Who needs rhetorical questions.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

It a bit like asking, who needs Puns when you know everybody does!

And here’s some more.

Enjoy or endure!!

.

rofl

.

Apparently most people lean slightly

forward when they nod their head.

I must say I’m inclined to agree.

 nodding head yes

.

.

Where do people from Senegal drive?

In Dakar

 Dakar

.

.

Someone just threw a bottle

of Omega 3 pills at me.

Don’t worry, I only suffered

super fish oil injuries.

 Omega 3 pills

.

.

Skydiving without a parachute is

a once in a lifetime experience.

 Skydiving without a parachute

.

.

Past, Present and Future walked into a Bar

It was tense.

 Past, Present and Future

.

.

I work as a waiter.

The pay isn’t great

but I put food on the table.

 waiter

.

.

What do you call someone who points out the obvious?

Someone who points out the obvious.

 someone who points out the obvious

.

.

Passport Inspectors:

You’ve got to hand it to them

 Passport Inspector

.

.

My ex-wife was deaf.

She left me for a deaf friend of hers.

To be honest,

I should have seen the signs.

 deaf

.

.

When I was little I had imaginary friends

and I used to play with them all the time.

They were real people,

I just imagined they were my friends.

 imaginary friends

.

.

Coke dealers.

Always sticking their business

in other people’s noses.

 Coke dealers

.

.

The Beach Boys walk into a bar

“Round?”

“Round?”

“Get a round”

“I get a round?”

“Get a round….”

.

.

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If It Wasn’t For Blinds It Would Be Curtains For All Of Us.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Thankfully it isn’t curtains for Pun Day either.

Here is another selection for you to….

Enjoy or endure!

.

rofl

.

I bought a herb plant today.

It’s in great condition.

It’s mint.

Mint Herb

.

.

I missed my miniature Indian musical

instrument practice last night.

I couldn’t find a baby sitar.

indian-sitar

.

.

Q.S.V.X.X.

The National Society

of Bad Abbreviators.

nsba-logo

.

.

I can’t seem to get on the Lilt website.

It keeps saying it’s refreshing!

lilt_product_pack

.

.

I went to the doctor’s today.

He said, “You’re dying.”

I said, “How do you know?”

He said, “Your eyebrows are a different color.”

Alistair Darling

.

.

Have you ever wondered what

happened to the first Timbuk?

Timbuktu

.

.

Saw a man this morning wheel spinning in the snow

not really getting anywhere. He was furious.

Shouting, swearing, going absolutely mental.

He needs to get a grip, I thought to myself.

car wheels spinning in snow

.

.

I was almost late for my Cocaine Awareness lecture.

Talk about cutting it fine.

cocaine awareness lecture

.

.

Know who I blame for the rise of drugs in schools?

The supply teachers.

selling drugs in schools

.

.

Nine of my mum’s sisters have been standing

outside the Church all night holding candles.

You can’t beat vigil aunties.

ChurchCandles

.

.

I’ve just bought a new sub-zero refrigerator.

How cool is that?

sub-zero refrigerator

.

.

I went to an Italian restaurant

and they had spaghetti on the menu.

So I had to call the waiter to wipe it off.

spaghetti on the menu

.

.

I never apologize.

I’m sorry,

but that’s just the way I am.

sorry

.

.

My therapist isn’t being very supportive

because she thinks I’m never going to be able

to stop exposing myself to women.

Well I’ll show her.

Flasher

.

.

My boss asked me to find him a bulldog clip today.

So I emailed him a YouTube video of one riding a skateboard.

.

.

=====================================

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Just Been On Holiday In The South Of France….. It Was Nice!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

A nice holiday in Nice, how nice.

Yes, pun day again folks.

Strap yourselves in and…..

Enjoy or endure!

. rofl

.

Working as a cake waiter at a wedding,

I saw the most beautiful girl from across the room.

I immediately took a fancy to her.

fancy

.

.

What berries do fat people enjoy the most?

Cadburys!

Cadburys-Dairy-Milk

.

.

Guess what is in the middle of nowhere…

‘h’

 

nowhere

.

.

I got bullied as a child for having glasses.

Every other kid in the neighborhood could only afford paper cups.

disposable-paper-cups-glasses

.

.

A female police officer used a taser gun on me yesterday.

She was stunning.

taser

.

.

Two hours ago I told my kid to shut his mouth and eat his supper.

The poor boy is still sitting at the table trying to figure out how to do it.

cartoon kid mouth shut

.

.

I was supposed to go for a job interview

as a camouflage expert last week.

I didn’t turn up, and I got the job!

camouflage expert

.

.

Did you hear the one about the depressed frog?

He wanted to kermit suicide.

kermit

.

.

I caught my wife with another man last night.

Don’t worry though, it’s a trapeze act.

trapeze act

.

.

I accidently left an apple outside my local Doctor’s surgery.

Now I’m worried he won’t be able to get in.

an apple a day keeps the doctor away

.

.

I’m considering becoming a mind reader.

What are your thoughts?

mind reader

.

.

I’ve just invented a machine that can immediately

tell you what condition a painting is in.

It’s state-of-the-art technology.

state of the art

.

.

When you type

“Missing medieval servant”  

into Google it comes up with

“Page not found”

Page

.

.

A man walked into a bar and ordered half a coke.

The barman said “OK”.

half a coke

.

.

I went into the music store earlier and asked the guy

behind the counter if they had anything by Run DMC.

“Walk this way,” he replied.

.

.

===========================================

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I Had To Post A Few Turkey Puns Today, Of Course They Are Fowl.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

A very happy Thanksgiving to all in America who read this.

I hope everyone everywhere, not just in America, is getting into the spirit of the day and giving thanks for the many good things in their lives.

But Thanksgiving or not, it’s still pun day. A little different today in that there is a mixture of pictorial puns with a distinct nautical theme and, of course, puns with a Thanksgiving theme too.

Enjoy!

.

rofl

.

What does a turkey like to eat on Thanksgiving?

Nothing; they are already stuffed.

.111111

picture pun 001 Seas The Day

.

Why did the turkey cross the road?

To show that he wasn’t chicken.

.

picture pun 002 Aqua Holic

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Why is a turkey similar to a ghost?

Because it’s a-gobblin.

.

picture pun 003 Cirrhosis Of The River

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Why did the Pilgrim kill the turkey?

Because he was in a fowl mood.

.

picture pun 004 Aboat Time

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Or, as the turkey said to the Pilgrim,

“You’re a no-good baster.”

.

picture pun 005 Pier Pressure

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Why are turkeys so good at arithmetic?

Because they count the number of chopping days until Thanksgiving.

.

picture pun 006 Piece Of Ship

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Why did the turkey bolt down his food?

Because she was a gobbler.

.

picture pun 007 Nautibuoy

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Did you hear about the conservative turkey?

It has two right wings.

.

picture pun 008 Ship For Brains

.

As the leftover turkey said after it was wrapped up and refrigerated,

“Foiled again.”

.

picture pun 009 Sex Sea

.

If April showers bring May flowers what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims!

.

picture pun 010 Deep Ship

.

What sound does a space turkey make?

Hubble, hubble, hubble.

.

picture pun 011 Pugboat

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Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?

The outside!

.

picture pun 012 Sails Call

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What can you never eat for Thanksgiving dinner?

Breakfast or lunch!

.

picture pun 013 The Codfather

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Thanksgiving:

when turkeys turn from gobblers to gobblees.

.

picture pun 014 Moor Often Than Knot

.

Did you hear about the waiter

who dropped a Thanksgiving dinner on the floor

and feared he had created an international incident?

It was the downfall of Turkey,

the ruin of Greece,

and the breaking up of China.

.

===================================

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E-mail Is Post, Modern.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

E-mail is post, modern – get it?

Yes, it’s pun day again.

Enjoy!

.

rofl

.

The poet had written better poems,

but he’d also written verse.

poetry_butcher_colour_new

.

.

Those who get too big for their britches

will be exposed in the end.

ripped pants

.

.

“This must be an aerobics class!”

the blonde worked out at the gym.

step aerobics

.

.

When the doctor told him he was missing 

a left ventricle and a left aorta 

the patient laughed half-heartedly.

half_hearted

.

.

I’ve got some good advice for the camera shy.

Use coconuts instead.

cartoon-coconut-joke

.

.

I like European food so I decided to Russia over there

because I was Hungary. After Czech’ing the menu

I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished

I told the waiter, Spain good,

but there is Norway I could eat another bite

europe_map_political

.

.

Those who study the moon are optimists

– they look at the bright side.

moon bright dark sides

.

.

To learn rope tricks you have to be taut.

rope trick

.

.

You know, vultures can make really good comedy actors.

I really loved them in those old “Carrion” movies.

vulture

.

.

When a skunk walked in, the judge said,

‘odor in the court’.

Skunk

.

.

How does it change many dyslexics to take a light-bulb?

Dyslexic-CPR

.

.

I had an accident in chemistry class yesterday

when I spilled some sodium chloride

and sulphuric acid over myself.

It was terrible.

I didn’t know how to react.

chemistry class

.

.

I’ve just gone into the bedroom

and someone’s stolen my bed.

Honestly.

I’m not lying.

empty-master-bedroom

.

.

My friends tell me that I’m terrible at telling jokes.

I always punch up the mess line.

spitzer_punchline

.

.

The phone rings, and the wife answers it.

A pervert, with heavy breathing, says,

“I bet you have a tight ass with no hair.”

Woman replies, “Yes, he’s watching TV – who shall I say is calling?”

woman-in-curlers-and-her-robe-answering-a-phone-call-by-ron-leishman-16781

.

==================================

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“I Think” Said The Sweet Potato, “Therefore I Yam”

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

The clue is in the title.

We’re playing with words again.

Yes, it’s pun day.

Enjoy!

.

rofl

.

I had no idea there were so many different types of sandpaper.

Luckily the guy in the shop gave me a rough guide.

sandpaper

.

.

My grandfather tried to start his own company building airplanes.

But he couldn’t get it off the ground.

airplane

.

.

I’ve just started time travelling with an old friend of mine.

We go back a long way.

time-travel-institute

.

.

I used to have a job drilling for oil.

It was boring.

oil rig

.

.

I had to start singing when I realized I didn’t have

enough money to get into the public toilets.

I was busking for a piss.

busker

.

.

Every summer, my dad would take me to the beach,

put me in a chest and bury me in the sand.

Treasured memories.

boy with treasure map

.

.

I’m having difficulty creating saline water.

I can’t work out if salt is part of the problem or part of the solution.

eureka-lab-cartoon

.

.

I only got it two weeks and already my

Chinese sound system is broken.

So stereotypical.

sound system

.

.

You know you’re in red neck territory when the

girls think Timberland is a theme park for lumberjacks.

wacky-races-06

.

.

You know what seems odd to me?

Numbers that aren’t divisible by two.

Numbers-5-17-11-color

.

.

I heard that Rapunzel used to be a real party animal.

She was always letting her hair down.

rapunzel__rapunzel__let_down_your_hair__by_miamidoll-d59m7pi

.

.

After a hard day at work I thought it would be funny

to give my boss a big pat on the back.

That was my last day working on his farm.

cartoon-cow-pat-fly-buffet

.

.

As I sat down to dinner with Gaius Marius, Julius Caesar

and my wife, she rolled her eyes and said

“No, I said I wanted more ROMANCE in our relationship”.

Romans at dinner

.

.

I drink so much my liver is more like a dier.

Most Funny Drunk Animals (5)

.

.

Monk: “What porn is acceptable?”

Archbishop: “Nun.”

catholiccartoonblog-pope-abuse-scandal-press-kick-me

.

.

The banker said he could offer me a credit card with no interest.

I said, “Then why are you doing it?”

credit card cartoon2

.

.

I got sacked from NASA for falling asleep on the rocket.

It completely ruined the salad at their summer barbecue.

rocket-salad-denna-jones-flickr

.

.

Once on vacation my friend fell over a pyramid and hurt his mouth.

Egypt his tooth.

pyramids-of-egypt-cartoonpyramids-by-alexei-talimonov-media-culture-cartoon-toonpool-vrthbium

.

.

The duck said to the bartender,

‘put it on my bill.’

looney-tunes-520-2

.

.

I was in a Chinese restaurant last night and I asked

the waiter if there were any Chinese Jews.

He walked off then came back a while later and said,

“No we only have apple juice, lemon juice or orange juice.”

chinese restaurant

.

==================================

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Hope You Know Your Countries And A Lot Of Other Stuff – It’s Quiz Day!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

As the title suggests today there are a lot of questions concerning countries.

But don’t worry, they are related to different subjects, not necessarily geography.

And there is the usual random selection to go along with them, so why not have a go?

As usual the answers are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but NO cheating!

Enjoy the challenge.

.

quiz 2

.

Q.  1:    In Venice, what is a ‘vaporetto’?

.

.

Q.  2:    What is the difference between venom and poison?

.

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Q.  3:    Which country appeared in a record 23 consecutive Davis Cup finals between 1946 and 1968?

.

.

Q.  4:  ‘Milk’, ‘Oyster’, ‘Magic’, ‘Death Cap’, ‘Hedgehog’, ‘Maitake’ and ‘Paddy Straw‘ are all examples of what?

.

.

Q.  5:  What are the five largest countries in the world with a population density of 15 people or less per square mile? (One point for each correct answer.)

.

.

Q.  6:  Kurgan is the bad guy in which movie?

.

.

Q.  7:  How many rows of stars are there on an American flag?

.

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Q.  8:  The name of which world famous ship translated means ‘short chemise’ or ‘short undergarment’?

.

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Q.  9:  Which country is the largest wine producer in South America?

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Q. 10:  Campanology is very popular on festive occasions. What is campanology?

.

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Q. 11:  What was designed by Childe Harold Wills and was colloquially known as the “Tin Lizzie” and the “Flivver”?

.

.

Q. 12:  ‘Trapper’, ‘Hawkeye’ and ‘Radar’ appear in which TV program?

.

.

Q. 13:  What does the Greek root ‘adelph’ mean?

.

.

Q. 14:  What was the name of the 1783 treaty that formally ended the American Revolutionary War?

.

.

Q. 15:  The answer to this one is just three letters and they mean a river of southern Italy, an Indo-Chinese language and the initials of a very popular and long running American police procedural legal drama television series, What are the three letters?

.

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Q. 16:  How many normal size wine bottles would you have in a Methuselah?

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Q. 17:  What would the waiter bring to your table if you ordered ‘priest choker’ in an Italian restaurant?

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Q. 18:  Which accurate sport term is also the name of Bill Sikes’ vicious dog in the novel ‘Oliver Twist’?

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Q. 19:  What number do the Roman numerals ‘XL’ represent?

.

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Q. 20:  And finally, spell that atrocious and precocious word from the movie ‘Mary Poppins’.

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:    In Venice, what is a ‘vaporetto’?

A.  1:    A ‘vaporetto’ is a Venetian Waterbus

.

.

Q.  2:    What is the difference between venom and poison?

A.  2:    Venom is injected, poison is ingested or inhaled.

.

.

Q.  3:    Which country appeared in a record 23 consecutive Davis Cup finals between 1946 and 1968?

A.  3:  Australia

.

.

Q.  4:  ‘Milk’, ‘Oyster’, ‘Magic’, ‘Death Cap’, ‘Hedgehog’, ‘Maitake’ and ‘Paddy Straw’ are all examples of what?

A.  4:  Mushrooms

.

.

Q.  5:  What are the five largest countries in the world with a population density of 15 people or less per square mile?  (One point for each correct answer.)

A.  5:  Mongolia (4 people per sq. mile), Canada (8), Australia (8), Libya (9) and Kazakhstan (15)

.

.

Q.  6:  Kurgan is the bad guy in which movie?

A.  6:  Highlander

.

.

Q.  7:  How many rows of stars are there on an American flag?

A.  7:  9

.

.

Q.  8:  The name of which world famous ship translated means ‘short chemise’ or ‘short undergarment’?

A.  8:  Cutty Sark

.

.

Q.  9:  Which country is the largest wine producer in South America?

A.  9:  Argentina

.

.

Q. 10:  Campanology is very popular on festive occasions. What is campanology?

A. 10:  Bell ringing.

.

.

Q. 11:  What was designed by Childe Harold Wills and was colloquially known as the “Tin Lizzie” and the “Flivver”?

A. 11:  The Ford Model-T automobile

.

.

Q. 12:  ‘Trapper’, ‘Hawkeye’ and ‘Radar’ appear in which TV program?

A. 12:  M*A*S*H

.

.

Q. 13:  What does the Greek root ‘adelph’ mean?

A. 13:  Brother (as in Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love)

.

.

Q. 14:  What was the name of the 1783 treaty that formally ended the American Revolutionary War?

A. 14:  The Treaty of Paris

.

.

Q. 15:  The answer to this one is just three letters and they mean a river of southern Italy, an Indo-Chinese language and the initials of a very popular and long running American police procedural legal drama television series, What are the three letters?

A. 15:  LAO (Law and Order)

.

.

Q. 16:  How many normal size wine bottles would you have in a Methuselah?

A. 16:  8

.

.

Q. 17:  What would the waiter bring to your table if you ordered ‘priest choker’ in an Italian restaurant?

A. 17:  Pasta (Strozzapreti pasta, means ‘priest choker’)

.

.

Q. 18:  Which accurate sport term is also the name of Bill Sikes’ vicious dog in the novel ‘Oliver Twist’?

A. 18:  Bulls Eye

.

.

Q. 19:  What number do the Roman numerals ‘XL’ represent?

A. 19:  40

.

.

Q. 20:  And finally, spell that atrocious and precocious word from the movie ‘Mary Poppins’.

A. 20:  SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS

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============================================

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