Exit Signs Are On The Way Out!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Exit signs may well be on the way out, but thankfully a bit of word play isn’t.

Welcome to pun day.

Enjoy or endure!

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Isn’t it odd that the word “sneaky”

doesn’t have some silent letters in it?

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Every time the fishmonger lost his knife it always

turned up in the last plaice he looked.

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Bill: “I think my decision to become a vegetarian

was definitely a missed steak.”

Ted: “I couldn’t agree more.

Perhaps we’ll meat again some day.”

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You know, when you think about it,

velcro is a rip off.

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Did you hear about the new porn search engine?

It’s called “go ogle”.

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I had my paper ripped up in front of me

and was thrown out of my Xerox Engineers’ exam today.

One of the invigilators caught me not copying.

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I’ve broken a few hearts in my day,

which turned out to be a good thing.

It made me realize that being a

cardiologist just wasn’t my thing.

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Psychologists say that the left half of the brain

is responsible for kleptomania and numeracy.

So it really is the taking part that counts

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A gold nugget walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “A U get the hell outta here”

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Did you hear about the contortionist

who got arrested for indecent exposure.

He’s worried he’ll have it hanging over

his head for the rest of his life.

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There was a knock on my door and when

I opened it a pollster was outside.

She said, “Do you like tents?”

“No,” I replied. “Why?”

“Well,” she said. “We’re canvassing the whole area.”

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I’ve just seen some new door bells in the

January sales at prices you just can’t knock.

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My friend was telling me that this Christmas just passed,

his girlfriend got naked, covered herself in wrapping paper,

and waited for him on his bed.

What a great way to present yourself.

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My wife said I needed to bond with my son.

So I had him make me a martini, shaken, not stirred.

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One of our friends has been dressing up as ‘Wolverine’

every day for the last week and we’re getting a bit worried about him.

I asked him if he thought he really was ‘Wolverine’.

“Nah.” he said. “It’s just a huge act, man”.

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Then There Was The Dyslexic Man Who Walked Into A Bra….

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Another short selection of punny jokes today.

Strong language warning on one of them for those likely to be offended by such things.

Enjoy! 

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What banned weapon can you use to kill slugs?

A salt rifle.

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If you owned a secret, underground fajita shop, would you keep it under wraps?

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I dated a girl from the Phillippines, she was a contortionist.

I called her my ‘Manila folder’

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I couldn’t understand why my mobile’s battery always seems to be flat.

Then I realized had it been any other shape, it wouldn’t fit in my phone.

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I knew a man who killed himself with a cyanide capsule.

That was a bitter pill to swallow.

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Some people think animal puns are not funny in any neigh, sheep or farm.

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I hate puns about perforated things – they’re tearable.

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You would think that these herbs & spices puns would have died out by now.

But no, they just keep on Cumin.

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Paddy goes into a hardware store & asks to buy a sink.

“Would you like one with a plug?” says the assistant.

Paddy replies, “Don’t tell me they’ve gone electric!”

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Woman goes into a butcher’s…

“I’d like an oxtail please”.

“Certainly”, replies the butcher,

“Once upon a time there was an ox…”

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One day I phoned with the spiritual leader of Tibet.

He sent me a large goat with a long neck.

Turns out I phoned Dial- a- llama.

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Coffee isn’t my cup of tea.

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I took my wife to the doctor yesterday, he examined her and said, “I’ll be perfectly honest… I don’t like the look of her.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean,” I said, “but she’s a good cook and the kids think the world of her!”

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I bought a Valentine’s Day card for everyone at our local Tourette’s Society.

It’s the thought that cunts.

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“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’’

“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”

“Is it common?”

“Well, it’s not unusual.”

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Don’t Join Dangerous Cults: Practice Safe Sects! – Yes, More Puns!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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What could be better than a bit of sound advice mixed with a little pun?

Appearing today probably to mixed reviews, here is another of puns, bad jokes or word plays, whatever you like to call them.

Enjoy!

(BTW, the last one is a classic!)

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Did you know that every two in one people are schizophrenic?

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I hear that the credit crunch is even affecting fairgrounds.

My friend’s a dodgems operator and he lost his job this morning.

He’s suing for funfair dismissal.

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Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table,

because he only recognizes the element of surprise

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I got a new anorexic girlfriend.

It’s not going too well.

These days, I’m seeing less and less of her.

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I went into the hardware store yesterday.

I went up to the counter and asked the bloke for some nails.

He said, “How long do you want them?”

I said, “I want to keep ’em.”

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My late mother-in-law was a clairvoyant and a contortionist.

As a result she was able to foresee her own end

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Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

Mary Poppins said  he was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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Could you say a gossip is someone with a sense of rumor?

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Why was the ink drop sad?

Because her dad was in the pen and she didn’t know how long the sentence would be!

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My mate is addicted to brake fluid.

But he reckons he can stop at any time.

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When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.

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How do you kill a circus?

Go for the juggler.

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What do you call a French man in sandals?

Phillippe Flop

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