Just Been On Holiday In The South Of France….. It Was Nice!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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A nice holiday in Nice, how nice.

Yes, pun day again folks.

Strap yourselves in and…..

Enjoy or endure!

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Working as a cake waiter at a wedding,

I saw the most beautiful girl from across the room.

I immediately took a fancy to her.

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What berries do fat people enjoy the most?

Cadburys!

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Guess what is in the middle of nowhere…

‘h’

 

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I got bullied as a child for having glasses.

Every other kid in the neighborhood could only afford paper cups.

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A female police officer used a taser gun on me yesterday.

She was stunning.

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Two hours ago I told my kid to shut his mouth and eat his supper.

The poor boy is still sitting at the table trying to figure out how to do it.

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I was supposed to go for a job interview

as a camouflage expert last week.

I didn’t turn up, and I got the job!

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Did you hear the one about the depressed frog?

He wanted to kermit suicide.

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I caught my wife with another man last night.

Don’t worry though, it’s a trapeze act.

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I accidently left an apple outside my local Doctor’s surgery.

Now I’m worried he won’t be able to get in.

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I’m considering becoming a mind reader.

What are your thoughts?

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I’ve just invented a machine that can immediately

tell you what condition a painting is in.

It’s state-of-the-art technology.

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When you type

“Missing medieval servant”  

into Google it comes up with

“Page not found”

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A man walked into a bar and ordered half a coke.

The barman said “OK”.

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I went into the music store earlier and asked the guy

behind the counter if they had anything by Run DMC.

“Walk this way,” he replied.

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Is It Just Me, Or Are There Any Other Anagrams Of Em?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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No, it’s not just me.

Loads of people like puns and pun day.

Here’s another one.

Enjoy!

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If you’re fishing for compliments

it’s best to use allure.

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I just pitched a tent in the garden.

Surprised myself how far I could throw it.

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I was telling a friend that I made a

ventriloquist’s dummy out of some old carpet.

“Any good?” he queried.

“Nah, it’s ruggish,” I replied.

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I was stunned to find my Taser gun was still switched on.

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I shouldn’t have dumped my girlfriend after

overhearing her making fun of my poor endowment.

Turned out she was a financial adviser

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I’ve been using X and Y chromosomes in my

adverts recently since, after all, sex cells…

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Last night I looked up at the stars and thought:

“It’s crap being a dwarf in Hollywood.”

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When I was young, I used to think CCTV was

a very positive Spanish television channel.

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I’ve got an injured extraterrestrial in my shed.

He’s missing an eye.

I’ve called him Alen.

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My dog’s been sitting in the corner, feeling

sorry for himself, for three days.

I knew I shouldn’t have bought a Pitiful Terrier

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I saw a headline in the local paper:

“Huge Grant Saves Derelict Theatre”.

I thought: That was nice of him.

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I’m a doctor. My wife’s a judge.

She knows how to try my patients.

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My missus says she is leaving me because of my obsession with pool.

“Come on love”, I said. “Give me a break”.

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I thought I’d dug up an unknown species

of dinosaur in my back garden.

Excitedly I phoned the Natural History Museum,

but it turned out to be a fossil arm.

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I’ve taken thousands of showers over the years.

Never been caught once.

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A friend asked me if I knew any words that could describe relief.

I told him I know a phew

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I bought a new thesaurus today.

It’s nothing to write house about.

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I went for a colonic irrigation today,

then got hit with a huge $659 bill.

It really cleaned me out.

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I phoned up the incontinence hotline today and

the lady on the other end asked where I’m ringing from.

I said, “From the waist down.”

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What do Mexican Robots Eat?

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