Starting: What Jamaican Astronomers Look At.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Starting with a star ting must mean it’s Pun Day.

Another selection of word plays for you to ….

Enjoy or endure!

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Sadly, the man who invented

the raffle has passed away.

R.I.P Tom Bola.

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I’ve been merciless with my French class.

I get no thanks.

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I was standing on soft ground

but I didn’t realize at first

because it took a while to sink in.

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If you give a physicist to a cannibal,

he’ll eat Faraday.

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I’ve read ‘Plumbing For Dummies’ twice and

I still haven’t got a clue what I’m doing.

I guess it’s going to take another

few reads before this sinks in.

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If your dad had a sex change,

would he be your transparent.

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Chinese censors are trying to

ban the use of puns in the media.

This is the wong move, and I hope

Western governments don’t panda to it.

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I’m beginning to see loads of second

hand shops opening up in my area.

Surely selling the complete clock

would be more profitable???

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I just built a huge tower of books.

It had to be like 50 stories.

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When David Rockefeller was asked to make

a contribution to the American conservation movement,

he planted two Bushes in the White House.

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Have you seen the new

’30 minutes or it’s free’

cocaine home delivery service?

They call it Instagram.

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My boyfriend took me out in his new Ferrari last night,

and spent the whole time going on about acceleration,

power-to-weight ratios, handling and braking efficiency,

before dropping me at home and zooming off into the night. 

Frankly, I was hoping for less torque and more action.

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I went to the doctor because

of my morbid fear of breasts.

He said I’m suffering from

aracknophobia.

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I met this dwarf called Peter the other day,

he’s a baker and he was telling

me all about baking flatbreads,

it was fascinating.

I love to hear the

Pita patter of tiny Pete.

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Music puns,

Not everyone can Handel them…

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Is It Just Me, Or Are There Any Other Anagrams Of Em?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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No, it’s not just me.

Loads of people like puns and pun day.

Here’s another one.

Enjoy!

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If you’re fishing for compliments

it’s best to use allure.

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I just pitched a tent in the garden.

Surprised myself how far I could throw it.

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I was telling a friend that I made a

ventriloquist’s dummy out of some old carpet.

“Any good?” he queried.

“Nah, it’s ruggish,” I replied.

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I was stunned to find my Taser gun was still switched on.

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I shouldn’t have dumped my girlfriend after

overhearing her making fun of my poor endowment.

Turned out she was a financial adviser

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I’ve been using X and Y chromosomes in my

adverts recently since, after all, sex cells…

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Last night I looked up at the stars and thought:

“It’s crap being a dwarf in Hollywood.”

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When I was young, I used to think CCTV was

a very positive Spanish television channel.

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I’ve got an injured extraterrestrial in my shed.

He’s missing an eye.

I’ve called him Alen.

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My dog’s been sitting in the corner, feeling

sorry for himself, for three days.

I knew I shouldn’t have bought a Pitiful Terrier

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I saw a headline in the local paper:

“Huge Grant Saves Derelict Theatre”.

I thought: That was nice of him.

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I’m a doctor. My wife’s a judge.

She knows how to try my patients.

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My missus says she is leaving me because of my obsession with pool.

“Come on love”, I said. “Give me a break”.

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I thought I’d dug up an unknown species

of dinosaur in my back garden.

Excitedly I phoned the Natural History Museum,

but it turned out to be a fossil arm.

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I’ve taken thousands of showers over the years.

Never been caught once.

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A friend asked me if I knew any words that could describe relief.

I told him I know a phew

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I bought a new thesaurus today.

It’s nothing to write house about.

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I went for a colonic irrigation today,

then got hit with a huge $659 bill.

It really cleaned me out.

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I phoned up the incontinence hotline today and

the lady on the other end asked where I’m ringing from.

I said, “From the waist down.”

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What do Mexican Robots Eat?

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Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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In case the title didn’t give it away, today is pun day!

Hurrah and enjoy!!

But first a quick medical alert….

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Medical Alert:

When you play golf iron deficiencies

can lead to a risk of increased strokes.

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I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from.

Then it dawned on me.

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I was devastated when my girlfriend left me for a dwarf.

I never thought she would stoop so low

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“I only have diamonds, clubs and spades,”

said Tom heartlessly

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Ever wonder why the person who invented the door knocker

wasn’t awarded a No-bell prize.

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I walked down a street where the houses were numbered

64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane.

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If anyone ever says to you that they’ve lost their voice,

They’re lying.

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Tires are fixed for a flat rate.

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If you suffer from kleptomania,

should you take something for it?

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I’ve taken up a part time course in counterfeiting.

I’m forging ahead.

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I broke up with my girlfriend last night.

It happened on the forecourt of a gas station.

Very emotional breakup.

She was in tears and I was filling up….

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The latest market research shows a growing trend

for eating high-fibre cereal for breakfast,

with the result that people are experiencing

greater regularity in their bowel movements.

With trends like that,

who needs enemas?

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Did you hear about the bird that sat on an axe?

It was trying to hatchet

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A boy came into the house with a sofa on his back.

His mother said,

“How many times have I told you not to accept suites from strangers!?”

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I was watching a tv program about the people in Holland who make their traditional clogs?

I thought, I’d like to try that

Wooden shoe?

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A fishing boat is working the North Sea, when suddenly it starts shipping water.

It puts out a Mayday message:

“Help! Help! We are sinking!”

A few minutes back the reply comes through:

“Zis is ze German coastguard. Vot are you sinking about?”

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I’ve eaten steak tartar,

but only on rare occasions

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un oeuf is enough as they say in France!

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My laptop is broken.

It just keeps playing “Skyfall” over and over again.

Probably because it’s a Dell.

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