Veni, Vidi, Velcro… I Came, I Saw, I Stuck Around.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I hope you stick around too, because it’s another Pun Day.

You know the drill….

Enjoy or endure!

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My little cousin has been diagnosed with an unusual case of OCD

where all he does all day is organize dinner plates by the year they were made,

It’s an extremely rare dish-order

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I’ve written my own book

called 50 Shades of Gravy.

It’s very saucy.

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I’m an easy target for muggers.

Take it from me.

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I knew I had failed my Braille exam at the time.

It just felt wrong.

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“How’s your new stairlift nan?”

“It’s driving me up the wall.”

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Just finished an experiment to find

the best cure for hiccups.

The result was a big surprise.

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I stabbed someone with a blunt pencil today.

It was an act of pointless violence.

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I just took some pills and now my pupils look massive!

I really shouldn’t take hallucinogenic drugs while teaching.

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The wife would like us to feel a gentle and relaxing breeze

all over our bodies when we have sex.

I’m not a fan.

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I thought I’d dug up an unknown

species of dinosaur in my back garden.

Excitedly I phoned the Natural History Museum,

but it turned out to be a fossil arm.

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Do you think eating horse meat

would give you the trots?

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I got my girlfriend the Connery and Dalton

James Bond movies for her birthday,

but she wasn’t happy.

I think she was expecting Moore.

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Hungry astronomers don’t like galaxies,

they prefer something that’s a little meteor.

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I have an Eskimo fetish,

but most people just aren’t that Inuit.

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I’ve booked a table at one of those new

Elvis Presley-themed steakhouses.

They’re for people who love meat tender.

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Is It Just Me, Or Are There Any Other Anagrams Of Em?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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No, it’s not just me.

Loads of people like puns and pun day.

Here’s another one.

Enjoy!

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If you’re fishing for compliments

it’s best to use allure.

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I just pitched a tent in the garden.

Surprised myself how far I could throw it.

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I was telling a friend that I made a

ventriloquist’s dummy out of some old carpet.

“Any good?” he queried.

“Nah, it’s ruggish,” I replied.

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I was stunned to find my Taser gun was still switched on.

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I shouldn’t have dumped my girlfriend after

overhearing her making fun of my poor endowment.

Turned out she was a financial adviser

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I’ve been using X and Y chromosomes in my

adverts recently since, after all, sex cells…

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Last night I looked up at the stars and thought:

“It’s crap being a dwarf in Hollywood.”

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When I was young, I used to think CCTV was

a very positive Spanish television channel.

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I’ve got an injured extraterrestrial in my shed.

He’s missing an eye.

I’ve called him Alen.

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My dog’s been sitting in the corner, feeling

sorry for himself, for three days.

I knew I shouldn’t have bought a Pitiful Terrier

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I saw a headline in the local paper:

“Huge Grant Saves Derelict Theatre”.

I thought: That was nice of him.

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I’m a doctor. My wife’s a judge.

She knows how to try my patients.

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My missus says she is leaving me because of my obsession with pool.

“Come on love”, I said. “Give me a break”.

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I thought I’d dug up an unknown species

of dinosaur in my back garden.

Excitedly I phoned the Natural History Museum,

but it turned out to be a fossil arm.

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I’ve taken thousands of showers over the years.

Never been caught once.

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A friend asked me if I knew any words that could describe relief.

I told him I know a phew

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I bought a new thesaurus today.

It’s nothing to write house about.

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I went for a colonic irrigation today,

then got hit with a huge $659 bill.

It really cleaned me out.

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I phoned up the incontinence hotline today and

the lady on the other end asked where I’m ringing from.

I said, “From the waist down.”

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What do Mexican Robots Eat?

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For Sale: Replica Fisherman’s Knife (Made To Scale).

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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First pun day of August folks.

The months may change but pun day is forever, or until I run out of puns whichever comes first.

So here are today’s selection.

I hope you enjoy them.

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I’ve decided to take the day off today.

I’m just going to call it to.

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I’m in a heavy metal band.

I play lead.

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I filled my car up with gasoline this morning.

Wish I hadn’t now, the seats are ruined.

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Is nothing built in America any more?

I got a new TV the other day and on the box it said

‘BUILT IN ANTENNA’.

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My garden is only 36 inches wide.

More like a yard.

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My grandfather is a Cold War veteran

He can’t afford to put the heating on.

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It’s not hard getting to work in the snow,

you just need a bit of grit.

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My neighbor just showed me his new wind turbine.

I was blown away,

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Well the judge said that from now on

I can only see my children with supervision.

I said why, how far away will they be?

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I dropped my cell phone in the bath yesterday.

I said to my wife, “My phone is finished”.

She said, “It might still work, have you tried ringing it?”

I said, “Yes, but not much water is coming out”.

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I just bought an alcoholic ginger beer.

He wasn’t pleased.

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Sometimes I enjoy my steak under cooked,

Of course, that’s rare.

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I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

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In class today the teacher gave me a square piece of paper

and asked if I could turn it into an octagon.

“Sure,” I said. “I’ll have it done for next week, sir.”

“No, I need it now,” was the reply.

“Okay, I’ll have to cut a few corners though.”

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I was chatting to a couple of girls today.

I said, “Give me your numbers and we can go out for a drink sometime”.

One of the girls said, “Okay, give us two secs.”

I said, “No problem, that’s exactly what I had in mind.”

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I’ve invented a device called a ‘base-ball.’

I’m thinking of pitching it on Shark Tank.

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I walked past some joggers in the park today.

They weren’t very fast.

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I was at the observatory the other day.

The astronomer said to me, “Look at this massive star!”

I replied, “Actually, that’s a cluster of stars, if it’s any constellation.”

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I went to the Natural History Museum and

saw the two bees that Noah took with him.

They were in the archives.

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Now, for the final trick, I’m going to turn this

Grandfather clock to one hundredth of its original size…

Watch….

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