Exit Signs Are On The Way Out!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Exit signs may well be on the way out, but thankfully a bit of word play isn’t.

Welcome to pun day.

Enjoy or endure!

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Isn’t it odd that the word “sneaky”

doesn’t have some silent letters in it?

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Every time the fishmonger lost his knife it always

turned up in the last plaice he looked.

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Bill: “I think my decision to become a vegetarian

was definitely a missed steak.”

Ted: “I couldn’t agree more.

Perhaps we’ll meat again some day.”

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You know, when you think about it,

velcro is a rip off.

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Did you hear about the new porn search engine?

It’s called “go ogle”.

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I had my paper ripped up in front of me

and was thrown out of my Xerox Engineers’ exam today.

One of the invigilators caught me not copying.

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I’ve broken a few hearts in my day,

which turned out to be a good thing.

It made me realize that being a

cardiologist just wasn’t my thing.

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Psychologists say that the left half of the brain

is responsible for kleptomania and numeracy.

So it really is the taking part that counts

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A gold nugget walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “A U get the hell outta here”

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Did you hear about the contortionist

who got arrested for indecent exposure.

He’s worried he’ll have it hanging over

his head for the rest of his life.

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There was a knock on my door and when

I opened it a pollster was outside.

She said, “Do you like tents?”

“No,” I replied. “Why?”

“Well,” she said. “We’re canvassing the whole area.”

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I’ve just seen some new door bells in the

January sales at prices you just can’t knock.

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My friend was telling me that this Christmas just passed,

his girlfriend got naked, covered herself in wrapping paper,

and waited for him on his bed.

What a great way to present yourself.

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My wife said I needed to bond with my son.

So I had him make me a martini, shaken, not stirred.

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One of our friends has been dressing up as ‘Wolverine’

every day for the last week and we’re getting a bit worried about him.

I asked him if he thought he really was ‘Wolverine’.

“Nah.” he said. “It’s just a huge act, man”.

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Whenever I Play A Battle Of Minds, I Plato Win….

”Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Once again the clue is in the title.

Another pun day.

The usual mixture of puns, word play and jokes of varying quality.

Enjoy!

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What do you call a lion wearing a stylish hat?

A dandy lion.

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I just walked into my Sarcastics Anonymous club, five minutes late.

They said, “Oh, nice of you to join us.”

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What are the chances of me coming up

with a pun about being overweight?

Slim.

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I was minding my own business

when I thought to myself,

“Maybe becoming a self-employed security guard

wasn’t such a good idea.”

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Mein Kampf.

Contains “Adolf humour”

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I have discovered that if you rearrange the letters of:

“THE POST OFFICE”

…you severely piss off the mailmen.

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I’ve opened an online dating company

especially designed for deaf mutes.

It’s called ‘The Conversations Ltd.’

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My girlfriend is temperamental.

That’s 50% temper and 50% mental.

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I have been working in a mirror factory for years now.

It’s what I’ve always seen myself doing.

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Why do they take organs from pigs and give them to humans?

Because pigs can’t play organs.

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Tom Cruise:

taking the art out of being a ‘bartender’

since 1988.

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It was a busy night at the Bulimic support clinic.

The place was heaving.

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I have a contact lens problem.

I have no contact lens solution.

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What’s big, grey and doesn’t matter?

An Irr-elephant.

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The Beastie Boys are launching a new five-part fanzine,

documenting their rise to stardom.

Parts A to D will be freely available in the shops

for general purchase but, consistent with their band’s ethos,

you’ll have to fight for your right to Part E.

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“I Think” Said The Sweet Potato, “Therefore I Yam”

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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The clue is in the title.

We’re playing with words again.

Yes, it’s pun day.

Enjoy!

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I had no idea there were so many different types of sandpaper.

Luckily the guy in the shop gave me a rough guide.

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My grandfather tried to start his own company building airplanes.

But he couldn’t get it off the ground.

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I’ve just started time travelling with an old friend of mine.

We go back a long way.

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I used to have a job drilling for oil.

It was boring.

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I had to start singing when I realized I didn’t have

enough money to get into the public toilets.

I was busking for a piss.

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Every summer, my dad would take me to the beach,

put me in a chest and bury me in the sand.

Treasured memories.

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I’m having difficulty creating saline water.

I can’t work out if salt is part of the problem or part of the solution.

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I only got it two weeks and already my

Chinese sound system is broken.

So stereotypical.

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You know you’re in red neck territory when the

girls think Timberland is a theme park for lumberjacks.

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You know what seems odd to me?

Numbers that aren’t divisible by two.

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I heard that Rapunzel used to be a real party animal.

She was always letting her hair down.

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After a hard day at work I thought it would be funny

to give my boss a big pat on the back.

That was my last day working on his farm.

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As I sat down to dinner with Gaius Marius, Julius Caesar

and my wife, she rolled her eyes and said

“No, I said I wanted more ROMANCE in our relationship”.

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I drink so much my liver is more like a dier.

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Monk: “What porn is acceptable?”

Archbishop: “Nun.”

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The banker said he could offer me a credit card with no interest.

I said, “Then why are you doing it?”

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I got sacked from NASA for falling asleep on the rocket.

It completely ruined the salad at their summer barbecue.

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Once on vacation my friend fell over a pyramid and hurt his mouth.

Egypt his tooth.

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The duck said to the bartender,

‘put it on my bill.’

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I was in a Chinese restaurant last night and I asked

the waiter if there were any Chinese Jews.

He walked off then came back a while later and said,

“No we only have apple juice, lemon juice or orange juice.”

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Check This One Out: 1

 “Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Once again the clue to today’s post was in the title.

And since you checked the one in the title out why not check the rest of them out too.

Here is the latest selection of puns for you to endure or hopefully, enjoy.

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Tell you what floats my boat.

Water.

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What do houseflies and Mac users have in common?

Neither of them understand how Windows work.

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Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away…

or is it just one of Granny’s myths?

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I for one…

…but that’s Roman numerals for you.

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I knew a guy who fell into an industrial grinding machine.

He’s fine now.

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I have no beef with vegetarians.

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I slipped on some dog s**t the other day.

It didn’t suit me though.

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I hate it how people keep texting me “k”.

I am very rarely in the mood to talk about potassium.

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I bought some biscuits yesterday, on the packet it said,

“Store in a cool place.”

So I mailed them to Samuel L. Jackson’s house.

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When I was a kid people used to cover me

in cream and put a cherry on my head,

it was tough being brought up in the gateau.    

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I bought a CD which was just the sound of water flowing.

I didn’t like it though, it was too main-stream.

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A bartender drowned in a tidal wave of tonic water after a case exploded,

he was schwepped away.

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There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. 

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Ten words, two commas, an exclamation mark

and a period all appeared in court yesterday…

They’re due to be sentenced next week.

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The other day, an attendant stopped me in a hospital car park to tell me,

“You can’t park here. It’s badge holders only.”

I replied, “But I have got a bad shoulder.”

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Do you think “Gone With The Wind”

started out as just a draft?

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I was pulled over by the police today.

“How fast do you think you were going, sir?”

“60mph?” I asked.

“Try 135,” the officer replied.

So I shut the door and drove as fast as I could.

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The French are concerned that 77% of their electricity comes from nuclear power.

I think they should stop over-reacting.

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I’m scared of trampolines.

They make me jump.

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At last I’ve found out the reason that women ask so many questions.

Apparently they have an extra why chromosome.

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Blunt Knives Are Pointless

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Blunt knives may be pointless, but let’s hope these puns aren’t.

Here we go with another selection of the word play bad jokes.

Enjoy.

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He drove his expensive car into a tree

and found out how the Mercedes bends.

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When two egotists meet,

it’s an I for an I.

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I don’t know why the chicken did it

but crossing the road was poultry in motion.

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I was walking down the street today when this hippie jumped

out of nowhere and shoved a joss stick in my face.

I was incensed!

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When I was a kid I wanted to be a history teacher

but when I got older I realized there was no future in it.

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One of the girls at the local S&M club had a birthday last week.

We had a whip round for her.

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73% of women buy clothes but never wear them.

I’d like to meet those women.

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The other week I made a joke about Alzheimer’s live on TV.

You should have seen the envelopes I got.

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I hate germ warfare.

It gets right on my nerves.

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The President says that terrorism poses a threat to every single person in the USA.

That doesn’t bother me – I got married last week.

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A jumper cable walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

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I used to hunt seals in my youth.
I’m getting a bit old for the club scene now.

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Old McDonald had a farm.

Sang the cheery repossession man

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Don’t take life too seriously;

No one gets out alive.

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Happy Thanksgiving Day Everybody

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Well it’s Thursday again BUT it’s also Thanksgiving Day so perhaps some people will have a lot better things to do than read my blog today.

Whatever you are doing and wherever you are doing it, have a great and a lovely celebration whether you are with family, friends or just on your own.

For those who do care to take a few minutes to check out this blog, particularly for those in other countries who may not be celebrating on this particular day here is another selection of the bad jokes we like to call puns.

I just had to post this today because tomorrow I’ll probably be doing cold turkey. 

In case you hadn’t noticed, we’ve started. Read on and enjoy!

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I used to be a banker but I lost interest  

 

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How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket.

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Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.        

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He wears glasses during math because it improves division.      

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A bacteria walked into a bar and the bartender said, ‘We don’t serve bacteria in this place.’

The bacteria said, ‘But I work here, I’m staph.’

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He has been a jogger for three years running.    

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In a recession, the most secure job is garbage-man. Business is always picking up.

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Do optometrists live long because they dilate?

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I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.

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I just got of these new reversible jackets? I’m excited to see how it turns out.

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John Deere’s manure spreader is the only equipment the company won’t stand behind.

 

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Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink. 

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I’m not a big fan of archery. It has too many strings attached and lots of drawbacks.

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I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn’t help me.

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Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He just couldn’t resistor.

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A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.

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Is the patron saint of poverty St. Nickeless.

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My new theory on inertia doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.

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I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.         

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Weight loss mantra? Fat chants!

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