Exit Signs Are On The Way Out!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Exit signs may well be on the way out, but thankfully a bit of word play isn’t.

Welcome to pun day.

Enjoy or endure!

.

.

Isn’t it odd that the word “sneaky”

doesn’t have some silent letters in it?

.

.

Every time the fishmonger lost his knife it always

turned up in the last plaice he looked.

.

.

Bill: “I think my decision to become a vegetarian

was definitely a missed steak.”

Ted: “I couldn’t agree more.

Perhaps we’ll meat again some day.”

.

.

You know, when you think about it,

velcro is a rip off.

.

.

Did you hear about the new porn search engine?

It’s called “go ogle”.

.

.

I had my paper ripped up in front of me

and was thrown out of my Xerox Engineers’ exam today.

One of the invigilators caught me not copying.

.

.

I’ve broken a few hearts in my day,

which turned out to be a good thing.

It made me realize that being a

cardiologist just wasn’t my thing.

.

.

Psychologists say that the left half of the brain

is responsible for kleptomania and numeracy.

So it really is the taking part that counts

.

.

A gold nugget walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “A U get the hell outta here”

.

.

Did you hear about the contortionist

who got arrested for indecent exposure.

He’s worried he’ll have it hanging over

his head for the rest of his life.

.

.

There was a knock on my door and when

I opened it a pollster was outside.

She said, “Do you like tents?”

“No,” I replied. “Why?”

“Well,” she said. “We’re canvassing the whole area.”

.

.

I’ve just seen some new door bells in the

January sales at prices you just can’t knock.

.

.

My friend was telling me that this Christmas just passed,

his girlfriend got naked, covered herself in wrapping paper,

and waited for him on his bed.

What a great way to present yourself.

.

.

My wife said I needed to bond with my son.

So I had him make me a martini, shaken, not stirred.

.

.

One of our friends has been dressing up as ‘Wolverine’

every day for the last week and we’re getting a bit worried about him.

I asked him if he thought he really was ‘Wolverine’.

“Nah.” he said. “It’s just a huge act, man”.

.

=======================================

.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

In case the title didn’t give it away, today is pun day!

Hurrah and enjoy!!

But first a quick medical alert….

.

.

Medical Alert:

When you play golf iron deficiencies

can lead to a risk of increased strokes.

.

.

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from.

Then it dawned on me.

.

.

I was devastated when my girlfriend left me for a dwarf.

I never thought she would stoop so low

.

.

“I only have diamonds, clubs and spades,”

said Tom heartlessly

.

.

Ever wonder why the person who invented the door knocker

wasn’t awarded a No-bell prize.

.

.

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered

64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane.

.

.

If anyone ever says to you that they’ve lost their voice,

They’re lying.

.

.

Tires are fixed for a flat rate.

.

.

If you suffer from kleptomania,

should you take something for it?

.

.

I’ve taken up a part time course in counterfeiting.

I’m forging ahead.

.

.

I broke up with my girlfriend last night.

It happened on the forecourt of a gas station.

Very emotional breakup.

She was in tears and I was filling up….

.

.

The latest market research shows a growing trend

for eating high-fibre cereal for breakfast,

with the result that people are experiencing

greater regularity in their bowel movements.

With trends like that,

who needs enemas?

.

.

Did you hear about the bird that sat on an axe?

It was trying to hatchet

.

.

A boy came into the house with a sofa on his back.

His mother said,

“How many times have I told you not to accept suites from strangers!?”

.

.

I was watching a tv program about the people in Holland who make their traditional clogs?

I thought, I’d like to try that

Wooden shoe?

.

.

A fishing boat is working the North Sea, when suddenly it starts shipping water.

It puts out a Mayday message:

“Help! Help! We are sinking!”

A few minutes back the reply comes through:

“Zis is ze German coastguard. Vot are you sinking about?”

.

.

.

I’ve eaten steak tartar,

but only on rare occasions

.

.

un oeuf is enough as they say in France!

.

.

My laptop is broken.

It just keeps playing “Skyfall” over and over again.

Probably because it’s a Dell.

.

.

================================

.

It’s A Day For A Little More Word Play

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 .

Time for another bunch of those word plays they call puns.

Get your groans ready and enjoy!

. 

. 

I usually take steps to avoid elevators.

. 

The girl wanted to lose weight so she went to the paint store. She heard she could get thinner there.

. 

He had a difficult time bouncing back from his bungee cord accident.

. 

The cannibal’s cookbook titled ‘How to Better Serve your Fellow Man’ was written by a guy who had a wife and ate kids.  

. 

My friend wore a blindfold at the shooting range, he didn’t know what he was missing.

. 

If you need something done, call an electrician – they conduit.

. 

Although Nobelists tend to have dynamite personalities, Niels was a Bohr, and Linus was a Pauling.

. 

The police arrested me after my therapist suggested I take something for my kleptomania.

. 

When Peter Pan punches, they Neverland.

. 

The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.

. 

The new weed whacker is cutting-hedge technology.

. 

Novice pirates make terrible singers because they can’t hit the high seas.

. 

I used to be a watchmaker. It was a great job and I made my own hours.

. 

I hate the price of candy at the movie theater. They’re always raisinette.

. 

All the waterfowl kept their eyes closed except for one. He was a Peking Duck.  

. 

Deafness is getting to be quite a problem for me lately. Wow, I never thought I’d hear myself say that.

. 

Bugs have very diverse religious views, because they are all in sects.

. 

She’s happy to make a pair of pants for you, or at least sew its seams.

. 

England doesn’t have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool

. 

When you think about it, mummies are bound to be uptight.

. 

=================================

.