Veni, Vidi, Velcro… I Came, I Saw, I Stuck Around.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

I hope you stick around too, because it’s another Pun Day.

You know the drill….

Enjoy or endure!

.

rofl

.

My little cousin has been diagnosed with an unusual case of OCD

where all he does all day is organize dinner plates by the year they were made,

It’s an extremely rare dish-order

spinning-plates

.

.

I’ve written my own book

called 50 Shades of Gravy.

It’s very saucy.

gravy

.

.

I’m an easy target for muggers.

Take it from me.

mugger

.

.

I knew I had failed my Braille exam at the time.

It just felt wrong.

Braille exam

.

.

“How’s your new stairlift nan?”

“It’s driving me up the wall.”

stairlift

.

.

Just finished an experiment to find

the best cure for hiccups.

The result was a big surprise.

Hiccups-Scare

.

.

I stabbed someone with a blunt pencil today.

It was an act of pointless violence.

blunt pencil

.

.

I just took some pills and now my pupils look massive!

I really shouldn’t take hallucinogenic drugs while teaching.

The Simpsons Homer Dilated Pupil

.

.

The wife would like us to feel a gentle and relaxing breeze

all over our bodies when we have sex.

I’m not a fan.

fan

.

.

I thought I’d dug up an unknown

species of dinosaur in my back garden.

Excitedly I phoned the Natural History Museum,

but it turned out to be a fossil arm.

fossil arm

.

.

Do you think eating horse meat

would give you the trots?

the trots

.

.

I got my girlfriend the Connery and Dalton

James Bond movies for her birthday,

but she wasn’t happy.

I think she was expecting Moore.

roger_moore___007

.

.

Hungry astronomers don’t like galaxies,

they prefer something that’s a little meteor.

meteor

.

.

I have an Eskimo fetish,

but most people just aren’t that Inuit.

Selawik-Eskimo-Woman

.

.

I’ve booked a table at one of those new

Elvis Presley-themed steakhouses.

They’re for people who love meat tender.

.

.

=======================================

.

May Day, May Day? Nope, Just Pun Day!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Mayday? No emergency here, unless you are allergic to bad jokes.

Coz it’s Pun Day again!

Enjoy or endure.

.

rofl

.

I’m in dispute with my TV program supplier

as they’re trying to charge me for my satellite dish.

I’m sure they told me it would be on the house.  

satellite dish on the house

.

.

My favourite pick up line…

‘Pick that up’        

Pick that up

.

.

Breaking News:

“UN-Staffed office bombed”

Phew, just as well there was no-one there then.      

empty-office

.

.

Today, I saw a sign at a picture framing shop that said,

“Shoot the family, hang the kids, frame the wife.”

Don’t photographers have a dark sense of humour?

picture framing shop

.

.

My New Year’s resolution is to save

enough money to buy a Velcro wall.

And I plan on sticking to it. 

Velcro wall

.

.

God is talking to one of his angels. He says,

“Boy, I just created a 24-hour period of

alternating light and darkness on Earth.”

“What are you going to do now?” asks the angel.

“Call it a day,” says God.

good-day

.

.

I came downstairs this morning

to see that my curtains were drawn.

All the furniture was real though.

curtains drawn

.

.

I saw a woman stood in her flooded front room crying.

I thought, “If anything, you’re just making it worse.” 

flooded front room crying

.

.

Do you know what really makes me smile?

Facial muscles.

face-muscles

.

.

I hired a private detective to investigate the sudden

death of my Grandad, while in intensive care.

He followed a few leads.

Faulty plug on the life support machine, apparently.

Faulty plug on the life support machine

.

.

My son was up all night answering questions about resistors.

His Physics teacher always sets too much Ohm work.

Ohm work

.

.

Towards the end of the Jurassic period,

the Thesaurus was the first dinosaur to become

extinct, obsolete, belated, vanished and wiped out.

thesaurus_t-shirt

.

.

Body-snatching.

It’s not the winning,

it’s the taking parts that counts.

Body-snatching

.

.

This makes no sense – yesterday my calculator

was working fine, today it isn’t working at all.

It just doesn’t add up.

calculator

.

.

When I was a boy, my friends said

quoting songs would get me nowhere.

Well, Against All Odds, Take A Look At Me Now.

.

.

=======================================

.

Is It Just Me, Or Are There Any Other Anagrams Of Em?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

No, it’s not just me.

Loads of people like puns and pun day.

Here’s another one.

Enjoy!

.

rofl

.

If you’re fishing for compliments

it’s best to use allure.

fishing for compliments

.

.

I just pitched a tent in the garden.

Surprised myself how far I could throw it.

tent--colored-cartoon-illustration

.

.

I was telling a friend that I made a

ventriloquist’s dummy out of some old carpet.

“Any good?” he queried.

“Nah, it’s ruggish,” I replied.

ventriloquist's dummy

.

.

I was stunned to find my Taser gun was still switched on.

Taser-Gun

.

.

I shouldn’t have dumped my girlfriend after

overhearing her making fun of my poor endowment.

Turned out she was a financial adviser

endowment

.

.

I’ve been using X and Y chromosomes in my

adverts recently since, after all, sex cells…

X and Y chromosomes

.

.

Last night I looked up at the stars and thought:

“It’s crap being a dwarf in Hollywood.”

grumpy dwarf

.

.

When I was young, I used to think CCTV was

a very positive Spanish television channel.

cctv4

.

.

I’ve got an injured extraterrestrial in my shed.

He’s missing an eye.

I’ve called him Alen.

one eyed alien

.

.

My dog’s been sitting in the corner, feeling

sorry for himself, for three days.

I knew I shouldn’t have bought a Pitiful Terrier

scared-dog

.

.

I saw a headline in the local paper:

“Huge Grant Saves Derelict Theatre”.

I thought: That was nice of him.

hugh grant

.

.

I’m a doctor. My wife’s a judge.

She knows how to try my patients.

judge-with-gavel

.

.

My missus says she is leaving me because of my obsession with pool.

“Come on love”, I said. “Give me a break”.

pool break

.

.

I thought I’d dug up an unknown species

of dinosaur in my back garden.

Excitedly I phoned the Natural History Museum,

but it turned out to be a fossil arm.

fossil

.

.

I’ve taken thousands of showers over the years.

Never been caught once.

shower-cartoon

.

.

A friend asked me if I knew any words that could describe relief.

I told him I know a phew

phew

.

.

I bought a new thesaurus today.

It’s nothing to write house about.

thesaurus

.

.

I went for a colonic irrigation today,

then got hit with a huge $659 bill.

It really cleaned me out.

colonic-irrigation

.

.

I phoned up the incontinence hotline today and

the lady on the other end asked where I’m ringing from.

I said, “From the waist down.”

incontinence hot line

.

.

What do Mexican Robots Eat?

Silicon-Carne

.

======================================

.

Paddling In The Shallow End – More Quiz Show Answers

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

They’re at it again. Joe Public and friends have been let loose on several more quiz shows to let the world at large see the depth of their knowledge. Suffice to say we will all be paddling in the shallow end today.

Enjoy!  

.

.

Q:  There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and . . ?

A:  Jelly.

states of matter

 .

 .

Q:  How many Olympic Games have been held?

A:  Six.

Q:  Higher!

A:  Five.

olympic games logo

 .

 .

Q:  In which country is Mount Everest?

A: (long pause): Er, it’s not in Scotland, is it?

Scots mountaineer

 .

 .

Q:  We’re looking for an occupation beginning with T.

A:  Doctor.

Q:  No, it’s ‘T’. ‘T’ for Tommy. ‘T’ for Tango.

A:  Oh, (pause) Doctor.

docTor

 .

 .

Q:  Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year?

A:  I need a clue.

Q:  OK. What do beans come in?

A:  Cartons?

beans in cans

 .

 .

Q:  In 30 seconds, name as many well-known politicians as you can.

A:  Er. . . Tony Brown. . . and Nigel Benn. (Silence.)

Nigel Benn boxer!
Nigel Benn boxer!

 .

 .

Q:  What is the Italian word for ‘motorway’?

A:  Expresso.

Espresso

 .

 .

Q:  The action of which Shakespeare play takes place between dusk on January 5 and dawn on January 6?

A:  A Midsummer Night’s Dream.

Shakespeare, to blog or not to blog

 .

 .

Q:  Was the Tyrannosaurus Rex a carnivore or a herbivore?

A:  No, it was a dinosaur.

Cartoon Tyrannosaurus Rex

 .

 .

Q:  Name the German national airline.

A:  The Luftwaffe.

Luftwaffe logo

 .

 .

Q:  What is the name of the cord cut after a woman gives birth?

A:  Biblical cord.

biblical cord cartoon

 .

 .

Q:  Which classical composer became deaf in later life: Ludwig van . . ?

A:  Van Gogh.

Beethoven

 .

 .

Q:  Name a selection of small, highly colored sweets known as Dolly . . ?

A:  Parton.

Dolly Parton

 .

 .

Q:  Name a famous bridge.

A:  The Bridge Over Troubled Waters.

Bridge Over Troubled Water

 .

 .

Q:  In 1863, which American president gave the Gettysburg Address?

A:  I don’t know, it was before I was born.

Lincoln's Gettysburg Address

 .

 .

Q:  In the 1940s, which politician was responsible for the welfare state: William . . who?

A:  The Conqueror.

William the Conqueror cartoon

 .

.

Q:  What is the name of the primitive language used by the Ancient Egyptians and painted on walls?

A:  Hydraulics.

cartoon egyptian

 .

 .

Q:  In science, what is botany the study of?

A:  Bottoms.

bottoms up

.

============================

.