I Never Contradict Myself, But I Do Sometimes.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Yes, another day to play with words, or on words, or perhaps a bit of both.

Whatever you think is more appropriate, enjoy!

.

rofl

.

“Welcome to the society of people scared of decimal numbers.”

“I’m glad I managed to round you all up”

decimals

.

.

Two communists in a nudist camp.

One says to other “have you read marx comrade?”

The other replied “Yes I think its the wicker furniture.”

giraffe-cartoon-nudist-camp

.

.

The photocopier in my office broke.

So I called in my secretary, Tracey.

broken photocopier

.

.

It might be me, but I just can’t think

of a better word to describe myself.

dot-me-logo

.

.

Norman Bates, motel, shower, stab, blood,

Alfred Hitchcock, secretary, mother, knife,

Janet Leigh, bank, steal.

That’s just Psychobabble.

Psycho_(1960)

.

.

When I worked at the funfair I used to think

that life was all swings and roundabouts.

fun_fair_by_shadowdraco

.

.

I went crazy after I couldn’t open the new door I’d just fitted.

In hindsight I should have handled it better.

broken door handle

.

.

My teacher asked me to name all the presidents,

which is ridiculous as they already have names.

mt-rushmore-cartoonfrederator-studios

.

.

I had a scary moment when I was taking the packaging off

my expensive new bookcase with a sharp knife.

I damn near slit my shelf.

bookshelves

.

.

My wife couldn’t believe she got sacked for

misplacing the company’s new storefront sign.

She’s lost four words.

lost for words

.

.

Someone just robbed me and stole my watch.

I would have chased them,

but I didn’t have the time.

Black_and_White_Dog_Cartoon_of_a_Dog_Selling_Stolen_Watches_clipart_image

.

.

It’s the final of the Microwave Challenge Contest tonight.

Things will get heated.

microwave

.

.

My English teacher accused me of plagiarizing everything I write.

I didn’t make this up.

teacher pupil plagiarizing

.

.

Hollywood producers are in talks with Dustin Hoffman

to star in a film about a Zulu warrior who dresses as a woman

to try and make it as an actor.

They’re going to call it Tutsi.

tootsie-con-dustin-hoffman

.

.

Workers protested at a bread factory

in France because of their low income.

Their manager comes up and says,

“No pain, no gain.”

pain-de-france

.

.

I used to own a laxatives company.

Business was hard at first and it was eventually liquidated.

laxatives blowout specials

.

.

“Well we’re not getting on your big boat.”

the two Unicorns told Noah.

It was anarchy.

unicorns

.

.

Just bought a really basic pair of shears.

They’re not cutting hedge anyway.

hedge shears

.

.

I did some work experience at a drug rehab centre.

They were very thorough: they left no intern stoned.

drug rehab

.

.

The last wedding I was invited to went off without a hitch.

The groom didn’t turn up.

Cartoon_of_a_Bride_Left_at_the_Alter_clipart_image

.

=====================================

.

Another Monday Quiz – Try It If You Dare!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

What better way to start of the week than with a quiz?

Okay, okay, so there are better ways, but this is the way we’re doing it here.

I think some of the questions are pretty tough this week, but if you are up for a challenge please have a go at them.

As always the answers are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but NO cheating!

Enjoy.

.

Quiz 9

.

Q  1:  From what animal do we get Catgut?

Q  2:  What country has more lakes that the rest of the world combined?

Q  3:  What is the collective noun for a group of Unicorns, should such a thing exist?

Q  4:  How many of each ‘clean’ animal did God tell Noah to take into the Ark?

Q  5:  How many people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th?

Q  6:  What is the name that means “Craft of the Wise Ones”?

Q  7:  What is printed on the tablet being held by the Statue of Liberty?

Q  8:  The largest Groundhog Day celebration is held in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, made famous by the film of that name starring Bill Murray and Andie McDowell. But what date is Groundhog Day?

Q  9:  By what name is the Tooth Fairy known in Mexico?

Q 10:  What former U.S. president worked as a lifeguard in his youth at a beach near Dixon, Illinois and saved over 77 lives?

Q 11:  What was the only commercial aircraft that able to break the sound barrier?

Q 12:  They were originally called Baby Gays. What do we know them better as?

Q 13:  What were the first words that Thomas A. Edison spoke into the phonograph? (Now you know this, even you think you don’t)

Q 14:  What disease killed over 20 million people worldwide in 1918?

Q 15:  Used in US English to describe a student in the second year of study at high school or university, what does the word “sophomore” literally mean?

Q 16:  The British call them a fruit machine, but what are they known as elsewhere?

Q 17:  What US State is known as “Land of Enchantment”?

Q 18:  The Tibetans call it Chomolungma. What do we know it better as?

Q 19:  The vast majority of people, male and female, have a Glabella, but what is it?

Q 20:  The largest library in the world is located in Washington D.C. What is its name?

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

ANSWERS

Q  1:  From what animal do we get Catgut?

A  1:  Catgut comes from sheep not cats.

Q  2:  What country has more lakes that the rest of the world combined?

A  2:  Canada has more lakes that the rest of the world combined.

Q  3:  What is the collective noun for a group of Unicorns, should such a thing exist?

A  3:  A group of Unicorns is called a blessing.

Q  4:  How many of each ‘clean’ animal did God tell Noah to take into the Ark?

A  4:  According to Genesis 7:2, God told Noah to take 14 of each kind of ‘clean’ animal in to the ark.

Q  5:  How many people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th?

A  5:  Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn’t added until 5 years later.

Q  6:  What is the name that means “Craft of the Wise Ones”?

A  6:  Witchcraft

Q  7:  What is printed on the tablet being held by the Statue of Liberty?

A  7:  July IV, MDCCLXXVI

Q  8:  The largest Groundhog Day celebration is held in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, made famous by the film of that name starring Bill Murray and Andie McDowell. But what date is Groundhog Day?

A  8:  Groundhog Day is on February 2nd

Q  9:  By what name is the Tooth Fairy known in Mexico?

A  9:  In Mexico the Tooth Fairy is known as the Tooth Mouse, which takes the tooth and leaves treasures in its place

Q 10:  What former U.S. president worked as a lifeguard in his youth at a beach near Dixon, Illinois and saved over 77 lives?

A 10:  Ronald Reagan

Q 11:  What was the only commercial aircraft that able to break the sound barrier?

A 11:  The Anglo-French manufactured “Concorde”.

Q 12:  They were originally called Baby Gays. What do we know them better as?

A 12:  Q-Tip Cotton Swabs

Q 13:  What were the first words that Thomas A. Edison spoke into the phonograph? (Now you know this, even if you think you don’t)

A 13:  The first words that Thomas A. Edison spoke into the phonograph were, “Mary had a little lamb.”

Q 14:  What disease killed over 20 million people worldwide in 1918?

A 14:  The flu pandemic of 1918 killed over 20 million people

Q 15:  Used in US English to describe a student in the second year of study at high school or university, what does the word “sophomore” literally mean?

A 15:  “wise moron.”

Q 16:  The British call them a fruit machine, but what are they known as elsewhere?

A 16:  A slot machine.

Q 17:  What US State is known as “Land of Enchantment”?

A 17:  New Mexico is known as the “Land of Enchantment”

Q 18:  The Tibetans call it Chomolungma. What do we know it better as?

A 18:  Mount Everest

Q 19:  The vast majority of people, male and female, have a Glabella, but what is it?

A 19:  The space between your eyebrows is called the Glabella

Q 20:  The largest library in the world is located in Washington D.C. What is its name?

A 20:  The Library of Congress

.

=======================================

.