Sometimes I Forget How Amazing My Memory Is.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Hi everyone. Its 2015 so a Very Happy New Year to one and all.

And to get this new year off to a good start here is a bit of word play for you.

Yes, it’s Pun Day.

Enjoy or endure!

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Drums with no skins.

You can’t beat them.

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Just to clear things up,

I use a brush

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Want to hear a construction joke?

I’m building up to it.

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My leg won’t stop mooing.

I think I’ve got a calf injury.

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I’d find some affordable glasses,

in an eye deal world.

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I had a fight with some

furniture the other day.

Nobody won though,

it was a drawer.

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A Spanish magician tells the audience

he will disappear on the count of three.

He says, “Uno, dos…..”

*POOF*

….he disappeared without a tres.

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I was in good position to win the

International shoelace-tying

championships yesterday ,

But I buckled under the pressure.

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I just realized that I haven’t done

the hokey pokey in over 10 years.

I guess when you get older,

you just forget what it’s all about.

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I hated my job as an escapologist.

I couldn’t get out of it quick enough.

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An Irish ‘Star Trek’ fan has been

assassinated by the Mafia.

He was capped in Cork.

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Whenever I see a broken elevator

I stair.

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My family regard my cousin

as a skeleton in the closet.

He’s a gay anorexic.

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I’ve come to the belief that ‘crazy’

is a relative term with my family.

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Where does a Jamaican composer live?

In D flat.

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They Let The Crazy People Out Today.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Hi folks.

It’s Black Friday.

This is the day they let the crazy people out.

They wrestle and fight and tug

and roll around on the floor hitting each other

in a frenzy of greed and stupidity. 

It’s fun to watch, but I’m staying at home.

How about you?

If you want to know why then have

a look at these videos and photos.

Enjoy and be safe.

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I Never Contradict Myself, But I Do Sometimes.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, another day to play with words, or on words, or perhaps a bit of both.

Whatever you think is more appropriate, enjoy!

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“Welcome to the society of people scared of decimal numbers.”

“I’m glad I managed to round you all up”

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Two communists in a nudist camp.

One says to other “have you read marx comrade?”

The other replied “Yes I think its the wicker furniture.”

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The photocopier in my office broke.

So I called in my secretary, Tracey.

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It might be me, but I just can’t think

of a better word to describe myself.

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Norman Bates, motel, shower, stab, blood,

Alfred Hitchcock, secretary, mother, knife,

Janet Leigh, bank, steal.

That’s just Psychobabble.

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When I worked at the funfair I used to think

that life was all swings and roundabouts.

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I went crazy after I couldn’t open the new door I’d just fitted.

In hindsight I should have handled it better.

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My teacher asked me to name all the presidents,

which is ridiculous as they already have names.

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I had a scary moment when I was taking the packaging off

my expensive new bookcase with a sharp knife.

I damn near slit my shelf.

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My wife couldn’t believe she got sacked for

misplacing the company’s new storefront sign.

She’s lost four words.

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Someone just robbed me and stole my watch.

I would have chased them,

but I didn’t have the time.

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It’s the final of the Microwave Challenge Contest tonight.

Things will get heated.

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My English teacher accused me of plagiarizing everything I write.

I didn’t make this up.

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Hollywood producers are in talks with Dustin Hoffman

to star in a film about a Zulu warrior who dresses as a woman

to try and make it as an actor.

They’re going to call it Tutsi.

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Workers protested at a bread factory

in France because of their low income.

Their manager comes up and says,

“No pain, no gain.”

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I used to own a laxatives company.

Business was hard at first and it was eventually liquidated.

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“Well we’re not getting on your big boat.”

the two Unicorns told Noah.

It was anarchy.

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Just bought a really basic pair of shears.

They’re not cutting hedge anyway.

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I did some work experience at a drug rehab centre.

They were very thorough: they left no intern stoned.

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The last wedding I was invited to went off without a hitch.

The groom didn’t turn up.

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