I Never Contradict Myself, But I Do Sometimes.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”


Yes, another day to play with words, or on words, or perhaps a bit of both.

Whatever you think is more appropriate, enjoy!




“Welcome to the society of people scared of decimal numbers.”

“I’m glad I managed to round you all up”




Two communists in a nudist camp.

One says to other “have you read marx comrade?”

The other replied “Yes I think its the wicker furniture.”




The photocopier in my office broke.

So I called in my secretary, Tracey.

broken photocopier



It might be me, but I just can’t think

of a better word to describe myself.




Norman Bates, motel, shower, stab, blood,

Alfred Hitchcock, secretary, mother, knife,

Janet Leigh, bank, steal.

That’s just Psychobabble.




When I worked at the funfair I used to think

that life was all swings and roundabouts.




I went crazy after I couldn’t open the new door I’d just fitted.

In hindsight I should have handled it better.

broken door handle



My teacher asked me to name all the presidents,

which is ridiculous as they already have names.




I had a scary moment when I was taking the packaging off

my expensive new bookcase with a sharp knife.

I damn near slit my shelf.




My wife couldn’t believe she got sacked for

misplacing the company’s new storefront sign.

She’s lost four words.

lost for words



Someone just robbed me and stole my watch.

I would have chased them,

but I didn’t have the time.




It’s the final of the Microwave Challenge Contest tonight.

Things will get heated.




My English teacher accused me of plagiarizing everything I write.

I didn’t make this up.

teacher pupil plagiarizing



Hollywood producers are in talks with Dustin Hoffman

to star in a film about a Zulu warrior who dresses as a woman

to try and make it as an actor.

They’re going to call it Tutsi.




Workers protested at a bread factory

in France because of their low income.

Their manager comes up and says,

“No pain, no gain.”




I used to own a laxatives company.

Business was hard at first and it was eventually liquidated.

laxatives blowout specials



“Well we’re not getting on your big boat.”

the two Unicorns told Noah.

It was anarchy.




Just bought a really basic pair of shears.

They’re not cutting hedge anyway.

hedge shears



I did some work experience at a drug rehab centre.

They were very thorough: they left no intern stoned.

drug rehab



The last wedding I was invited to went off without a hitch.

The groom didn’t turn up.





Puns For The Educated Mind

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”


According to the dictionary, a pun is the humorous use of a word or phrase so as to emphasize or suggest its different meanings or applications, or the use of words that are alike or nearly alike in sound but different in meaning; a play on words.

I like puns. Sometimes they can be quite clever and humorous. At other times they can lead to an excruciatingly bad joke, although the worse they are the funnier they seem to be. Strange thing humor. 

I have a load of examples in the archives. Here are some to give you a taste of what may be in store.

Enjoy, (I hope)…



The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.



I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,

but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.



She was only a whiskey maker,

but he loved her still.



No matter how much you push the envelope,

it’ll still be stationery.



Would a grenade thrown into a kitchen in France result in

Linoleum Blownapart?



Two silk worms had a race.

They ended up in a tie.



A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.

The police are looking into it.



Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana.



Apparently Mitt Romney donated the entirety of his inheritance from his father to the Brigham Young University. Is this guy a Moron?


Mitt Romney and Charles Montgomery Burns
Mitt Romney and Charles Montgomery Burns


Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.

One hat said to the other, “You stay here; I’ll go on a head.”



I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.

Then it hit me.



A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:

“Keep off the Grass.”



The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison

was a small medium at large.



The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray

is now a seasoned veteran.



A backward poet writes inverse.



In a democracy it’s your vote that counts…

In feudalism it’s your count that votes.



When cannibals ate a missionary,

did they get a taste of religion?



If you jumped off the bridge in Paris ,

you’d be in Seine.



A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.

The stewardess looks at him and says,

“I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion per passenger.”



Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?

His goal: transcend dental medication.



Two hydrogen atoms meet.

One says, “I’ve lost my electron.”

The other says, “Are you sure?” 

The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive.”