Exit Signs Are On The Way Out!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Exit signs may well be on the way out, but thankfully a bit of word play isn’t.

Welcome to pun day.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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Isn’t it odd that the word “sneaky”

doesn’t have some silent letters in it?

psyneaky

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Every time the fishmonger lost his knife it always

turned up in the last plaice he looked.

plaice

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Bill: “I think my decision to become a vegetarian

was definitely a missed steak.”

Ted: “I couldn’t agree more.

Perhaps we’ll meat again some day.”

the_vegetarian_butcher

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You know, when you think about it,

velcro is a rip off.

TeflonVelcro

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Did you hear about the new porn search engine?

It’s called “go ogle”.

googling_cartoon

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I had my paper ripped up in front of me

and was thrown out of my Xerox Engineers’ exam today.

One of the invigilators caught me not copying.

xerox-cards

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I’ve broken a few hearts in my day,

which turned out to be a good thing.

It made me realize that being a

cardiologist just wasn’t my thing.

broken-heart-icon

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Psychologists say that the left half of the brain

is responsible for kleptomania and numeracy.

So it really is the taking part that counts

cartoon-brain-1

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A gold nugget walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “A U get the hell outta here”

gold-nugget-smiling

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Did you hear about the contortionist

who got arrested for indecent exposure.

He’s worried he’ll have it hanging over

his head for the rest of his life.

contortionist

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There was a knock on my door and when

I opened it a pollster was outside.

She said, “Do you like tents?”

“No,” I replied. “Why?”

“Well,” she said. “We’re canvassing the whole area.”

polling-cartoon

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I’ve just seen some new door bells in the

January sales at prices you just can’t knock.

doorbell

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My friend was telling me that this Christmas just passed,

his girlfriend got naked, covered herself in wrapping paper,

and waited for him on his bed.

What a great way to present yourself.

Woman wrapping paper

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My wife said I needed to bond with my son.

So I had him make me a martini, shaken, not stirred.

bond-martini_header

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One of our friends has been dressing up as ‘Wolverine’

every day for the last week and we’re getting a bit worried about him.

I asked him if he thought he really was ‘Wolverine’.

“Nah.” he said. “It’s just a huge act, man”.

wolverine

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It’s Better To Love A Short Girl Than Not A Tall.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It may be better to love a short girl than not a tall, but it’s definitely better to have a read at some puns than not at all.

Another selection guaranteed to extract a few laughs or groans.

Enjoy!

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I’m going out tonight to prove I can travel by bus without a valid ticket.

I’ll let you know how I got on.

bus stop

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I feel that geographical puns are beneath me;

there’s Norway I’d go Oslo as that.

Maths puns are the first sine of madness.

My wife said she’s getting fed up of my constant guitar puns.

I told her not to fret.

view-of-human-fingers-on-guitar-fret-board

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What is yellow and white, and throws itself off the edge of the dining table?

A lemming meringue.

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My dentist just won ‘dentist of the year’

All he got was a little plaque.

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Pancake day really crepe’d up on me this year.

Pancakes

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Suicide bombers: what makes them tick?

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I used to have a job operating an elevator.

It had its ups and downs…

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A bloke walks into a pub and orders himself a pint.

He notices Vincent Van Gogh is sitting on the next barstool and asks him if he wants a pint, too.

“No thanks,” replies Vincent. “I’ve got one ear.”

van gogh

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My mate said he had a new job at a Bowling Alley.

I said, “Ten Pin?”

He replied, “No – it’s permanent.”

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Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

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Exit signs. They’re on the way out, aren’t they?”

exit

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