I Never Contradict Myself, But I Do Sometimes.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, another day to play with words, or on words, or perhaps a bit of both.

Whatever you think is more appropriate, enjoy!

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rofl

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“Welcome to the society of people scared of decimal numbers.”

“I’m glad I managed to round you all up”

decimals

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Two communists in a nudist camp.

One says to other “have you read marx comrade?”

The other replied “Yes I think its the wicker furniture.”

giraffe-cartoon-nudist-camp

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The photocopier in my office broke.

So I called in my secretary, Tracey.

broken photocopier

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It might be me, but I just can’t think

of a better word to describe myself.

dot-me-logo

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Norman Bates, motel, shower, stab, blood,

Alfred Hitchcock, secretary, mother, knife,

Janet Leigh, bank, steal.

That’s just Psychobabble.

Psycho_(1960)

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When I worked at the funfair I used to think

that life was all swings and roundabouts.

fun_fair_by_shadowdraco

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I went crazy after I couldn’t open the new door I’d just fitted.

In hindsight I should have handled it better.

broken door handle

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My teacher asked me to name all the presidents,

which is ridiculous as they already have names.

mt-rushmore-cartoonfrederator-studios

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I had a scary moment when I was taking the packaging off

my expensive new bookcase with a sharp knife.

I damn near slit my shelf.

bookshelves

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My wife couldn’t believe she got sacked for

misplacing the company’s new storefront sign.

She’s lost four words.

lost for words

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Someone just robbed me and stole my watch.

I would have chased them,

but I didn’t have the time.

Black_and_White_Dog_Cartoon_of_a_Dog_Selling_Stolen_Watches_clipart_image

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It’s the final of the Microwave Challenge Contest tonight.

Things will get heated.

microwave

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My English teacher accused me of plagiarizing everything I write.

I didn’t make this up.

teacher pupil plagiarizing

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Hollywood producers are in talks with Dustin Hoffman

to star in a film about a Zulu warrior who dresses as a woman

to try and make it as an actor.

They’re going to call it Tutsi.

tootsie-con-dustin-hoffman

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Workers protested at a bread factory

in France because of their low income.

Their manager comes up and says,

“No pain, no gain.”

pain-de-france

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I used to own a laxatives company.

Business was hard at first and it was eventually liquidated.

laxatives blowout specials

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“Well we’re not getting on your big boat.”

the two Unicorns told Noah.

It was anarchy.

unicorns

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Just bought a really basic pair of shears.

They’re not cutting hedge anyway.

hedge shears

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I did some work experience at a drug rehab centre.

They were very thorough: they left no intern stoned.

drug rehab

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The last wedding I was invited to went off without a hitch.

The groom didn’t turn up.

Cartoon_of_a_Bride_Left_at_the_Alter_clipart_image

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It’s A Day For A Little More Word Play

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Time for another bunch of those word plays they call puns.

Get your groans ready and enjoy!

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I usually take steps to avoid elevators.

steps

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The girl wanted to lose weight so she went to the paint store. She heard she could get thinner there.

think thin

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He had a difficult time bouncing back from his bungee cord accident.

bungee accident

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The cannibal’s cookbook titled ‘How to Better Serve your Fellow Man’ was written by a guy who had a wife and ate kids.  

Cannibal joke

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My friend wore a blindfold at the shooting range, he didn’t know what he was missing.

shooting blind

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If you need something done, call an electrician – they conduit.

cartoon electrician

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Although Nobelists tend to have dynamite personalities, Niels was a Bohr, and Linus was a Pauling.

nobel_cartoon

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The police arrested me after my therapist suggested I take something for my kleptomania.

kleptomaniac

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When Peter Pan punches, they Neverland.

Peter Pan

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The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.

magician

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The new weed whacker is cutting-hedge technology.

weed whacker

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Novice pirates make terrible singers because they can’t hit the high seas.

singing pirate

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I used to be a watchmaker. It was a great job and I made my own hours.

watchmaker

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I hate the price of candy at the movie theater. They’re always raisinette.

usherette

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All the waterfowl kept their eyes closed except for one. He was a Peking Duck.  

Peking Duck

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Deafness is getting to be quite a problem for me lately. Wow, I never thought I’d hear myself say that.

deaf people talk what

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Bugs have very diverse religious views, because they are all in sects.

cartoon bug

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She’s happy to make a pair of pants for you, or at least sew its seams.

seamstress

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England doesn’t have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool

kidney cartoon

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When you think about it, mummies are bound to be uptight.

mummy

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