weird.

 

 

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This morning my physiotherapist

tapped my knee with a plastic hammer

and made my leg jerk.

The nerve.

 

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Are people who believe in

ghosts very ghoulable?

 

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No matter how much you push the envelope,

it’ll still be stationery.

 

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My friend was arrested for drunk driving

on a motorized shopping cart at WalMart.

Apparently he led the police on a chase

that reached 90 aisles per hour.

 

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“All you ever talk about is golf!”

My wife shouted.

“Golf, golf and more bloody golf!”

“Calm down love,” I said.

“Don’t let this driver wedge between us.”

 

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I went to buy pork chops and told

the butcher to make them lean.

He said, ‘Which way?’

 

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Many scientists agree the only way to solve

the planet’s worsening energy crisis

is for the whole world to convert to solar power.

That’s not going to happen overnight.

 

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I was the first person to install trampolines

in musician’s tour buses and now

everybody is jumping on the bandwagon.

 

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I said to my blind date, “I actually take

a plane to work and back every single day.”

“Wow, you must be wealthy.” She said.

“Everything but,” I replied,

“I’m just a carpenter.”

 

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I bumped into the guy

who invented the globe.

It’s a small world.

 

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Why did the poet kill himself

by walking into the road?

Because he thought there

was nothing left to right.

 

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I never thought I’d buy into Feng Shui.

But oh how the tables have turned.

 

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I was in a music group

called ‘Illegal imports’.

We were a contraband.

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It’s The Day You All Look Forward To – Pun Day!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Well, maybe not ‘all’ of you. But some people like them.

Here are a few more.

Enjoy or endure!

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I just learned the other day that a violin

is comprised of seventy separate pieces of wood.

It must be a fiddly job putting it all together!

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I named my car flattery.

It gets me nowhere.

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I got depressed when I lost my job at the Apple factory.

“Have you been taking any tablets?” asked the doctor.

“Yeah. Why do you think I got fired?”

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I’ve started a band called ‘Nostalgia’.

If we don’t make it, at least people will remember us fondly.

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My wife planted some seeds in the garden a while back

and just recently they’ve pushed through the soil.

She said to me today, “What do you think they are?”

“I don’t know,” I replied.  

“But they’ve definitely grown hyacinth we last looked at them.”

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I hopped on a bus today.

After five minutes, the driver told me to sit down.

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Just had to close my new restaurant down.

It was called “Mexican Tortilla”.

I just kept getting calls from language students…

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As I sat cleaning my rifle, my wife nagged,

“I think you love that gun more than me.”

“Are you even listening to me?” she asked.

“Yes, deer,” I replied.

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I’ll never forget my first love.

She took me outside and showed me the garden.

She then showed me the hole, at the bottom of her garden.

Full of water.

“Throw in a coin and make a wish.” She said.

So I did.

I remember her well.

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I started a business selling life support machines

but I’m on the verge of going bust.

Ironically, I’ve got to pull the plug.

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A psychic told me how to get more friends on Facebook,

and it worked!

What a great social medium.

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I tried to do a computer course

but I couldn’t hack it

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Just got back from the ‘Free Pussy Riot’ march.

Not what I was expecting,

apparently they’re some Russian band.

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Contrary to popular belief Owls are not wise,

they’re stupid and illiterate.

It’s “Tu Whit Tu WHOM!”

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“It’s nice to be served by somebody English for a change,”

I said to the waitress in a café.

“These days most of you are foreign and don’t understand a word I say. For instance…”

“For instance, what?” said the waitress, after a long pause.

“Four instant coffees, please.”

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As A Rule Of Thumb, Don’t Pick Up Hitchhikers.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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But as a rule of thumb I like puns.

Hope you do too.

Here are some more.

Enjoy!

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My Japanese penpal dropped out of school recently.

He’s taken leave of his Senseis.

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I’ve got a new job stacking shelves at a supermarket for big, tall men.

It keeps me on my toes.

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I was chatting to someone about cylindrical fasteners earlier,

it was a riveting conversation.

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Skiers don’t have drunken arguments,

they just storm off-piste.

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I used to be the managing director of the world’s largest ladder company.

Until I was asked to step down.

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A friend asked if I wanted to buy his motor boat.

I jumped at the chance and bought both.

I can keep the boat on the moat.

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My friend sells knives for a living and he said if I posted

this on the internet he’d give me a cut.

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What numbskull called it the Police / Fire Department Headquarters

and not Guns and Hoses?

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I went for a job interview with the hacking group Anonymous.

Introduced myself…

And that was the end of the interview

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Just read in the news, that there’s going to be a beauty contest

where all the models are dressed up in newspaper pages.

It must be a Miss Print.

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The A- eam.

Hey, missed a T.

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I went through a lot to be with my girlfriend.

She was standing at the other end of the car park.

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I wish I’d never joined the S and M club.

They tied me into a long term contract.

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A driver waved at me to stop my car and asked if I could change attire.

Why would someone assume that I would keep spare clothes with me!

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Heck is where people go to

who don’t believe in Golly.

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Something tells me my posture might not be so great,

I don’t know.

I just have a hunch.

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Two red blood cells met and fell in love.

But alas, it was in vein.

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My fruit and vegetable business has gone into liquidation.

Now we sell smoothies.

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Man, you get a load of boos when

you turn up to an AA meeting pissed.

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I turned up to a McDonald’s job interview

riding piggyback on a Burger King employee.

“Could I just ask what the hell you’re doing?”

the receptionist asked curtly.

“Well,” I explained patiently, “the woman on the phone told me

I should report to Reception on a rival” 

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“Never Underestimate The Power Of Stupid People In Large Groups.”

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I read a sign recently that said “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”

I knew exactly what it meant.

I’ve said it before on this blog – stupid people are dangerous. Sure they are amusing some of the time, and annoying all of the time, but they are also dangerous a lot of the time too.

Whether it be the stupid idiot who gets drunk and thinks it makes him a better driver, or someone in a company who has been promoted well beyond his or her level of ability just because the number of years of service he or she has accrued, or one of those despicable ‘jobs-worth’ morons you inevitably find in bureaucratic government non-jobs, their stupidity poses a danger to the rest of us.

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If you were a real optimist you might be forgiven for hoping that where you put two stupid people together there would be a chance that the stupidity would halve, but in fact quite the reverse is true, it doubles – and then some!  

And where stupid people accumulate in even larger groups the danger they pose is even greater.

I have witnessed mob violence and believe me it’s a scary thing, always dangerous and often lethal. That’s bad enough.

But what if the large groups of stupid people are given the power to dictate to the rest of us?

That’s an even scarier prospect because it isn’t just spontaneous and fleeting, it is planned and long term.

It’s something that you would think the rest of us would be smart enough not to let happen. Yet that’s exactly what we have allowed to happen.

In the modern world, whether it be the western democracies or the eastern dictatorships, for one reason or another smart people have abdicated their responsibility to ensure that we are governed sensibly and have instead allowed a bunch of morons to take charge.

A lot of the time the idiots get away with it without anyone noticing much. The smart people get on with their lives and quietly accept the interference of the stupid.

But recently the idiots have been steadily encroaching on our private lives, into things that are clearly none of their business and things that pose no danger to society at large or to any individual within it.

The idiots want power. They don’t know what to do with it when they get it. But they want it, and more and more of it.

My own theory is that at heart, although they try to appear superior, the idiots know they are idiots and actually feel inferior to normal people. Thus their mania to have control over those they know are better than they are.

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We know that when they get control they try to dumb down society to their level. The most talented individuals are frowned upon and made to develop at the same speed as the dumbest.

We’ve been through the NSA fiasco when they were outed by a former employee. We know they look at our emails, listen to our telephone conversations, probably even snoop in our mail or scrutinize our blogs (gosh!) and that they have built a humungous new data storage center to keep information on everyone.

We know they start wars and cause the needless deaths of many people sometimes for no other good reason than to distract from the obvious shortcomings at home.

And we are currently in the midst of one of the most idiotic standoffs in Washington with Obama, the Senate and the House of Representatives seeing who can balance on one leg the longest while the country becomes the laughing stock of the rest of the world.

Yes folks, never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups to destroy society and drag the rest of us down along with them.

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You’d Think It Should Be Easy, But You’d Be Wrong!

“Fight Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 

One of my best friends is a farmer. Or was, he sold up a few years ago, tired of the long hours in all sorts of inclement weather. But he did it for many years and has a host of good stories about incidents that happened during that time.

He was a dairy farmer for a good part of his farming career. As a result he has a healthy respect, but also more than a little contempt for cows. In fact he says they are probably the stupidest animal he has ever come across. (He hasn’t met our dog that thinks it’s a cat yet!)

He says that a cow is probably the only animal that is stupid enough to get stuck behind a open gate. Actually I’ve seen this happen myself. If a field gate is partially open at least one of them will get between it and the hedge or fence and they don’t seem to be able to figure out how to reverse and take a new route out of the field.

If you’re having a laugh at that, good. It’s even funnier when you see it in person I assure you. But there’s something even stupider than the cow I fear. That is people, some people! Take this lady in the video below.

All she has to do is reverse her car out of the garage.

Simple?

Of course not!

Have a look (I’m not sure I would like her driving my kids around, would you?)

(Acknowledgements and thanks to Pradeep for finding this one)