Why Do I Like Masochism? Beats Me!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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And for those masochists among you here is another selection of word plays, or puns.

You know what’s coming.

Enjoy or endure!

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As an avid gardener,

I got so excited by summer coming,

I wet my plants.

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The jar I put money into every

time I use profanities

has really helped me cut back.

I swear by it.

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I was just told by someone

to stop being so unsavory.

I thought that’s sweet.

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Apparently it’s really easy to cook Monkfish,

Just stick it on the Friar….

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What do you call a girl

who keeps disappearing?

Heidi.

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I’ve just paid $10 for a 19th century painting

of a cow from the local charity shop.

I think it might be Art Mooveau.

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What do you call

a Muslim doctor?

Amed.

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My dentist has accused me

of non-cooperation during appointments.

I’m keeping my mouth shut.

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Having considered buying a couple of

calves at a livestock auction for $200,

I ended up purchasing two lambs for $100

which were sheep at half the price

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I thought it was weird when my friend

told me he’d fallen in love with a puppet.

Now he’s planning on marionette.

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I only enjoy carbonated drinks..

Soda speak.

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My wife said if I took one more

picture of her she’d leave me.

That’s when I snapped.

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What’s better than

a cake on the table?

A tart on the floor.

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Our identical twins are impossible to tell apart.

They even wear the same aftershave.

Well, it’s not so much aftershave,

it’s more like Eau de Clone.

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My friend got me a poster of my

favourite 70’s Glam Rock band.

Sweet!

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It’s Another Word Play Day, So Time For Some More Puns

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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A few more bad jokes wrapped up as puns. I am slightly amazed, but also pleased, that the puns have been received so well by most readers. So it wasn’t only me!  

Enjoy.

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Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn’t know how to conduct itself.

 

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When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder.      

 

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The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.

 

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The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.       

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Greengrocers earn a meager celery, come home beet and just want to read the pepper, take a leek, turnip the covers endive into bed.

 

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A noun and a verb were dating but they broke up because the noun was too possessive.

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I didn’t want to buy leather shoes, but eventually I was suede.

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For plumbers, a flush beats a full house.           

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A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. 

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I just got my permit to harvest shrimp in the Antarctic. Now I have a licence to Krill.

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I don’t think I need a spine. It’s holding me back.           

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What did the triangle say to the circle? You’re so pointless.

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Old colanders never die, they just can’t take the strain anymore.

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I probably have blind spots, but I don’t see them.

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After winter, the trees are relieved.

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Calves take well to bottle feeding because one nipple is as good as an udder.

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The shareholders of a compass manufacturer were concerned that the company wasn’t heading in the right direction.

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I’m bad at math, so the equation 2n+2n is 4n to me.

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The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.

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The proctologist reassured the patient that his condition could be rectified.

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CLASSIFIED: For Your Eyes Only, Part Three!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Today we have a third installment of those classified ads we all love to read. As usual, pick your favorite or just enjoy them all.

It’s great when people think they said what they meant to say but actually said something completely different.

Enjoy!

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