I See Boomerangs Are Making A Comeback.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It’s not only boomerangs that are making a comeback  –  so are puns!

And I continue to do my little bit here on the fasab blog to help them.

So read on and enjoy!

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Any time I get something stuck in my throat,

I just dislodge it by drinking a pint of lager.

It’s called the Heineken Maneuver.

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I saw a sign on the road while driving today that said,

Survey crew ahead.

I did. They looked okay.

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Me and my friends played a football match against a load of Marines yesterday.

At half time they brought on a Chinese bloke.

I thought to myself, he’s a yellow sub marine.

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Ever since I filled up my Zippo

I haven’t been able to lift it out of my pocket.

I think I need some lighter fluid.

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A girl winked at me across the room in Maths class today;

I think it was a sine…

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I’m the kinda guy who,

when asked to spell something over the phone,

says ‘G….for gnome’ just to throw them.

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My friend once decided to stick an arrow in the ground.

I couldn’t see the point.

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Whenever I write a letter to someone,

I add a footnote briefly explaining Ohm’s law.

It’s my P.S. de resistance.

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I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.

She’s an animal in bed.

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I’m just a farmer’s laborer,

but when girls ask what I do,

I find ‘Farm assist’ sounds better.

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I told a girl she drew her eyebrows on too high.

She looked pretty surprised.

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I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other,

or is that just bollocks?

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I was arguing with my girlfriend in Pizza Hut the other day

when my best friend came over, grabbed the garlic bread

and coleslaw from our table and ran off.

I wish he would stop taking sides.

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I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake-up call.

Next morning, she rang and said,

“what are you doing with your life?”

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I used to be really good at reading braille.

But I lost my touch.

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Just got myself a new Czech girlfriend,

but it’s taken her 5 days to hoover the house.

Turns out she’s a Slovak.

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My local gas station had a letter stolen from its sign last night.

Not to worry though, the company’s sending out an Esso S.

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The day that Microsoft creates a product that doesn’t suck

is the day that they venture into the vacuum cleaner industry.

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When a bomb passes its sell by date, does it go off?

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If Russia invaded Turkey from the rear,

would Greece help?

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Did They Really Mean To Say That? – Newspapers Headlines Nightmares, Part Nine!!!!!!!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Welcome to the fasab blog.

It’s newspaper headline nightmares day. Day nine of this series to be exact.

And they don’t get any better – thank goodness.

Hope you enjoy this latest batch.

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It’s D-Day! – De Day For Puns Dat Is!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, the day you all look forward to, pun day!

First, since it is June 6^th I’ll take the opportunity to recommend one of the best WWII movies ever made. Called “The Longest Day” it is a dramatic account of the Normandy Landings that took place on this day in 1944.

But back to today and those puns.

Enjoy!

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Do you think that people who don’t want to be counted

have taken leave of their census?

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Those who hate classical music have my symphony.

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To qualify as an electrician these days

you have to pass a battery of tests.

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Do people who steal trains have a loco-motive?

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Do banks with competing loan rates

have a conflict of interest?

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When they build a new hive

do bees have a house swarming party?

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Is it just me……

or does anybody else find pressing F5 refreshing?

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You won’t like me when I’m angry.

Because I always back up my rage with facts and documented sources.

The Credible Hulk.

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I was in an English exam and they asked

“Write the past tense of ‘Think'”

I thought and thought about this for ages.

Eventually, I went for ‘Thunk’

I bought a carpet off this girl I’ve been dating.

We broke up, but at least I got a good shag.

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Some yob attacked me down the local park tonight with a bat.

It was scary, but I was really impressed at how well he’d trained it.

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We just started a new band this week.

We called it “999 Megabytes”.

Coz we haven’t done a gig yet.

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I’ve just found that my Wii remote doesn’t work

if you take it out of the sync region.

Much like my wife.

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The most common surname In China is Chang,

correct me if you think that’s Wong.

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I asked my grandmother for “something Cuban” for my birthday,

and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar.

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My dad never loved me as a child.

I can’t blame him really.

I wasn’t born until he was an adult.

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I saw a slide with an 85 degree incline for sale the other day for $1000.

I thought that’s a bit steep.

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My best friend is called Tiba.

Sometimes, I think he’s a bit backwards.

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The wife is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes.

I asked her, “What can I do to stop my addiction?”

She said, “Whatever means necessary.”

“No it doesn’t,” I said.

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Another Bunch Of Interesting Things You Probably Never Thought About – Until Now!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”.

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As the title says, another  list of interesting bits and pieces that you may not have though about until now.

Feel free to whip them out and impress people if and when the occasion arises.

Enjoy.

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The tip of a bullwhip moves so fast that the sound it makes is actually a tiny sonic boom.

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Only 1 in 2,000,000,000 people will live to be 116 or old.

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Dogs and humans are the only species that have prostates.

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The zebra is basically a light-colored animal with black stripes.

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Natural pearls melt in Vinegar.

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The greatest weight lifted with a human tongue is 12.5 kg (27 lb 8.96 oz)

by Thomas Blackthorne (UK)

who lifted the weight hooked through his tongue

on the set of El Show Olímpico, in Mexico City, Mexico, on 1 August 2008.

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Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

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Americans are responsible for about 1/5 of the world’s garbage annually

(and 2/3 of it is from Washington).

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The dot over the letter “i” is called a tittle.

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There are 318,979,564,000 possible combinations of the first four moves in Chess.

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The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the USA”.

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IBM’s motto is “Think”.

Apple later made their motto “Think different”.

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The Michelin man is known as Mr. Bib.

His name was Bibendum in the company’s first ads in 1896.

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There are more types of insects in one tropical rain forest tree

than there are in the entire state of Vermont.

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An ostrich’s eye might not be bigger than its belly,

but it is bigger than its brain.

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Earth is the only planet in our solar system not named after a god;

it was named by God.

Genesis 1 King James Version (KJV)

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.

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Then There Was The Dyslexic Man Who Walked Into A Bra….

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Another short selection of punny jokes today.

Strong language warning on one of them for those likely to be offended by such things.

Enjoy! 

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What banned weapon can you use to kill slugs?

A salt rifle.

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If you owned a secret, underground fajita shop, would you keep it under wraps?

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I dated a girl from the Phillippines, she was a contortionist.

I called her my ‘Manila folder’

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I couldn’t understand why my mobile’s battery always seems to be flat.

Then I realized had it been any other shape, it wouldn’t fit in my phone.

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I knew a man who killed himself with a cyanide capsule.

That was a bitter pill to swallow.

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Some people think animal puns are not funny in any neigh, sheep or farm.

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I hate puns about perforated things – they’re tearable.

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You would think that these herbs & spices puns would have died out by now.

But no, they just keep on Cumin.

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Paddy goes into a hardware store & asks to buy a sink.

“Would you like one with a plug?” says the assistant.

Paddy replies, “Don’t tell me they’ve gone electric!”

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Woman goes into a butcher’s…

“I’d like an oxtail please”.

“Certainly”, replies the butcher,

“Once upon a time there was an ox…”

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One day I phoned with the spiritual leader of Tibet.

He sent me a large goat with a long neck.

Turns out I phoned Dial- a- llama.

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Coffee isn’t my cup of tea.

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I took my wife to the doctor yesterday, he examined her and said, “I’ll be perfectly honest… I don’t like the look of her.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean,” I said, “but she’s a good cook and the kids think the world of her!”

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I bought a Valentine’s Day card for everyone at our local Tourette’s Society.

It’s the thought that cunts.

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“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’’

“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”

“Is it common?”

“Well, it’s not unusual.”

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It’s Another Word Play Day, So Time For Some More Puns

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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A few more bad jokes wrapped up as puns. I am slightly amazed, but also pleased, that the puns have been received so well by most readers. So it wasn’t only me!  

Enjoy.

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Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn’t know how to conduct itself.

 

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When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder.      

 

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The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.

 

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The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.       

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Greengrocers earn a meager celery, come home beet and just want to read the pepper, take a leek, turnip the covers endive into bed.

 

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A noun and a verb were dating but they broke up because the noun was too possessive.

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I didn’t want to buy leather shoes, but eventually I was suede.

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For plumbers, a flush beats a full house.           

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A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. 

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I just got my permit to harvest shrimp in the Antarctic. Now I have a licence to Krill.

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I don’t think I need a spine. It’s holding me back.           

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What did the triangle say to the circle? You’re so pointless.

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Old colanders never die, they just can’t take the strain anymore.

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I probably have blind spots, but I don’t see them.

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After winter, the trees are relieved.

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Calves take well to bottle feeding because one nipple is as good as an udder.

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The shareholders of a compass manufacturer were concerned that the company wasn’t heading in the right direction.

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I’m bad at math, so the equation 2n+2n is 4n to me.

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The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.

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The proctologist reassured the patient that his condition could be rectified.

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Dating In The Early 1960s

”Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It’s not absolutely necessary, but readers who can remember this era may enjoy this the most…

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.

He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

“Oh, come on in!” Peggy Sue’s mother said as she welcomed Fred in. “Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?”

“I’ll have an Iced tea, please,” Fred said.

Mom brought the iced tea.

“So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?” she asked.

“Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach…”

“Peggy likes to screw, you know,” Mom informed him.

“What???” Fred spluttered, his mouthful of iced tea almost launching itself across the room.

“Uh…really?” he continued, eyebrows raised, as he tried to gather his wits about him. He wasn’t at all used to this type of liberal parenting, which was very progressive for the early 1960s.

“Oh, yes!” the mother continued very matter-of-factly. “When she goes out with her friends, that’s all they do!”

“Is that so?” asked Fred, incredulous.

“Yes,” the mother continued. “As a matter of fact, she’d screw all night if we let her, but of course we don’t!”

“Er no, I suppose not,” Fred answered, still surprised that Peggy Sue’s parents would countenance such a thing at all.

“Well, thanks for the tip,” he continued as he quickly began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A wicked smile began to play on his lips.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture. She was wearing a pink blouse and full circle skirt, and had her long hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

“Have fun, kids,” the mother said as they left.

Fred was sure that they would.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

“Whatever is wrong, darling?” her puzzled mother inquired.

“The Twist, Mom! It’s the twist!!” Peggy Sue angrily yelled at her mother.

“The damned dance is called the TWIST! “

 

😉