Exit Signs Are On The Way Out!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Exit signs may well be on the way out, but thankfully a bit of word play isn’t.

Welcome to pun day.

Enjoy or endure!

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Isn’t it odd that the word “sneaky”

doesn’t have some silent letters in it?

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Every time the fishmonger lost his knife it always

turned up in the last plaice he looked.

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Bill: “I think my decision to become a vegetarian

was definitely a missed steak.”

Ted: “I couldn’t agree more.

Perhaps we’ll meat again some day.”

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You know, when you think about it,

velcro is a rip off.

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Did you hear about the new porn search engine?

It’s called “go ogle”.

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I had my paper ripped up in front of me

and was thrown out of my Xerox Engineers’ exam today.

One of the invigilators caught me not copying.

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I’ve broken a few hearts in my day,

which turned out to be a good thing.

It made me realize that being a

cardiologist just wasn’t my thing.

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Psychologists say that the left half of the brain

is responsible for kleptomania and numeracy.

So it really is the taking part that counts

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A gold nugget walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “A U get the hell outta here”

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Did you hear about the contortionist

who got arrested for indecent exposure.

He’s worried he’ll have it hanging over

his head for the rest of his life.

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There was a knock on my door and when

I opened it a pollster was outside.

She said, “Do you like tents?”

“No,” I replied. “Why?”

“Well,” she said. “We’re canvassing the whole area.”

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I’ve just seen some new door bells in the

January sales at prices you just can’t knock.

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My friend was telling me that this Christmas just passed,

his girlfriend got naked, covered herself in wrapping paper,

and waited for him on his bed.

What a great way to present yourself.

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My wife said I needed to bond with my son.

So I had him make me a martini, shaken, not stirred.

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One of our friends has been dressing up as ‘Wolverine’

every day for the last week and we’re getting a bit worried about him.

I asked him if he thought he really was ‘Wolverine’.

“Nah.” he said. “It’s just a huge act, man”.

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Yesterday It Was The Answers That Were The Problem, Today It’s The Questions

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yesterday it was the answers that were the problem. Today it is the questions. Here is another selection of those important questions that very few seem to want to ask.

Enjoy.

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Why do overalls have belt loops, since they are held up at the top by the straps?

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Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

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Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

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Why people are so scared of mice, which are much smaller than us, when no one seems to be scared of Micky Mouse, who is bigger than us?

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How come we never hear about gruntled employees?

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Why are plastic bears the only animal you can get honey from? Why can’t you get honey from a plastic bee?

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What happens when you put hand sanitizer on a place other than your hand?

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Can you “stare off into space” when you’re in space?

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Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

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If there were a thousand seaguls in an airplane while its flying, each weighing two pounds a piece, but they were all flying in the airplane, would the airplane weigh 2000 pounds more?

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If a fly has no wings would you call him a walk?

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If a food processor slices and dices food, what does a word processor do?

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Why isn’t there mouse flavored cat food?

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If a hen and a half can lay an egg and a half in a day and a half, how long would it take a monkey with a wooden leg to kick the seeds out of a dill pickle?

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If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

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If a mirror reverses right and left, why doesn’t it reverse up and down?

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If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

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It’s Thursday And That Means Another Excuse For A Few More Bad Jokes

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, it’s Thursday and that means another excuse for a few more bad jokes in the shape of the word plays called puns.

Enjoy!

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Organ donors put their heart into it.
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Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.
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A hungry traveler stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens.
A brother is frying chips.
‘Are you the friar?’ he asks.
‘No. I’m the chip monk,’ he replies.
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Why does the coffee taste like mud?
Because it was ground a couple of minutes ago.
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The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
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I could not pull out of my parking space, so I used my back up plan.
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I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
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The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.
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To some – marriage is a word … to others – a sentence.
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A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a
weapon of math disruption.
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The man who worked at the watch factory was very funny.
He stood about all day making faces.
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I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.
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Experts say the cost of funerals have risen by 50%,
they blame it on the cost of living.
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Cartoonist found dead in home.
Details are sketchy.
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Old doctors never die they just lose their patience.
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I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I’ve ever seen.
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Did you hear about the electrician who claimed that his truck was a volts wagon.

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