Veni, Vidi, Velcro… I Came, I Saw, I Stuck Around.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I hope you stick around too, because it’s another Pun Day.

You know the drill….

Enjoy or endure!

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My little cousin has been diagnosed with an unusual case of OCD

where all he does all day is organize dinner plates by the year they were made,

It’s an extremely rare dish-order

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I’ve written my own book

called 50 Shades of Gravy.

It’s very saucy.

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I’m an easy target for muggers.

Take it from me.

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I knew I had failed my Braille exam at the time.

It just felt wrong.

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“How’s your new stairlift nan?”

“It’s driving me up the wall.”

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Just finished an experiment to find

the best cure for hiccups.

The result was a big surprise.

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I stabbed someone with a blunt pencil today.

It was an act of pointless violence.

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I just took some pills and now my pupils look massive!

I really shouldn’t take hallucinogenic drugs while teaching.

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The wife would like us to feel a gentle and relaxing breeze

all over our bodies when we have sex.

I’m not a fan.

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I thought I’d dug up an unknown

species of dinosaur in my back garden.

Excitedly I phoned the Natural History Museum,

but it turned out to be a fossil arm.

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Do you think eating horse meat

would give you the trots?

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I got my girlfriend the Connery and Dalton

James Bond movies for her birthday,

but she wasn’t happy.

I think she was expecting Moore.

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Hungry astronomers don’t like galaxies,

they prefer something that’s a little meteor.

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I have an Eskimo fetish,

but most people just aren’t that Inuit.

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I’ve booked a table at one of those new

Elvis Presley-themed steakhouses.

They’re for people who love meat tender.

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I Suppose I Should Be Doing These On A Punday Not A Thursday

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I got an email recently from Paul Ryan (well, probably one of his little helpers) inviting me to some kind of election shin-dig they were having. How he got my email address I don’t know because I haven’t signed up for anything even resembling political.

Whoever wins, we get the same people really in charge. There can be no doubt about that after Obama’s four years of “no we can’t” and changing nothing of consequence.

And then there was the debate in Denver. By all accounts a win for Romney and a lackluster performance by Obama. A CBS News poll of “uncommitted voters”, gave Romney 46% as opposed to 22% for Obama (with 32% calling it a tie).

Not that performance in debates count for much in the long run, but this one has made an “unshakable” lead for Obama into a much closer competition – until the next debate anyway – which might turn what has been a relatively dull campaign into something more exciting. Don’t hold your breath, though.

 

Meantime we have much more important things to investigate and to lighten the mood.

Yes, from pundit to punday, another excuse for more bad jokes, using the clever ploy of the pun.

Can you take it?

If you can, then enjoy.

 

 

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

 

 

Is the Local Area Network in Australia – the LAN down under?

 

 

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

 

 

A lot of money is tainted – taint yours and taint mine.

 

 

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

 

 

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

 

 

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

 

 

Are Santa’s helpers subordinate clauses?

 

 

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

 

 

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

 

 

Seven days without a pun makes one weak.

 

 

When the actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

 

 

When a scientist was doing a large experiment with liquid chemicals to try to solve a problem he accidentally fell in and became part of the solution.

 

 

If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, could it spell disaster?

 

 

After they bought a water bed, the couple started to drift apart.

 

 

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

 

 

The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line.

 

 

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

 

 

Rabbits like their beer brewed with a lot of hops.

 

 

Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

 

 

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